asparagus

I'm a 33 woman suffering crippling anxiety and depression and the only time I feel 'myself' is when I'm drunk. I started drinking heavily when I was 13 and have drunk heavily on and off since. Somehow, drunk me feels more 'authentic'.

The hangovers, the bruises, the vomit on the kitchen floor, I feel like this is who I really am. I have no real 'life'. I don't work, I'm trapped in a marriage, I'm suicidal.

I don't know how to give up alcohol when it feels like my only friend? I can't imagine ever having a 'normal' life.

Dee74

hi asparagus

I felt that drinking me was the preferred me too - and like you, and I suspect many others, I remembered starting drinking to escape who I was.

A funny thing happened when I quit tho. I re-discovered a me I'd actually completely forgotten about, and I found I quite liked that person now with the benefit of a few years hindsight.

I had my problems sure but things like anxiety and depression can be dealt with in far more effective, and more positive and healthy ways than drinking.

I've never regretted becoming sober and I love the life I've built.

I know it's a leap of faith to stand there and contemplate the leap, but it really does work out.

I hope you'll join us

D

entropy1964

If you are suicidal I suggest getting help. Can you call a family member or a suicide hotline?

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR asparagus. Many of us have felt that way about alcohol before, it's a very tough place to be. If you are truly feeling suicidal please call for help, 911 is even a very valid option in that circumstance.

JeffreyAK

Have you made a serious attempt to quit and stay quit for, say, even a month? I only felt normal when I was drunk, too, but it took quitting and some sober time to understand that that "normal" was just drunk, and I felt awful and depressed and anxious when I wasn't drunk simply because I was an addict.

asparagus

I have gone long periods without in the past. The last few years, the longest I've gone without might be 2 weeks?

The problem is I never feel normal. Drinking just tricks my braining into not giving a damn that I'm abnormal. I feel on top of the world drunk, no shame or fear.

BrendaChenowyth

Please don't wait any longer to get help. I mean literally right now get up and find a meeting and go and tell them what you're telling us.

Churches are also a good place to find some support. It doesn't matter if you believe what they believe, they will do what they can to help you regardless.

SoberCAH

I felt, day in, day out, like you described, and alcohol, in spite of all of its negative consequences, seemed like the only thing that could give me peace of mind.

The problem was, though, that I was a very sick young man.

I thought that alcohol was the solution and not something which brought my mental health circumstances to an entirely new level of insanity.

I finally sought help and haven't had a drink since, and it's been a while.

It's also been a wonderful life.

Please seek professional help for your problems and live the life you were meant to enjoy.

And stick around here and let us know how you are doing.

Your words resonated deeply with me, and I suspect that I'm not the only person on this thread who shared that connection.

asparagus

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I do need help, I know.

Having an absolutely terrible night, 6am with no sleep. You'll be glad to know, thanks to strict Australian licensing laws, I couldn't go buy alcohol even if I wanted to (not for a few more hours).

asparagus

I'll add, staying up all night isn't atypical. I'm an insomniac, I stay up all night often, that's not why it's a terrible night.

It's more that I am trying to separate from my husband, we were supposed to be sleeping in separate rooms during the transitional period, until I get 'on my feet' (as if that's possible).

Right now he's in my bed snoring while I'm on the couch seething. I've been trying to do this (separate) for 10 years of over 12 years of marriage, I thought I finally conveyed how much I want this and he agreed to be supportive but... ugh, I feel like I have to run away, I have nowhere to go. My three options seem: hobo, mental asylum or suicide. I have no strength for this.

/end rant

FarToGo

Welcome asparagus, I too can relate to lots of what you're saying, including the relationship stuff. Irony is, being drunk stops you from taking positive action in the rest of your life. The solution has to start with giving sober all you've got. I hope you stay with SR and use this place for some support. It works so well for so many of us.
Good luck.
xx

waynetheking

Asparagus if you quit drinking you're whole attitude on life will change. For the better. I GUARANTEE it.

Forward12

Welcome to the site. I also fight with horrible depression and anxiety and also for many, many years used alcohol as it seemed to be the only thing that also made me feel "normal". Thought this perceived friend turns into your worst enemy which I think you are now realizing.
It takes some groundwork, but look into seeing a therapist, and getting on proper medication if needed to address your issues, instead of just throwing a blanket over it with the alcohol.