Hi Mera,
I am so sorry to hear things are hard again and that you are back to drinking.
I had an ugly relapse early this year that lasted for a couple months, then went to rehab and was feeling pretty good. However, I did drink once after rehab (I wrote about all that here on SR). That scared me ***less and made me vividly realize that I needed much more serious action and longer term treatment, plus probably a few lifestyle and attitude tweaks again. I will tell you a bit about what I decided to do. I have ended up getting into lots of direct, specific, real life support. I use three self-help recovery meetings and a mix of their programs: SMART, Refuge Recovery, and AA. I don't care what anyone says, I use them and juggle their programs in ways that I feel is most compatible with me and most helpful. I realize that you may not have easy access to all these where you live, but a lot of the information and their programs can be accessed online and in books, also online meetings. What I have found is that I had to introduce new methods after my relapse and even limit some of the old ones as some have become counterproductive. If I were you, I would not just repeat the same things again.
As for professional treatment, I have been in therapy pretty much without a break for a long time (>2.5 years) but I got a new therapist coming out of rehab and went to him with a primary goal to work on my addiction issues/recovery and whatever is related to it. Not letting him steer the treatment in all sorts of direction but keeping the main track strictly. I also very consciously and seriously limit my engagement in other people's dramas. I try to compartmentalize my life such that I don't get too overwhelmed too long. Also exploring some new work opportunities that I have wanted for a long time because I have a tendency to get bored and start to entertain thoughts of doing crazy things when things roll on too much routine for me. I think it might be a good time for you to look into some more serious involvement in your recovery again? Especially considering your upcoming surgery... I am sure you know that getting into it drinking is really not a great idea.
Another thought I had, actually also before reading your many earlier posts but now much more vividly is related to your place of residence. Maybe I get it wrong but many elements of your posts strike me like you are not exactly super happy where you live in Italy... Have you perhaps considered a move somewhere else, maybe also with easier access to treatments for your recovery? An English speaking country perhaps if the language causes you stress and limitations (I had a few years living in a country where I was new to its language in the past during my grad school so I have an idea how isolating it can be). Or are you bound to where you live by practicalities or family?
In any case, I can tell you that I am not happy that I relapsed earlier this year but very happy that I did not let it progress far... From all I have heard and seen, it is much easier to stop this earlier rather than later. But it may take more effort, more different tools and more persistence to make it happen in a solid way. Please do something about it, now
