Oh Benjamin I feel for you I really do, I have been in your position sooooo many times, waking up not knowing what I did or said the night before. Seeing the hurt and sadness in my partners eyes, feeling so lost frightened and ashamed, wishing and praying it would never happen again. This would be followed by periods of abstinence or moderation and then bang it would happen again.
I tried everything, hypnotism, acupuncture, therapy even took Antabuse for a month last year so desperate was I not to get drunk and not to lose the man I loved but guess what, I did get drunk again and I did lose the man I loved. It's a progressive illness that destroys us and everyone around us.
I backed off many many times through fear of never being able to drink again, I refused to accept I had a problem, reasoning and comparing myself to others, what I refused to see was the effect my drinking was having on the lives of those around me. I refused to understand that by continuing to drink I was chaining myself to a life of shame and self loathing.
It is only now, through recovery I can look at my past behaviours honestly and openly and learn from them and move on. There is a saying "don't pick up the first drink and you won't get drunk".
Am sending you heartfelt wishes for a good day, it may be hard but the only thing I do know is a drink won't make it any easier.
Take care. Elle