MrPL

Hi,

This is my first post here, so since everyone seems to start by talking a bit about themselves I will do the same.

I m 33 yrs old and I started drinking and taking drugs regularly when I was 14. I never thought much of it until about 2009, when the drug use got heavy and for pretty much the whole year I was drunk and high on coke (and other things) about 5 times a week. In 2010 I managed to stay sober for 4 months with the aim of quitting drugs, and since then haven't touched drugs again but decided to try and keep drinking in a "controlled" way. Obviously it didn't work.

To summarise it, over the past few years I have had the odd month off, but otherwise will drink 6-8 cans of cider every night, often more, generally on my own in the house. I have a great family, wife and two little boys, and things are well in that front, but lately, as my boys grow up, I have started to see I am not always the dad I want to be, so about 6 months ago I made the call to quit (same thing I did about drugs in 2010). The problem is I have had to make the same call about 10 times since then, and every time I "start again" I seem to drink more and more. The latest break was counting to 16 days yesterday, but somehow I always convince myself there is a reason to drink again, and that's what happenned yesterday night ("it was sunny and I was bored...").

So now here is where I stand: I know I need to stop drinking, I know I want to be in a place where my head is clear, my body is healthy and I can enjoy things for what they are, and that's always the thought when the day begins, but somehow this thought changes when I leave work. Sometimes I can stop myself, most times not, and this is starting to get to me, which makes me want to drink even more.

I have an event coming this Saturday where it will be very hard not to drink heavily (not going is not an option), so I m thinking: "what the hell, might as well keep going and quit on Sunday". Obviously I should just say I won't drink on Saturday or ever again, but I find it hard to believe it and don't want to disappoint myself if I end up drinking, so feeling a bit stuck.

I m scared something heavy will have to happen for me to take this seriously, like me getting very ill, my wife leaving me, screwing up at work or disappointing my kids, and for the first time I can see very early signs of some of these things happening.

I m hoping talking about it here will help, reading some of your stories has definitely been inspiring, well done everyone who managed to stop. I honestly hope I can say the same about myself soon.

P