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Well, count me enlightened

Old 08-24-2016, 07:10 AM
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Well, count me enlightened

I often forget how much my past affects how I react to others today. I often feel slighted, I fear abandonment, and I tend to take things personally but I know I've made progress because I can see other people's perspectives first now before I fly off the handle, lol.

This past weekend, I saw that my bf had cut the grass even though he had hurt his back. I chastised him and said that I was going to do it soon once the work week was over. Then, I caught him (yes, I'm using that term purposely) cleaning the bathroom!! EEK...wtf was he thinking? I said, AGAIN, "Hey I was going to do that after I dropped you off at the airport." Well, at this point he was frustrated and just said, "Yeah, well you said that about the grass. I'm just doing what needs to be done." I left the room.

An hour later, literally 2 minutes before we have to head to the airport, I see him dusting the front hallway credenza!!! WTF was he thinking? I, again, said the same damn thing and at this point I've pushed his buttons. He smirked and said, "Don't worry there's lots of work to be done around here that I'm sure you can get finished."

See, I actually was pissed off that he was doing, what I considered to be, my job. I sat and meditated about the whole thing and I realized that when I was married to my alcoholic, I was super woman. I ran the house, I cleaned everything, I cut the grass, did the cooking, pulled the weeds, remembered to take the trash out, etc. Remember the commercial from the 70s, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan.......etc" That was me. And, I never let my alcoholic ex forget the fact that I did everything and he did nothing.

I gave myself a lot of pats on the back for being so capable and so much better than my XAH. Don't get in my way or try to clean something that's on my list! That's MINE and I can do it myself because I have always been doing it myself, thank you very much.

It was one of the few things I had control of: how the house was cleaned, what meals were cooked, etc. I had control of the HOUSE. Since I couldn't control my XAH's alcoholism, I had to find something that was MINE to fix, mine to have domain over. So, when my bf stepped on my toes unwittingly, he was frustrated by my reaction. I don't blame him. He was right, there's plenty to clean in this house, lol. Instead of just thanking him, I saw it as an infraction against my ego.

By the way, I wrote him a card and thanked him for all that he does around the house. I told him that I was not used to having a partner who pulls their own weight and that it throws me off when he does so. I expressed my gratitude and told him I loved him. He was grateful for the honesty, as well. Without program and awareness, I'd still be that crazy b*tch. I didn't even know I was crazy when I lived with the disease of alcoholism but I still carry those wounds around with me. So grateful to program because I've learned to step back, to respond instead of react (or to at least figure out why I reacted the way I did). I hope this helps some of you here on the boards. Hugs and Happy Wednesday all!
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Old 08-24-2016, 07:21 AM
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Liz, we are twins!! I feel that I have to control what goes on in and out of the house, because living with an A so long, we realize how undependable they are.
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Old 08-24-2016, 07:23 AM
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Yes, I can definitely see tendencies to do this at work and at home. I have been very successful with delegating tasks lately - proud of that. And it feels great - less work for me, and people are empowered and greatful for the challenge (there are some that complain - but that is their personal problem).

XAH used to have plenty of tasks to do, not do them, and then get mad when I ended up doing them (because it had to be done).
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Old 08-24-2016, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I gave myself a lot of pats on the back for being so capable and so much better than my XAH. Don't get in my way or try to clean something that's on my list! That's MINE and I can do it myself because I have always been doing it myself, thank you very much.
I definitely understand this "I don't need you" defensiveness. Its intense. When AH tries to help with DS I am pretty good about not lashing out, but internally I'm thinking "He doesn't like that, but you wouldn't know because you were never around...." or "His bed time is this, his routine is that, just let me do it, etc etc..."

Once you realize you're superwoman/superman and can do it on your own, its honestly annoying when someone else who has forced you into that position tries to come back in while the defensive wall is still up...

Last edited by hope778; 08-24-2016 at 08:04 AM. Reason: grammar
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Old 08-24-2016, 08:57 AM
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Lizatola-I def feel you on this. That was me as well...absolutely. Good thing is you see it, stopped, thought about it and were honest about it. That's all you can do!! I say, kudos!
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Old 08-24-2016, 09:05 AM
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Yeah, good job.
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Old 08-24-2016, 09:07 AM
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definitely understand the HEY that's MINE bit!!!

conversely, i also have a tendency to defer certain tasks and projects TO hank - not simply because i don't want to DO them, but due to my sense of not being capable of doing them or doing them well. or possible self-injury!!!

the problem with THAT is that hank has his own timetable.....i think it's based on StoneHenge.....cuz nothing ever seems to happen in current calendar years, more over the slow passing time from one monolith to the next.

i shared before about the great lawn mower incident, when i basically manipulated/guilted him into mowing the grass and that resulted in a rock shooting out from under the blades and taking out the back passenger window of my car. so i have choices.....i can wait until hell freezes over OR.............do it myself. things that are NOT in my skill set, wheel house or carved out kingdom of control
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Old 08-24-2016, 12:19 PM
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Anvil, sometimes I still have to wait for hell to freeze over or do it myself. My bf isn't always on top of everything but neither am I, lol.

I got a text from him yesterday, 'Hey did you get those concert tickets we talked about last month yet?"
Me, having just arrived home while he's out of town, thinking, "hmm, I can go online and find the tix NOW or I can tell him the truth and say I didn't do it yet......" Hmmmm?

I told him, "Sorry, didn't do it yet. I'll check tonight." His response? "Ok. Thanks for doing that. Appreciate it."

See, once again, I'm used to dysfunction. I immediately went into panic mode feeling like the way I did when my XAH would lay into me if I ever dropped the ball or didn't follow through. And, because my bf extends me grace and understanding and is laid back about this stuff, I can learn to take his lead and do the same.
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Old 08-24-2016, 12:23 PM
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Anvilhead..".calendar based on Stonehinge"......H aaar...har..haar...
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Old 08-24-2016, 12:34 PM
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I relate to this so much. When I was single and dated a guy, he said to me something along the lines of, "You don't let people help you, do you?"

The answer was, not really. I am so used to just doing it myself. I have to actually learn to remember I am not superwoman and I do deserve some help.

Thanks for helping me remember.
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