The A who wonders, "What's YOUR problem??"
I have an Abf that disappears out of the blue, for about a week at a time, on binges where he drinks alone in his bedroom until he is near death. He does this repeatedly and I typically fall apart during this time; lose sleep, appetite, work suffers, depression and anxiety are the norm 24/7 for me while he is binging. The thing is, once he is back and detoxed, cleaned up with life pieced back together again like a cat with 100 billion lives and in the "whew! Can't do THAT again! what a wake up call!, I will never hurt you again!" phase, he struggles to allow me time to heal. In fact, he doesn't at all. He instead bounces back from his wagon fall and I am still hurting from picking up the pieces.
He came off the last binge one week ago. He is back to old promises and expecting me to be the same happy camper that I usually am when he comes back. For the first time I am not. Or I should say, for the first time I am not pretending to be. While I am not choosing to end the relationship at this time, I am choosing to care more about myself and allow myself to heal from the trauma that has accumulated in the last year. This means that I am not sending him sweet texts or pretending things are great and we are in love and doing awesome. It is not to punish by any means, but instead to slow down. My body is no longer letting me physically return to 'the way it was'. My body is saying - THIS IS A PROBLEM THAT WE CANNOT KEEP REPEATING OR YOU WILL DIE NEXT TIME AND I WILL BE ADMITTED TO A LOONY BIN. This simply means that I am showing him my real feelings by saying - I love you, but I cannot bounce back like you because I hurt and that is okay to show. I am healing, and that is ok too. I am taking my time in letting you earn back my trust and respect - you have to work for it now. Not as punishment, but because it's left me. You don't just get it when you come back like you always have and like I always gave it to you. For the first time I'm putting my feelings first.
Has anyone else experienced this with their A? I have to remember that they tend to be a selfish bunch. But instead of your A viewing you as cold and cruel for dialing down the affection while you heal, do they ever just accept what they have done and actually acknowledge that they need to work to get that love back? Actually, I think that's one of the 12 Steps and signal that my A is not ready to change.
Seems he has became so use to my doors being open with a smile he is a bit shell shocked this time.