I need to vent... I know the answer...

Old 09-10-2016, 04:32 PM
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I need to vent... I know the answer...

I know that ah has a serious problem. I know I've given him so many chances that it makes me so codependent and so not normal myself I can't even talk to my friends or my family and that leaves me here. My back went out last Monday so all week long I've been laying on my sofa in deep distress. Every day I managed to walk down the street to where a h lives just so I could see somebody and yesterday when I decided I wanted to spend a little time with him so i went to the garage where he watches TV - so I laid on the sofa with my knees up coykd not even see tv and it was hot and I asked him if he could share his fan with me for a few minutes - I was having such a nice time just enjoying company. He told me no that he would be hot and if I wanted the G damn thing that he would just go outside and to take it and he put the fan on me and left. I was so taken aback I got up and I walked back home and of course he apologized today and said he was so so ashamed of his behavior and he didn't know why he did it. So today we watched a TV show together and it got my mind off of my back and I asked him if I could take him to dinner at the marina because I've been alone for so many days - I drove my new car down there which isn't easy took my pillow and I've told him that I will not have beer in my brand new car I'm so proud of it it's my first luxury car. He walked out to the car carrying an open beer and I felt like I had to just stick to my guns so I said I don't want that beer in here could you put it in a cup and he said Jesus Christ no we're going a half of a mile you need to quit being such a control freak. I asked him to quit being mean and he said I was being mean. So we drove to the marina and I said in the future I've asked you to not have a beer in my car it could spill I don't want it in here it's my car we got to the restaurant he gets out slams the door and walks in this is where all of my neighbors go everyone's my friends- we sit down and he just starts in on me in front of everyone about how this is all my fault I am so horrible no one will ever be with me I said I have the right to ask you not to have an open beer in my car and he said just f*** it Susan just f*** it I said please don't cause a scene in here so he started again and said this was all my fault all my fault so I got up and left him in there. I'm left feeling like I did something wrong. I know the answer I just needed to say it out loud as I Cry I can't talk to anyone else about it. Why would I in any way shape or form think this is ok and normal why?
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Old 09-10-2016, 04:49 PM
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alcoholics can be unspeakably cruel....especially while intoxicated.....
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Old 09-10-2016, 05:25 PM
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Hey Susie,
Very sorry your back went out. That's never fun . I really hope it gets better very soon.

His cruelty is unfair and undeserved. I'm glad you can vent here.
My RA fiance at times would try to bring alcohol along for the ride and I absolutely despised it. At first I'd act annoyed and question him about it, then eventually it became an "absolutely not." My car, my licence... NO WAY!
I'm very sorry you're lonely during this time with your injury. I can understand company would be nice, but is there anyone else you can enjoy a visit with?
Feel better ♡
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Old 09-10-2016, 08:00 PM
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I'm sorry about your back, and I'm sorry he hurt your feelings.

But Suze, I've got to ask--what else do you EXPECT from him? You keep doing the same thing, he keeps doing the same thing, and then you come here and vent. You're separated for a REASON, but it's a very odd separation, since you keep going to him whenever you want something that you should know by now he won't give you.

Why not start making some new friends (outside the social circle you shared)? Maybe start some new activities where you will meet some new people. It might make you less dependent on him for company and comfort--because it seems like you're not going to get either one from him.
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Old 09-10-2016, 08:20 PM
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I'm not far along in recovering from codependency myself, but I need you to start believing that you deserve better than that.

Hope you and your back feel better soon.
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Old 09-10-2016, 08:56 PM
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I am glad you feel you can vent here. I hope you will always feel safe in doing so, because you are safe here. I am very sorry to hear about your back and hope that it heals quickly. I am also very sorry to hear about the abuse you continue to suffer at the hands of your AH.

This, by your own admission, is AH number 2 for you and what you have shared with us sounds like 'out of the frying pan and into the fire'. Why, my dear Susie, do you see yourself as someone who deserves such poor treatment. This is what breaks my heart for you.

There is knowing the answer and actually doing something with that information. I hope and pray that you will someday know, deep down, that you deserve better treatment--and then do something about it. You deserve much better treatment than anything he seems capable of providing!

What I see is someone who works hard and is capable and competent enough to have the earning capacity to afford a nice new car and treat someone else to a meal out! This, to me, is evidence that you are a smart, competent, capable and successful business woman.

I also seem to recall, as evidenced by your profile photo, that you are very fond of animals. This, to me, suggests someone with a kind and compassionate heart.

These are good things! I hope that someday you can believe that, too.
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Old 09-10-2016, 09:26 PM
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You are all kind to Respond and i do understand my pathetic state. Not sure why I allow and think I deserve poor behavior. I see a therapist which you would think would help but here I am . I am scared - not easy to admit - but I live on my own now - support myself - take care of myself - do most everything alone already - and have 2 wonderful sons and a great future daughter in law ( in May) . I guess the finality of it is what scares me . Thank u again for listening - I am grateful and need to love myself more - my kids, sisters and dog think I'm pretty awesome - I wish I could see myself as they do. Hugs
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Old 09-11-2016, 04:48 PM
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What a wonderful thing to look forward to! Happy Congratulations to the young couple. What a fun time that will be!!
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Old 09-11-2016, 07:11 PM
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I'm single too Susie and it can be hard. I can understand why you go back to him even though it is a non-functional thing to do.

Could you come up with some kind of plan to get yourself more emotional support? Of course SR is a good start in that direction!
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Old 09-11-2016, 07:29 PM
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Susie,
You are doing amazing. You are realizing what he does is wrong. That's a first step. You are talking it slow, that way it is less painful.

Hugs my friend, you are awesome!!
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Old 09-12-2016, 01:41 PM
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Suzie - Why are you not make a move to establish a social network?

I see in this writing you are dependent on him, seemingly ONLY him for contact. This is very, very bad. The ONE person you seem to have regular contact with is the same person that has caused you tremendous hurt.

Please remember this saying:

Those who hurt us, will NOT heal us.

Why don't we discuss what's going on with you socially and see if we can come up with some ideas to expand that.
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Old 09-12-2016, 03:30 PM
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"Why Does He Do That?" In the minds of angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

Active Alcoholics and dry alcoholics without a program are dreadful to deal with.

Originally Posted by Redheadsusie View Post
I know that ah has a serious problem. I know I've given him so many chances that it makes me so codependent and so not normal myself I can't even talk to my friends or my family and that leaves me here. My back went out last Monday so all week long I've been laying on my sofa in deep distress. Every day I managed to walk down the street to where a h lives just so I could see somebody and yesterday when I decided I wanted to spend a little time with him so i went to the garage where he watches TV - so I laid on the sofa with my knees up coykd not even see tv and it was hot and I asked him if he could share his fan with me for a few minutes - I was having such a nice time just enjoying company. He told me no that he would be hot and if I wanted the G damn thing that he would just go outside and to take it and he put the fan on me and left. I was so taken aback I got up and I walked back home and of course he apologized today and said he was so so ashamed of his behavior and he didn't know why he did it. So today we watched a TV show together and it got my mind off of my back and I asked him if I could take him to dinner at the marina because I've been alone for so many days - I drove my new car down there which isn't easy took my pillow and I've told him that I will not have beer in my brand new car I'm so proud of it it's my first luxury car. He walked out to the car carrying an open beer and I felt like I had to just stick to my guns so I said I don't want that beer in here could you put it in a cup and he said Jesus Christ no we're going a half of a mile you need to quit being such a control freak. I asked him to quit being mean and he said I was being mean. So we drove to the marina and I said in the future I've asked you to not have a beer in my car it could spill I don't want it in here it's my car we got to the restaurant he gets out slams the door and walks in this is where all of my neighbors go everyone's my friends- we sit down and he just starts in on me in front of everyone about how this is all my fault I am so horrible no one will ever be with me I said I have the right to ask you not to have an open beer in my car and he said just f*** it Susan just f*** it I said please don't cause a scene in here so he started again and said this was all my fault all my fault so I got up and left him in there. I'm left feeling like I did something wrong. I know the answer I just needed to say it out loud as I Cry I can't talk to anyone else about it. Why would I in any way shape or form think this is ok and normal why?
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Old 09-12-2016, 03:34 PM
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I know I've given him so many chances

CHANCES to do WHAT exactly? if you are selling raffle tickets, i can buy chances from you to WIN something, that is the EXPECTATION and the RISK. if i go to the fair, i can buy three darts which gives me three CHANCES to pop the balloon and win a stuffed elephant. if i am playing Monopoly and land on the right square, i get to DRAW from the CHANCE pile.

so what are YOU giving the AH another CHANCE to do? be as specific as possible.
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Old 09-12-2016, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
I know I've given him so many chances

CHANCES to do WHAT exactly? if you are selling raffle tickets, i can buy chances from you to WIN something, that is the EXPECTATION and the RISK. if i go to the fair, i can buy three darts which gives me three CHANCES to pop the balloon and win a stuffed elephant. if i am playing Monopoly and land on the right square, i get to DRAW from the CHANCE pile.

so what are YOU giving the AH another CHANCE to do? be as specific as possible.
Wow powerful way to put it, Anvil. Susie... Anvil is right... Do you expect his winning prize is to be you? Whom he can't stand to have around enough to even share a fan with? Or whom means so little to him that he tears you down in public and in front of your friends throwing the F bomb at you over virtually nothing? Can YOU see any logic in this?
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Old 09-12-2016, 04:29 PM
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BTW Susie all abusive tactics he throws at you.




Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Wow powerful way to put it, Anvil. Susie... Anvil is right... Do you expect his winning prize is to be you? Whom he can't stand to have around enough to even share a fan with? Or whom means so little to him that he tears you down in public and in front of your friends throwing the F bomb at you over virtually nothing? Can YOU see any logic in this?
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Old 09-12-2016, 05:28 PM
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I appreciate the responses - I agree I need to find people to share my time with who like being around me . I guess the chances I gave him were to be a nice person treat me with respect not be a raging alcoholic. I don't know - obviously I'm wasting my time and maybe god willing I will figure it out one day. I am trying I am trying to figure it out - I have a hard time luving myself apparently - if my friend told me this stuff I would tell them to run . I need to be my own friend. I appreciate you all .
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Old 09-12-2016, 05:46 PM
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You are a strong independent woman with ALOT to look forward to! Be your own best friend.....
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Old 09-12-2016, 05:49 PM
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He is a raging alcoholic Susie.

We can respect ourselves we don't need others to do it.


Originally Posted by Redheadsusie View Post
I appreciate the responses - I agree I need to find people to share my time with who like being around me . I guess the chances I gave him were to be a nice person treat me with respect not be a raging alcoholic. I don't know - obviously I'm wasting my time and maybe god willing I will figure it out one day. I am trying I am trying to figure it out - I have a hard time luving myself apparently - if my friend told me this stuff I would tell them to run . I need to be my own friend. I appreciate you all .
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Old 09-12-2016, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Redheadsusie View Post
I don't know - obviously I'm wasting my time and maybe god willing I will figure it out one day.
Why not start by making a few rules for yourself, like not seeking out or spending any minute with someone who doesnīt respect you? You donīt need to figure things out, just ACT like you have it figured out.

Iīd suggest find any social group where you can participate in an activity you enjoy, preferably with new people you donīt know. Also, make a schedule for yourself for what you will be doing with your day, every day, so there is no need for you to go kill time with a raging alcoholic. Keep busy, go through the motions, maintain NC as much as possible, and things will start falling into place.
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Old 09-12-2016, 06:46 PM
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You should go to Al-Anon. My ABF does the same thing, smokes in my car and drinks. It drives me crazy!!! But, it's not okay for him to create a scene in front of people. What are we 5????????????? I think this is a great place to vent our anger/frustration and people here genuinely know and understand what we all go through. Al-Anon just makes it more personal, exchange #'s with people there and go out to eat with them. Get coffee/breakfast with them. It's time to move on. He's not your responsibility anymore!
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