My deepest condolences on the loss of your son.
I'm so happy you're reaching out for help.
Please know, a lot of what you're feeling is normal, makes perfect sense to me. I was petrified walking into my first AA Meeting. I couldn't have asked for a warmer welcome. You're pushing past the fear and going. Good for you!
Keep posting and let us know how it goes. We're here to support you through recovery.