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Old 08-24-2016, 07:10 AM
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lizatola
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Well, count me enlightened

I often forget how much my past affects how I react to others today. I often feel slighted, I fear abandonment, and I tend to take things personally but I know I've made progress because I can see other people's perspectives first now before I fly off the handle, lol.

This past weekend, I saw that my bf had cut the grass even though he had hurt his back. I chastised him and said that I was going to do it soon once the work week was over. Then, I caught him (yes, I'm using that term purposely) cleaning the bathroom!! EEK...wtf was he thinking? I said, AGAIN, "Hey I was going to do that after I dropped you off at the airport." Well, at this point he was frustrated and just said, "Yeah, well you said that about the grass. I'm just doing what needs to be done." I left the room.

An hour later, literally 2 minutes before we have to head to the airport, I see him dusting the front hallway credenza!!! WTF was he thinking? I, again, said the same damn thing and at this point I've pushed his buttons. He smirked and said, "Don't worry there's lots of work to be done around here that I'm sure you can get finished."

See, I actually was pissed off that he was doing, what I considered to be, my job. I sat and meditated about the whole thing and I realized that when I was married to my alcoholic, I was super woman. I ran the house, I cleaned everything, I cut the grass, did the cooking, pulled the weeds, remembered to take the trash out, etc. Remember the commercial from the 70s, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan.......etc" That was me. And, I never let my alcoholic ex forget the fact that I did everything and he did nothing.

I gave myself a lot of pats on the back for being so capable and so much better than my XAH. Don't get in my way or try to clean something that's on my list! That's MINE and I can do it myself because I have always been doing it myself, thank you very much.

It was one of the few things I had control of: how the house was cleaned, what meals were cooked, etc. I had control of the HOUSE. Since I couldn't control my XAH's alcoholism, I had to find something that was MINE to fix, mine to have domain over. So, when my bf stepped on my toes unwittingly, he was frustrated by my reaction. I don't blame him. He was right, there's plenty to clean in this house, lol. Instead of just thanking him, I saw it as an infraction against my ego.

By the way, I wrote him a card and thanked him for all that he does around the house. I told him that I was not used to having a partner who pulls their own weight and that it throws me off when he does so. I expressed my gratitude and told him I loved him. He was grateful for the honesty, as well. Without program and awareness, I'd still be that crazy b*tch. I didn't even know I was crazy when I lived with the disease of alcoholism but I still carry those wounds around with me. So grateful to program because I've learned to step back, to respond instead of react (or to at least figure out why I reacted the way I did). I hope this helps some of you here on the boards. Hugs and Happy Wednesday all!
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