Thank you thank you thank you everyone for responding...
Some of these things I needed to hear. I was irritated by some of it but like Ivan said, it was food for thought for sure. I see a lot of truth in the logic and explanations that you guys offered and in my blind fury stupor I could have never reached some of these conclusions. So thank you all very much. Each of you said something meaningful to me.
Today we continued the argument and of course he finished with his usual "I'll never ask you again" which I have heard a lot. I have such a hard time controlling my temper and I unleash like a viper. I'm really trying to do better. I explained to him (again) that I can't have any, I don't want to. I used some of the awesome lines you guys have me and I reminded him of the horrible things that I did and that happened to me and us while I was drinking. I specially reminded him of a time when he was driving and I was drunk arguing with him and all of the sudden I reached over and put the truck on reverse... I'm lucky I didn't mess up the truck or cause an accident. This wasn't the only thing I brought up. I brought up a lot of things and he finally said that he didn't want that again. I use humor and say I am a macadamia... A nut!!
I'm trying to internalize that this isnt about him, that this is all about me and that he really has no power over me and my actions. I will not let my AV use his words to try to get at me. I have to grow and be a bigger person and not react and I have to control myself and not let him get to me but it's just soooo hard!!! I admire those mature people who can just do that. I have a long way to go.
I really like what you guys mentioned about perhaps making him uncomfortable by having him examine himself. This might ring true eventhough I have always stated that he can drink and smoke if he so desires. He keeps repeating that if he drinks and I don't we will not be "on the same level". I can see his point but I am honestly capable of enjoying conversation with him without substances. I have said this before. I sing and dance sober, I am silly and everything sober so the "same level" argument might have some grounds but I think that he has just made up his mind about this and won't give it a chance to happen. I feel that he feels judged by me and I have no room to judge him or anyone else. I was a binge drinker so he also has a hard time realizing that us alchies come in all kinds so it's also hard to accept in his mind that I am a boozer.
Another thing that I also needed to hear was the anger thing. You guys are so right! It only zaps me. I have to learn to let these things go. I have made progress but I have a long way to go.
Seriously: thanks so much for your input and feedback and for helping me grow. This place is truly priceless. Thank you for the understanding, honesty and support. Like I said I needed to hear some of your points. You guys are my SR family and I appreciate all of you so much. And Darwinia, thanks for the good laugh. I needed it.
Hugs and kisses to all of you!!!