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There is always an excuse

Old 10-07-2016, 01:53 AM
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There is always an excuse

Wow. Where do I start? How can I even write this out? I'm humiliated and feel like the worst person on earth.
I've gotten myself overwhelmed again. I've taken on more than I can handle right now. Yes, I'm drinking, I'll get to that.
I came back from rehab fully ready to go with sobriety.
Then, nearing 5 months sober I had one sip of wine. One sip. And there is started. As it always does. It starts with that first sip. But I didn't go right back at it. I waited some time and then had that one glass that i posted about here. Just one glass. No harm, right? Hm. Not really. One sip led to one glass and one glass led to an open door where I could drink whenever and whatever.
I am currently on the waiting list for a surgery I must have. I have had an ongoing medical problem since June and it must be resolved surgically. I am stressed and worried about that. I have a phobia of anaesthesia. Great excuse to drink, right? In the meantime, despite losing incredible amounts of blood and being very weak and unstable I have taken on a new work at a language centre. I didn't want to do it but I simply cannot say no. Something I need to work on. So I said yes, I do need the money after all, and it has snowballed into more than I can mentally handle. I am the only mother-tongue English speaker and am now being pounded with requests for lessons at every hour of the day. In addition there are hours worth of work with young children, which I hate. I am sorry to say it, I know it makes me sound like a bad person, but I simply hate working with kids. I have little to no patience, I am a strict mother and cannot stand when these kids act like brats but I cannot do anything about it. I just hate working with kids and it stresses me to no end. No amount of money makes it worth it to me.
This work also interferes with my time with my kids, which is already limited because I split time with their father.
one of the things I was so proud of when I left rehab was how much my relationship with my kids improved. Now being away from them I feel anxious and stressed. But this is irrational, there are millions of working moms out there. I don't know why I can't just get a grip.
So yesterday I drank. I had an entire bottle of wine. I was ok, not sloppy, but I know I wasn't the parent I would be if I were sober. I made pasta for dinner, and only pasta. My kids are used to the typical Italian style of first course of pasta then second course of fish or meat or cheese and some vegetables, then fruit. I only made pasta.
This morning both of my boys were whiny and crying about going to school. They were not in good moods. I am CERTAIN this is due to my drinking yesterday. I know that even if I am not outright drunk they can sense something. My older son is very protective of me. I am sure the reason he didn't want to go to school is because he wanted to stay home and be with me. Even at only 8 years old he feels he has to take care of me.
When I dropped my kids off at school my younger son wanted me to walk him in, as he always does, and I did. He is often teary eyed as this is his first year of school. But this morning seeing his tears I thought in my head "of course it is ok to drink, this is a reason"
I feel so guilty and gross. On Tuesday at the AA meeting I spoke of my upcoming surgery and said I wasn't drinking (at the time I wasn't) and people were very congratulatory saying "we alcoholics always find a reason to drink, good for you for not using this as an excuse" and here I am, just days later, using it as an excuse.

Here I am going to start to ramble...
I am bored to death of English lessons. There are a few students that give me great pleasure- ones I have worked with and seen progress, who do the homework I assign to them and really try. There are others who just want to come and do conversation for an hour, who refuse my suggestion that we do at least half the lesson working on grammar. So I have to ache my way through an hour of boring as **** conversation on nothing. I do my best, I don't take anyone's money without actually trying but seriously, you cannot do conversation until you have a basic grasp of the grammar. So there is only so much we can talk about using the present tense or limited vocabulary. I am just over it. I am broke as a joke, I have to do this to earn money but I don't feel a passion for it. I can't find any other work here in Italy. I don't even know what my passion is. That's not true, my passion is music, but I satisfy that by reading books about music and listening and studying music when I have free time. But for work, what can I do?
Everyone here USES me for my English. USES me. People pass on my phone number without permission, people call wanting me to translate stuff, to do lessons, to help with this and that and babysit in English..... And then no one wants to pay me what it is worth. It is my own fault. I don't stand up for myself and insist to be paid the going rate for these services.
Yesterday I got back some blood work results I need for the upcoming surgery. It showed I was pre-menopausal. I am only 37 but I thought to myself "yes, finally, I am nearing the end" I just want to get on with this life. Not to die really, just to get on with it already.
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Old 10-07-2016, 02:06 AM
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Your story's pretty common Mera - it starts with one sip, and nothing much happens, then another drink down the road a little...and another and soon the whole maelstrom is back.

I'm sorry for everything else you have going on and I'm not wanting to appear cold but in a very real sense right now it's all second division stuff.

It's all wheel stuff - when the real problem is you have a broken axle.

Everything else needs to take a back seat to you getting back on track recoverywise.

Anything you put ahead of your recovery now you're at risk of losing.

Do something to save yourself...please.

D
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Old 10-07-2016, 02:12 AM
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Thanks Dee for responding. I am really lonely right now and any human connection helps, even over the internet. You are right and I KNOW this. I know that I should put everything on the back burner until I am solidly sober. I need to quit with this language school. I keep saying to myself "you need the money" But I took time off work to go to rehab. I need to think of it like that. I either go back to rehab (thus quitting my work) or I stay home and get my sh*t together. But either way, recovery has to be #1. Not work, not money, nothing.
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Old 10-07-2016, 02:13 AM
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I think so. You can always rebuild things after you get back on solid ground

D
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Old 10-07-2016, 02:26 AM
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Yes, you are right. Why do we get like this? I am alive only for my children. If I didn't feel the wonderful love I have for them I'd just want to be done with all of this like. It is so empty and sad.
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Old 10-07-2016, 02:31 AM
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I think that's a starting point for many of us too. I spent decades not really invested in whether I lived or died.

The addiction/Our addicted Self really pushes that - it makes it easier for us to make quite illogical insane self destructive decisions over and over again..

You have many many reasons to live and the chance to do great things with your life. We all do...

but you need to stop poisoning your body and your mind first.

D
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Old 10-07-2016, 02:56 AM
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Looks like it comes down to two choices: learn to cope with the life you lead, or change it. Well, three choices. You can drink.

Please take the last choice off the table.
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Old 10-07-2016, 03:07 AM
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Hi Mera,

I am so sorry to hear things are hard again and that you are back to drinking.
I had an ugly relapse early this year that lasted for a couple months, then went to rehab and was feeling pretty good. However, I did drink once after rehab (I wrote about all that here on SR). That scared me ***less and made me vividly realize that I needed much more serious action and longer term treatment, plus probably a few lifestyle and attitude tweaks again. I will tell you a bit about what I decided to do. I have ended up getting into lots of direct, specific, real life support. I use three self-help recovery meetings and a mix of their programs: SMART, Refuge Recovery, and AA. I don't care what anyone says, I use them and juggle their programs in ways that I feel is most compatible with me and most helpful. I realize that you may not have easy access to all these where you live, but a lot of the information and their programs can be accessed online and in books, also online meetings. What I have found is that I had to introduce new methods after my relapse and even limit some of the old ones as some have become counterproductive. If I were you, I would not just repeat the same things again.

As for professional treatment, I have been in therapy pretty much without a break for a long time (>2.5 years) but I got a new therapist coming out of rehab and went to him with a primary goal to work on my addiction issues/recovery and whatever is related to it. Not letting him steer the treatment in all sorts of direction but keeping the main track strictly. I also very consciously and seriously limit my engagement in other people's dramas. I try to compartmentalize my life such that I don't get too overwhelmed too long. Also exploring some new work opportunities that I have wanted for a long time because I have a tendency to get bored and start to entertain thoughts of doing crazy things when things roll on too much routine for me. I think it might be a good time for you to look into some more serious involvement in your recovery again? Especially considering your upcoming surgery... I am sure you know that getting into it drinking is really not a great idea.

Another thought I had, actually also before reading your many earlier posts but now much more vividly is related to your place of residence. Maybe I get it wrong but many elements of your posts strike me like you are not exactly super happy where you live in Italy... Have you perhaps considered a move somewhere else, maybe also with easier access to treatments for your recovery? An English speaking country perhaps if the language causes you stress and limitations (I had a few years living in a country where I was new to its language in the past during my grad school so I have an idea how isolating it can be). Or are you bound to where you live by practicalities or family?

In any case, I can tell you that I am not happy that I relapsed earlier this year but very happy that I did not let it progress far... From all I have heard and seen, it is much easier to stop this earlier rather than later. But it may take more effort, more different tools and more persistence to make it happen in a solid way. Please do something about it, now
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Old 10-07-2016, 03:22 AM
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Mera,

Thanks for the post.

I remind myself every day, every crave, that I am a drug addict.

I am a normal looking person, but my issue is....I am addicted to alcohol for ever.

There is no sip of beer, glass of wine, or shot of wisky for me anymore.

Those days are over. It is a new world for me. A proudly sober world.

I have sober role models. They don't drink at all.

They are not in AA, so there is no...work the steps...gratitude etc...to make me feel like I am not doing something right.

I don't eat sardines, I don't sky dive, I don't ride skate boards, and I don't drink.

Hope this helps.
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Old 10-07-2016, 03:30 AM
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Hi Mera,

Great suggestions given by all of the posters here already but I just wanted to mention aomthing that sort of jumped out to me when you were speaking about people calling you all hours, wanting ( needing) your help with the language barriers or giving out your number, not paying for your assistance and etc.

I could relate to this as well because I sort of positioned myself as the 'go to' person in my community for people needing ' help' with certain problems and etc. I was seen as the local 'expert' on certain topics and so like you, would be inundated with calls or people approaching me even in the grocery store, text messages, facebook chat messages coming in day and night. I always told myself and even took pride that I was helping out of the goodness of my heart, doing service and it may have started that way but in actuality it had to do with how this ' need' from others fed my ego. My need to be needed made me feel useful and I prided ( key word PRIDE) myself on that. With no firm boundaries in place, it drained me and the demands on my time just became completely overwhelming. Im not saying these are your motives, I just know I had to honestly look at and question, What am I getting out of this???

Anyway, I have completely pulled out of that role. I HAD to otherwise I could not get sober. I was completely bankrupt and realized I just had no more to give. Im not sure if any of what Im sharing is going to resonate with you but if so I urge you to set some boundaries. We cant allow people to take and take and take, with no deposits being made especially in early recovery.

I know its kind of hard nosed but right now you need to think about whats best for you, your recovery and your family. If the activity isnt benefiting one of those areas, then you need to step back from that, at least for the time being.
We have enough on our plate already, then to have what little energy we do have sucked out of us.

My best to you. Be blessed friend.
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Old 10-07-2016, 03:42 AM
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I know that feeling (ha) that we are "nearing the end" with perimenopause/menopause, and I also have regular thoughts that Im doing this whole life thing wrong and will be relieved when the whole **** show is over. Ha.

It is just a feeling, though, and it passes.

When I was drinking, that type of thinking was predominant in my head. Now I just hold on to the thought of "today, no matter what happens, I will not drink." It is a simple thought but oddly reassuring in a world full of challenge and hurt.

Drinking screws up the lens we use to view the world. The more you drink, the darker everything will seem. I know you know this intellectually -
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Old 10-07-2016, 05:22 AM
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Mera and OOna, this is EXACTLY the way I was. Go, go, go. Never say no. I worked all of the time. Single mom of 2 kids. I was the go to person in the industry that I was in. Slowly more responsibility creeped onto my plate because I didn't say no. I was "important" and "needed" in my workplace. I felt a superiority in a sense. Although I could have operated on a 9-5 mentality, because of my industry and my "importance" I did not. I would get calls, texts, emails at all hours of the day. I opted out of a company phone and just had my personal phone which meant I was reachable almost any time. There were times that I met self imposed deadlines by staying up until 1-2 am. Sometimes running on fumes by working throughout the night for 24 hours straight. On top of this, I was running around 2 VERY active teenagers 7 days a week. There were days when I ran to the school (20 miles away) 4-5 times a day.

Drinking became worse towards the end of that career. It was the only thing that slowed my mind, calmed my nerves. It was the only "fun" or me time that I had. I have learned that I need to BALANCE my work, personal and most importantly time with my kids. When it was all said and done, it was myself and my kids that suffered because I could/did not manage my hours in the day effectively. THAT was my biggest trigger.

You've done such a great job in sobriety. It is so easy to fall back into the rat race. Once I came back after some sobriety under my belt, I found that it was very easy to start going under water again and I need to be very conscious of that.
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Old 10-07-2016, 05:23 AM
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Mera, I send well wishes your way. Yes, recovery has to supersede everything else. You deserve a good life as much as anyone.

No more drinking, dear lady. No more.
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Old 10-07-2016, 05:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post

Your story's pretty common Mera - it starts with one sip, and nothing much happens, then another drink down the road a little...and another and soon the whole maelstrom is back.
Yes, my self deception creeped in slowly at times.
Started back up with a simple little drink.
Not knowing when, once more the drunks life was out of control.
Asking of himself, how did this happen.
Knowing deep inside that once again he had planted the unwanted seed.
M-Bob
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Old 10-07-2016, 05:40 AM
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Hey Mera

I'm sorry you drank. Its not the end of the world however. I know I can slip into 'catastrophic' thinking...the world is going to end. That is my addiction. It likes when I do this because it has the upper hand. One day at a time, one issue at a time, do the next right thing.

I believe your surgery is 'female' in nature. Try not to be too worried. I had a similar situation and all is well. It also threw me into early menopause which was tough at first. After the surgery I was really up and down for about 6 months. But then it evened out. And now I'm really happy about that early transition. I don't have to fuss with all that female stuff anymore

Put up those boundaries. Don't allow people to treat you in ways that violate those boundaries. Take care of you and your kids.

You can do this!
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Old 10-07-2016, 06:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Aellyce View Post
Another thought I had, actually also before reading your many earlier posts but now much more vividly is related to your place of residence. Maybe I get it wrong but many elements of your posts strike me like you are not exactly super happy where you live in Italy... Have you perhaps considered a move somewhere else, maybe also with easier access to treatments for your recovery? An English speaking country perhaps if the language causes you stress and limitations (I had a few years living in a country where I was new to its language in the past during my grad school so I have an idea how isolating it can be). Or are you bound to where you live by practicalities or family?
The prospect of facing surgery, and your fears around anesthesia are understandable. I think you may be learning that handling the inevitable stressors in life is much more difficult without a reliable support system. I don't know if you have such a thing in your AA meeting, or whether or not it's even available, but I never could have gotten sober without one.

Aellyce raises an interesting point that I didn't think about in the way she describes it. There are plenty of reasons why people move to a whole different country, but the reason or reasons why they move can become less compelling over time, and then may not be enough of a motivation to do whatever is necessary to continue building a new life.

We know that your children's father lives there, and I'm assuming their spending time together is important for all concerned parties. Other than that, I agree with Aellyce that there doesn't seem like there's a whole lot in it for you to live there. You've described your closest friend, the woman that you (used to?) meet at the bar, as a heavy drinker. Although he appears to have changed somewhat in the past few weeks, you've described your boyfriend as having been more or less consistently unsupportive, and sometimes antagonistic, around your recovery.

And now the work you do is problematic and carries with it a whole new set of challenges to work through, including whether or not you can support yourself by doing something that, as an occupation, seems largely unfulfilling and rife with conflict.

However you slice it, it seems to me that reliable support is missing.
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Old 10-07-2016, 06:12 AM
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Mera, you had 5 months and that cannot be taken away from you.
You showed yourself you can do it and you are one here who has shown ME that it can be done. And I thank you for that. Thank you for sharing!

I hope you can take good care today - forgive yourself, pick up the ball and move on - Love you.

Sending you hugs and strength.
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Old 10-07-2016, 06:18 AM
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glad ya made it back!
ya know, them steps of AA will help ya learn why you cant say no, why you allow yourself to be used, and why youre afraid of anesthesia.
and prolly give ya a great solution,too.
prolly be wise to get yer arse to a meeting,eh? maybe call your sponsor,too?

.A. Thought for the Day

Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?

Meditation for the Day

I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it, God cannot give me His power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.
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Old 10-07-2016, 06:19 AM
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Aellyce & EndGame, you are both on the mark. In fact, just today as I was wasting away in my bed I thought to myself "what am I doing here?" I came here and initially lived something out of a fairytale. Now, I am just sinking into the ground. There is nothing for me here. I don't see my heavy drinking friend anymore. She has now upped her gambling and I don't do that so I don't hang around in the slot machine room with her. My boyfriend is trying his hardest and is really being great but he can't be everything to me. I have my work, but it is all from home so I rarely interact with other people. I do have English lessons that force me to be with others but it is nothing I feel passionate about. I could go on and on but I am just whining here. The truth is I don't like it here. But would I like it anywhere?
My children's father would fight me to the teeth should I bring up moving back to the US. I have to do something here to make my life better. It does come in spurts. I have my moments of joy. But for the most part I am miserable.
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Old 10-07-2016, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
glad ya made it back!
ya know, them steps of AA will help ya learn why you cant say no, why you allow yourself to be used, and why youre afraid of anesthesia.
and prolly give ya a great solution,too.
prolly be wise to get yer arse to a meeting,eh? maybe call your sponsor,too?
I'll get to the next meeting, on Tuesday. My sponsor- the woman who agreed, is mostly busy and unavailable. I asked her to be my sponsor to which she enthusiastically agreed, then asked her what to do and she replied (via message) "just don't drink" Other than that that is the only contact I have had with her.
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