Originally Posted by
Aellyce 
Another thought I had, actually also before reading your many earlier posts but now much more vividly is related to your place of residence. Maybe I get it wrong but many elements of your posts strike me like you are not exactly super happy where you live in Italy... Have you perhaps considered a move somewhere else, maybe also with easier access to treatments for your recovery? An English speaking country perhaps if the language causes you stress and limitations (I had a few years living in a country where I was new to its language in the past during my grad school so I have an idea how isolating it can be). Or are you bound to where you live by practicalities or family?
The prospect of facing surgery, and your fears around anesthesia are understandable. I think you may be learning that handling the inevitable stressors in life is much more difficult without a reliable support system. I don't know if you have such a thing in your AA meeting, or whether or not it's even available, but I never could have gotten sober without one.
Aellyce raises an interesting point that I didn't think about in the way she describes it. There are plenty of reasons why people move to a whole different country, but the reason or reasons why they move can become less compelling over time, and then may not be enough of a motivation to do whatever is necessary to continue building a new life.
We know that your children's father lives there, and I'm assuming their spending time together is important for all concerned parties. Other than that, I agree with Aellyce that there doesn't seem like there's a whole lot in it for you to live there. You've described your closest friend, the woman that you (used to?) meet at the bar, as a heavy drinker. Although he appears to have changed somewhat in the past few weeks, you've described your boyfriend as having been more or less consistently unsupportive, and sometimes antagonistic, around your recovery.
And now the work you do is problematic and carries with it a whole new set of challenges to work through, including whether or not you can support yourself by doing something that, as an occupation, seems largely unfulfilling and rife with conflict.
However you slice it, it seems to me that reliable support is missing.