Hello
Well I'm currently in bed with a sore head and dry mouth - alone. My partner has gone to sleep elsewhere. I'm not sure why just yet, but I've got a pretty good idea it's because I was drunk last night.
I've had enough and I want to stop drinking - it's not always a problem and I'm not dependant but if I'm honest as time goes by my habit is getting the worse and I'm getting worse. I don't depend on alcohol but crave it when feeling low and stressed , although I know this probably isn't a good time to be drinking.
Sometimes a can have a drink or two and be fine. Other times I drink a lot and I'm fine. But sometimes it's not, last night I had an outburst and was horrible to people I love and care about , last week I got so drunk I actually had a wee in the house - I can remember this happening 3 or 4 times this year
- before that I've been drunk at a works party and embarrassed myself - I've not even cast my mind back longer than a year yet , but the truth is I could keep remembering all the stupid things I've done , times I've embarrassed myself, times I've injured myself, people I've upset/hurt/said or done something nasty too. These things go back to my first drink - some i can remember but I'm sure I've forgotten about some too, and I've no doubt some I'm probably not even aware of.
My job is stressful and I use that as an excuse to drink when really I shouldn't.
Ive get a lot of feeling of self loathing today and that's not a first either , I feel bad about myself when I've behaved badly but I continue to do it.
I've had enough and I want to quit and be back in control of the kind caring person I know I am, I'm not always horrible when I'm drunk but sometimes I am - and sooner or later that's going to cost me dearly and I don't want to take that risk.
Right now I'm scared and not even that confident , the thought of never drinking again is daunting - how bad is that ? But lying here righting that and realising that thought is probably part of the problem !
I'm sorry if I've waffled on but just wrote my immediate thoughts today - I don't want to get up and face whatever I've done last night
Felling low , guilty and stupid