equus

But I like it!

We had our visit to APAS today to begin on the careplan. It is a different approach to al-anon/aa, 12 steps but one that both of us are more comfortable with.

First of all the goal for us is 2 fold. Firstly that we tackle recovering from what's happened within a healthy, balanced inter-dependence. It's acknowledged that couples influence each others behaviour and that mutual support is vital BUT within that we also have individual responsibilities.

Secondly as we learn that we both caretake better communication and support each other through D maintaining abstainence, and me relaxing about past events/slips along the way. This is quite a hard concept to get across and it DOES NOT mean that I hold any responsibility for his drinking, or that he holds responsibility for my happiness, it's no more than accepting we influence each other and have a responsibility to give out what we want to get back.

So down to the care plan - it's based on us!! It's drawn up entirely from what I feel would help support me (with D agreeing if he thinks it's doable), and what D thinks would help support him (as long as I think it's doable). On top of that it can include things that D asks I do for myself or that I ask he does for himself!!

I included him finishing the email to his brother, him clearing the plates every night, shower every day, read through the SMART website thouroughly (for most that would be a task and a half but D reads a novel a night!).

D asked that I move empty fag packets, put my shoes under the dining room table, keep my petrol tank at least one quater full, and put the post in the same place every day.

And the point is - we both learn to be specific about our needs, we use tasks to learn how changing behaviour can change feelings, moods, habits and even belief. We get praise from each other for achieving the tasks by the dates and we build on it week by week towards more serious issues.

I'm so pleased with it - it's such a doable first step. I understand it and it supports what we both want in the long run which is to be there in a meaningful way for each other. I loved the freedom, I loved that I could ask him to complete something I know he wants to complete without having to excuse that. Those things matter to me as much as the plates or him coming to bed clean and I'm allowed to feel that way.

Don't worry though if it all goes **** up I'll post that here too - but I'm hopeful!