Lightning Bug

I would manage to string together clean time and believe that I was sober because I wasn't using. Stopping was easy. But even sober I kept failing at real recovery because I was not working a program at all. White knuckling is a good description because I wasn't living life I was just getting through the day like a starving zombie chained to a wall desperately clawing at the air for food.

I knew all about the various structured recovery programs. I tirelessly combed through all the literature until I mastered the concepts. While knowledge is power, it is also worthless when you don't apply that knowledge and actually do the work. Passive recovery is not real recovery and I just didn't get that.

Then I went to rehab and threw myself into the treatment program. Instead of just reading about it I was doing it. I learned to take control of myself. I participated in all my therapy instead of telling the counselor what they wanted to hear. I opened up in group and spoke the ugly truth that I was a master of hiding. Instead of being self-absorbed with my baggage I frequently set it aside to be a source of help to the people around me.

I found real recovery for the first time at rehab and even though I had a rough time letting go of the safety of inpatient, I brought my recovery home with me and continued to work my plan daily. I tried many approaches for structured programs, but I found that my plan needed to be custom tailored to me. So I took what I needed from all the programs and designed a plan that worked for me. I added meditation, DBT, psychotherapy, vitamin therapy, blogging, and online forums to my menu. I went to AA and Smart Recovery and while I decided not to exclusively join either, I added pieces of their programs to my goodie bag of resources.

I am only one person and can speak only of my experience. I believe that recovery is personal journey and what works for me won't necessarily work for another. But there is one truth that I hold dear and I will preach about it until I die. You can get sober by just stopping the drink, but to achieve and maintain real recovery you have to make a plan and work it hard. Passive recovery is an illusion that plays tricks on a fragile mind. Action based recovery is real and when you find yourself living it you are going to want to grab it tight and never let it go.

I'm proud of you for making the decision to work a program. Remember it is personal and there are many structured options available. All the programs offer amazing support, but I don't believe that one is better than another. The best program available is the one you find success in.