LovelyKaya33333

Spending the majority of this morning crying, screaming, cursing God, not eating, living on caffeine and wanting to seclude myself... How am I here again?! I know I went back by my own free will... but why on earth did I believe him... What inside of me needed him to love me so desperately that I let him back in? That is where the real work begins I am seeing. My best friend (who has been through this whole hell with me) asked me today why it is that I can't see how beautiful, capable and kind I am... She also said she swears to god that I am the smartest woman she knows... I get asked out often by guys and I don't have a problem meeting friends or men... but why the heck am I fixated so badly on this one person validating me? At what point did he become the barometer of my self worth. I know I was strong enough to tell him to kick rocks when he started drinking again... I know that I told him to go to hell when I found out he was going to go on a date with another girl after we started dating again... but why does it feel like I can't breathe? I feel like I should feel relieved... and I feel so so so alone... shut down... hurt and small... I feel very very small...why do I even still care?

Wells

Kaya,

Unfortunately it's probably as hard to explain the reasons you feel that way as it is for the alcoholics to explain why they keep going back to the booze despite the problems they have in their lives due to the alcohol. I wish I could explain it too.

I have been "single" for a month now since she moved out and despite the fact she drank and showed me absolutely no respect I still miss her, which defies logic but is part of our side of the "disease" I guess. If it's any consolation what you are feeling is normal, it just isn't any fun. It will pass but it won't pass nearly as fast as you want it to which also blows.

I try and tell myself I really am just missing companionship and affection, and that I will be able to find it again someday. The dream of a life together with someone is tough to let go, and I've been struggling. We will get through this though! Sounds like you have a wonderful friend and many things in life to be thankful for. A lot of us codies I think are very well-rounded and wonderful people. We have a lot to bring to the table for the right person. It is just a little tough to break the cycle. Hang in there, we'll get through this.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you Wells... I just keeping thinking how further along I would be had I taken all the advice given. I would have 2 months almost of no contact and be in a much better space... instead I didn't listen to my gut instinct and I played Russian Roulette with my life... I have to figure out what inside me wanted his love more than I wanted my sanity.... Thank you for your reply. It really helps to know that we are both going through something similar

Refiner

Don't be so hard on yourself LK. I've seen here that often Codependents are actually more sick than the ones addicted to the substance since they at least numb their feelings with the substance(s) and also have pre-existing characteristics that make them less "hardy" when it comes to relationships if you know what I mean. Are you in some sort of program for YOUR recovery?
Have you gone No Contact 100% yet?

NYCDoglvr

Addiction, including codependency, is fueled by denial and rationalization. Hitting rock bottom is when the blinders fall off, we get to the truth. We finally see that we -- not the other person -- are the problem.

alcoholics wife

Despite all the issues I had with my ex, I still crawled back to him after 7 break ups. I kept torturing myself until I truly hit my bottom and was so emotionally drained. My mind stopped rationalizing and justifying going back to him. I physically and mentally had no more fuel to give that relationship. There is no saying where your rock bottom is. To this day, I don't blame him for anything. He was who he was. At the time though, I felt like I was the victim. Now I refuse to play the victim game. I kept giving him second, third, tenth chances! I was to blame. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Working on yourself is so necessary to figure out what compels you to men who are emotionally unavailable, damaged, dishonest etc. It's no coincidence that you fell in love with this type of man. Usually we all have a type. Codependents usually find their troubled and addicted partners.

I too dated, I'm successful, if I go out I can always find a guy who wants to pick me up. But I always ditched the good guys (you know, the ones that you should have settled down with) and instead fall madly in love for the drunks. Agh! It's like if I was the bachelorette on that reality tv show with 25 men, I'd eliminate all the nice guys and get hitched with the guy who was on the show for the free constant supply of booze.

BeachPlease

Isn't it amazing how others see the good in us, but we don't see it in ourselves? I think a lot of people give tons of chances, just hoping next time it will be different. Fortunately, you are aware of the situation and can plan for your future accordingly. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Txjeepguy

In the grand scheme of things two months isn't much. Chalk it up as a life lesson.

It would be nice to be two months further along, but it could have been a lot longer or a lot worse.

Time for you to detox from him. Maybe a vacation is in order?

Lilro

Kaya,

Don't be so hard on yourself, we have all been there. If you look back on my threads you will see that I did the same exact thing!! We so want to believe that the very thought of losing us would make the A in our life seek treatment. Unfortunately, that is not the case most of the time. It's now time for you to PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF and move on with it. Do yourself a favor and block him. That truly was the only thing that worked for me. It's so very hard to see what is going on while you are in the thick of it. Give yourself the time that YOU NEED to try to make heads and tails of the situation. This guy DOES NOT deserve you. Let him dump his crap on his new DATE. DEEP BREATH MY LOVE, you will be ok!! We live and learn.
Ro

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you everyone. I am actually doing MUCH better this time around in my head. It isn't spinning. I went to an alanon meeting Sunday. Talked to my sponsor 2 times Sunday and had therapy yesterday morning. Worked and worked out with a girlfriend too... The rest of the Day on Sunday I honestly didn't care what he was doing. 50% of me felt relieved that he wasn't in my bed Sunday night and I didn't wake up with anxiety Monday morning. I think when you have been through enough with these active alcoholics...when the bad outweighs the good, when you realize you feel more peaceful when they aren't in your presence it starts to get easier. Well for me anyway

Ariesagain

At some point, your self-respect steps in, puts its hands on its hips, and says, "Excuse me? Who does this chowderhead think he is?"

It's very helpful!

alcoholics wife

That's good to hear. When I broke up with my AXBF for good, I didn't have the usual anxiety that accompanies trying to be in control of what he is doing when you aren't around. Sometimes that anxiety becomes so overwhelming that you end up back together just so you can go back to the misery to just keep tabs on him. It makes no sense. It's a sigh of relief when that anxiety is gone, a huge weight is lifted and you don't give a sh*t if he drinks his face off at the bar and blacks out. Ain't your worries anymore.

manicpanic156

It sounds like you are on a really great path...At the end of the day, you just have to figure this all out on your own and come to those conclusions yourself. It has taken so many of us years and years and year. PLease just be thankful that you do not have children with him and that your break can be a clean one. There is someone out there that will treat you with so much respect <3

Wells

Two months really is a short time after some of the stories I have read here, where people have separated and taken their partner back time and time again over years, I've even read it happening for some over decades. These 2 months are a blip and I can sense a difference you in this time that I didn't in your prior posts. I think you are just realizing that he's not ready now, and also the possibility he may never be, to straighten out. So in taking control back and protecting yourself from any further damage, you are doing a very empowering thing.

I sometimes have to remind myself, especially on my down days, I am here because I care very much about myself and my own well being. It doesn't mean I don't also care very much about my ex's well being. I just know that I have put enough time in the way things were that she wasn't getting well with me -- she was getting worse, and so was I. So we were hurting each other by being together.

You don't have to give up hope that he'll want recovery someday, I've learned that too -- I will carry that hope for my ex as well. However I can't expect a miracle because no actions have indicated anything is changing. Your ex may be back again and again because of the connection you share, but ifsince his actions aren't backing up his prior promises, and at the same violating your boundary that you had the courage to set, the choice you made was the way to go.

You sound very intelligent and together given how difficult this all has been for you -- I know you are going to be fine, sorry you had to go through it again after some false hope (SO many of us have been there!) but you are in the right place for you today. Hope to see you around.