I have read all of your posts, Mxdad. I thought about replying earlier in my reading but kept going to learn more.
Your story really strikes me because my boyfriend finally left his wife of 18 years, after three affairs (at different times) and her alcoholism. That's the super short version of his story, and the part that made me connect his story to yours is the whole idea of how you want to live, and how you both love and, probably, loathe your partner of decades. Normal. And not a fun place- definitely a confusing and sad one- to be in. His story includes nights of waiting for her to come home- he shared with me last night about the first time she drunkenly disappeared and what it felt like waiting for the door to open...it not opening...her friends' having called....etc- and he's talked to me about his thought process over the years, deciding to stay and what kind of marriage he ended up accepting, a lot of stuff.
I share this so you know that you, as the husband, are not alone. I think delving too far into the actual sex-and-kind-of-guys part is ... unhelpful. Macho guy stuff won't help. Processing that reaction of course, will be hard. Keep looking at how you want to proceed, be sober yourself and live a good life.
Remember: whatever YOU decide, you absolutely cannot control what SHE does. She will drink or not, she will cheat or not. You get to decide what you accept and what you don't, and when and where you reach your limit, if you do reach one that means divorce.
Good luck.