Meraviglioso

Wow. Where do I start? How can I even write this out? I'm humiliated and feel like the worst person on earth.
I've gotten myself overwhelmed again. I've taken on more than I can handle right now. Yes, I'm drinking, I'll get to that.
I came back from rehab fully ready to go with sobriety.
Then, nearing 5 months sober I had one sip of wine. One sip. And there is started. As it always does. It starts with that first sip. But I didn't go right back at it. I waited some time and then had that one glass that i posted about here. Just one glass. No harm, right? Hm. Not really. One sip led to one glass and one glass led to an open door where I could drink whenever and whatever.
I am currently on the waiting list for a surgery I must have. I have had an ongoing medical problem since June and it must be resolved surgically. I am stressed and worried about that. I have a phobia of anaesthesia. Great excuse to drink, right? In the meantime, despite losing incredible amounts of blood and being very weak and unstable I have taken on a new work at a language centre. I didn't want to do it but I simply cannot say no. Something I need to work on. So I said yes, I do need the money after all, and it has snowballed into more than I can mentally handle. I am the only mother-tongue English speaker and am now being pounded with requests for lessons at every hour of the day. In addition there are hours worth of work with young children, which I hate. I am sorry to say it, I know it makes me sound like a bad person, but I simply hate working with kids. I have little to no patience, I am a strict mother and cannot stand when these kids act like brats but I cannot do anything about it. I just hate working with kids and it stresses me to no end. No amount of money makes it worth it to me.
This work also interferes with my time with my kids, which is already limited because I split time with their father.
one of the things I was so proud of when I left rehab was how much my relationship with my kids improved. Now being away from them I feel anxious and stressed. But this is irrational, there are millions of working moms out there. I don't know why I can't just get a grip.
So yesterday I drank. I had an entire bottle of wine. I was ok, not sloppy, but I know I wasn't the parent I would be if I were sober. I made pasta for dinner, and only pasta. My kids are used to the typical Italian style of first course of pasta then second course of fish or meat or cheese and some vegetables, then fruit. I only made pasta.
This morning both of my boys were whiny and crying about going to school. They were not in good moods. I am CERTAIN this is due to my drinking yesterday. I know that even if I am not outright drunk they can sense something. My older son is very protective of me. I am sure the reason he didn't want to go to school is because he wanted to stay home and be with me. Even at only 8 years old he feels he has to take care of me.
When I dropped my kids off at school my younger son wanted me to walk him in, as he always does, and I did. He is often teary eyed as this is his first year of school. But this morning seeing his tears I thought in my head "of course it is ok to drink, this is a reason"
I feel so guilty and gross. On Tuesday at the AA meeting I spoke of my upcoming surgery and said I wasn't drinking (at the time I wasn't) and people were very congratulatory saying "we alcoholics always find a reason to drink, good for you for not using this as an excuse" and here I am, just days later, using it as an excuse.

Here I am going to start to ramble...
I am bored to death of English lessons. There are a few students that give me great pleasure- ones I have worked with and seen progress, who do the homework I assign to them and really try. There are others who just want to come and do conversation for an hour, who refuse my suggestion that we do at least half the lesson working on grammar. So I have to ache my way through an hour of boring as **** conversation on nothing. I do my best, I don't take anyone's money without actually trying but seriously, you cannot do conversation until you have a basic grasp of the grammar. So there is only so much we can talk about using the present tense or limited vocabulary. I am just over it. I am broke as a joke, I have to do this to earn money but I don't feel a passion for it. I can't find any other work here in Italy. I don't even know what my passion is. That's not true, my passion is music, but I satisfy that by reading books about music and listening and studying music when I have free time. But for work, what can I do?
Everyone here USES me for my English. USES me. People pass on my phone number without permission, people call wanting me to translate stuff, to do lessons, to help with this and that and babysit in English..... And then no one wants to pay me what it is worth. It is my own fault. I don't stand up for myself and insist to be paid the going rate for these services.
Yesterday I got back some blood work results I need for the upcoming surgery. It showed I was pre-menopausal. I am only 37 but I thought to myself "yes, finally, I am nearing the end" I just want to get on with this life. Not to die really, just to get on with it already.