I know all of you have been there in some shape or form so your words are appreciated and give comfort. We know that it takes time, and that's all there is to it.
Ohio Dad - Are you sure my ex isn't driving to Ohio every day to be your AW and then back to my town? It is remarkable when we find such similarities. I won't say she never would chip in around the house or want to do something together as a couple. It was just SO rare -- And if I had the audacity to ever ask her to help with a chore (cleaning especially) I caught a lot of flack and was told she wasn't my maid or servant. I just knew I couldn't do it all myself. I needed help. If I didn't get it, that was just another chore to add to the list of things that needed done if I wanted the house to stay nice. Like your AW, in addition to drinking alcohol, my ex would be on her tablet most of the time doing the same things your AW did. There were no other interests or hobbies. She tried joining a gym, reading, and a few other various things and they lasted a day or two for the most part. The activity she enjoyed the most was drinking at home, or drinking at bars / out drinking with friends. She did this well and often.
Kittycat unfortunately that's what I felt like at times and I just kept waiting for the awakening that never came. I think I remarked to her a few times that I felt like the parent of an unruly teenager instead of her partner. So many times I longed for a "normal" life, I looked jealously at others with relationships that just seemed more like an equal footing or partnership and just felt like she wasn't on the same level for some reason.
I am not without fault and have realized my own shortcomings. Being single I realize how busy I still am and how I can get wrapped up in my own activities and life and in the future, I do need to find a way to manage a relationship among everything else that I need/want to do. Probably my biggest fault is that I can be very self-involved at times. I also internalized things a lot.
Alcoholism is such a defeating presence in a relationship. I realized that as much as I wanted to complement my ex, tell her I love her, have intimacy, the incidents surrounding alcohol hit the reset button on those feelings every time. We would sometimes hit a time period of a week or two where she didn't overdo it, drank moderately, or not at all, started helping around the house, worked hard, became more lively and personable as a result of the alcohol being on the back burner. I remember always feeling the loving feelings coming back, and starting to rediscover us and her again. It made me want to complement her more, buy her little gifts, tell her I loved her, just want to be around her more. In all these cases, the moment I would tell her these things, how much I loved her and that I felt like we turned a corner, like clockwork, the next day or two she would go really overboard with the alcohol again. It was like there was some weird switch in her brain telling her that things were getting too normal, I was happy, the relationship was going well, and all of that had to be destroyed. Self-destruction at its finest and purest form.
Dandy I sure appreciate that, how lucky you are to share your life with so many wonderful animals! I want to give just me a little more time but have come to terms with the fact that I loved the companionship of the dog and will be looking to rescue my own someday.