Originally Posted by
Smarie78 
Has anyone else experienced this with their A? I have to remember that they tend to be a selfish bunch. But instead of your A viewing you as cold and cruel for dialing down the affection while you heal, do they ever just accept what they have done and actually acknowledge that they need to work to get that love back? Actually, I think that's one of the 12 Steps and signal that my A is not ready to change.
I used to experience it as well. My AXW often made a point of telling me that I shouldn't take what she did or said while drunk seriously - that I should just forget it the next morning and everything would be peachy between us. I'd get the drunken rants/arguments, you know the ones where they follow you through the house from room to room when you try to get away, and won't leave you alone at 3am because they have something 'urgent' to discuss. And then I'd get blamed for being too emotionally distant in the aftermath, because I wasn't supposed to let it bother me. I was doing something wrong by being hurt by inappropriate/hurtful behavior.
Yes, it seems insane, but it happens. Addiction breeds chaos.
But you know what? While losing our marriage was the single most heartbreaking moment in my life, staying together would have ended up much worse for me. I don't know about your A, but mine was one of the ones that would get upset if I didn't drink with her. She'd claim that I must not be having fun if I didn't have a drink in my hand, which would get her going and lead to some kind of rant later on in the evening. So while it's already tough enough staying calm and detached and dealing with stress when in a relationship with an A, adding in alcohol to the mix on my side of the equation just makes things that much harder to deal with. Had we stayed together, it's very possible that I could have ended up becoming an alcoholic as well!
The point I'm trying to get to is that misery loves company. Someone who is allowing their addiction to control their life and doesn't want to change, doesn't see the need for change, and shows no signs of changing, will drag the people around them down without even meaning to - whether or not they acknowledge that their actions hurt the important people in their life. My ex wife certainly acknowledged that she hurt me and didn't want to. Many times! Almost a weekly event. But willing to do work to regain those feelings of love? Not a snowball's chance in a bonfire. To her, it was my job to suck it up and look past the abuse, my problem that I couldn't flip a switch and be her prince charming 24/7.