Ladies, this is a little embarrassing to share. Its a real feeling I'm having and it was brought out more yesterday. I know it may be something no one can relate to. I think his may be related to the sense of powerlessness, loss of control I felt when my husband forced himself on me months ago plus how he seems go continue thinking of himself and minimizing me like the issue with birth control and asking him to take precautions.
going with him yesterday was ok. He got 3 attendances marked even though we didnt stay for the 3rd meeting. He saw others getting their attendance done and then leaving and the man told him he marks the attendance and would just as soon have people leave if thats all they came for.
Ok but here is my emotional issue. there is a part of me that feels good he is forced to do what he doesnt want. Go to meetings. There is a part of me that would also like him to sort of submit to this process, get a. Sponsor and have someone taking away part of his giant know it all, do what I want attitude. Something that he is forced to submit to. So he loses some control and see how it feels. In my head its the one reason I sometimes wish he was in sober living where he has do follow their rules And submit to testing.
I know this must be related to my feelings of having choice taken from me? I hope I dont sound just sick in the head. I'm not a vengeful person and I dont know where these thoughts are coming from if not from my own feelings somehow bottled up.
And maybe worse it feels like a turn on seeing him forced by the probation department.
I see my therapist this week. I love my husband and I want to make this all work but thoughts like this are not healthy or healing are they? Confused again by my feelings and mixed with why recovering addicts need structure or authority over them. Its not my place to wish it on him I know.