Spain sounds so nice, Susie - proud of you for doing something for yourself.
I used to worry about "gaining an understanding" or "forgiveness", but what it got me was a barrage of blame, and excuses for unexeptable behaviour. I will never understand as to why XAH chose alcohol, drugs, and endangering his own and my health due a meaningless fling with addicted unemployed person.
He had a son, wife, house, nice car. Now he is a 50 years old broke recovering alchy who lives with his brother (next to his mom), sees son briefly twice a month, still as miserable, stressed out and fearful about the future as ever, even without me and son serving as "impediment to life he wanted to have". Go figure.
I hope he gets better. He put me and DS through a lot of pain, but I wish him well in his recovery. I gave up hope for true "I am sorry" that is not coupled with "you contributed to this blah blah".