Kaya,
Don't be so hard on yourself, we have all been there. If you look back on my threads you will see that I did the same exact thing!! We so want to believe that the very thought of losing us would make the A in our life seek treatment. Unfortunately, that is not the case most of the time. It's now time for you to PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF and move on with it. Do yourself a favor and block him. That truly was the only thing that worked for me. It's so very hard to see what is going on while you are in the thick of it. Give yourself the time that YOU NEED to try to make heads and tails of the situation. This guy DOES NOT deserve you. Let him dump his crap on his new DATE. DEEP BREATH MY LOVE, you will be ok!! We live and learn.
Ro