You are all kind to Respond and i do understand my pathetic state. Not sure why I allow and think I deserve poor behavior. I see a therapist which you would think would help but here I am . I am scared - not easy to admit - but I live on my own now - support myself - take care of myself - do most everything alone already - and have 2 wonderful sons and a great future daughter in law ( in May) . I guess the finality of it is what scares me . Thank u again for listening - I am grateful and need to love myself more - my kids, sisters and dog think I'm pretty awesome - I wish I could see myself as they do. Hugs