Feeling Sorry for Myself

Old 08-01-2016, 08:44 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Yes, Jeep, the late nights followed by sleeping the post-drinking days away. I remember being so happy because I at least knew when there was a heck of a bender the day before, I would get a day without drinking, maybe even a few if I was lucky, before she felt good enough to pick up again. Every time hoping she would determine it was the last time she wanted to spend a hungover day feeling ill in bed. Wishing it would become her sober day one. Never happened.

Thanks for the response re: texting. Sounds as if that's more a personality trait than something common for addicts then. Just an observation.

The other thing that Jeep's post rattled loose in me is the realization of the double standard. We started living almost separate lives for a while because I told her I didn't want to go out with her if she would be drinking. When every destination turned into one where alcohol was served, I stopped going. So I'd go out on my own, have a bite and a drink or two sometimes, be home in an hour or so. She'd go out on her own, stay out for 8 hours straight drinking, come home right before sunrise. But I was controlling and no fun because my idea of out was not the same as hers.

I also was constantly asked about my plans. Jeep's mention of working on the house and mowing the lawn for example. I kept a mental (sometimes written) chore list and it got lengthy at times because I had no help. So it became almost a sad running joke when a weekend or weeknight started and she would ask, basically, what are my plans for the rest of the day/night? I would then rattle off all the things I wanted to do or that had to get done, she would offer no help, or sometimes ask what I was going to do to "entertain her". She didn't like to do chores, and didn't have much in the way of hobbies other than texting or surfing the web, so it was left to be to be the entertainment director. I did often challenge her to come up with something she'd like to do, that involved no alcohol at all, and I'd happily drop everything to do it with her, but she never could. She stopped wanting to go to places that served food unless they had alcohol a long time ago, too.

Hi Red!

I will have to look into pup fostering opportunities, that would be fun I think. I'd love to see our dog again SO much, probably as much as she wants to drink, but I have to resist because it hurt so bad when she left the first time. I don't want to do the silly thing and rush into a new dog so soon after I'm not even over my old dog (so funny the parallels between that and human relationships).
Wells is offline  
Old 08-01-2016, 09:39 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wells.....for what it is worth.....I think I was able to dispel what I consider to be a myth that o ne has to have a substantial amount of time and emotionally grieve and get over the loss of one pet before engaging with another pet.

I have tested this, myself. One example is when my beloved "smoky Joe" (a kitty) got hit by a car. Oh, my,.....when I tell you that I was devastated...jt would almost be an understatement. My husband was heartbroken as well.
When I told my husband that I wanted to bring another homeless grey striped kitty into our lives....he said that he thought we should "wait"...so did some other people advise the same thing.
But, my heart was screaming to save another grey striped kitty...as maybe a lilving monument to Smoky, as well. His l ost life could at least give a chance for another life to live....

Well, unbeknownst to my husband, I located a litter of kittens..all grey striped, that were too young to be weaned from their mother. So, I arranged for my husband and I to go and meet the family and pick out one for our adoption. Well....we were instantly over the moon over one of them (Rocky). We went every few days to visit him, until he was of adopting age!
He came to our home, and joined our other dogs and kittys and became another creature of love in our home and hearts. We adored him.
Not one bit did it take away our love and memories for smoky Joe....or our sadness of losing him. though, it did brink some comfort for our souls....

Now, Wells, I want to say, loud and clear, that I am not even about to try to get someone to adopt and animal if they feel that they aren't ready or don't want to. I am only saying that the notion that there should be a rule that a certain mourning period is necessary....just isn't necessarily true....it is not a rule. It is not written anywhere, and cannot be validated...
I'm just saying.....

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 08-02-2016, 04:37 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
CentralOhioDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Wells - it's funny (not so much) that you mention your long chore list because of no help, then the A wants to be kept company and entertained because they are bored! The AW is the same way - if she wants time alone, that's okay - but if I want to do something, then I'm being cold, or uncaring, or selfish. And her hobbies are texting, Facebook, and surfing the web.

Makes not one bit of sense.
CentralOhioDad is offline  
Old 08-02-2016, 10:24 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
kittycat3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Wells, hope you are doing better now. I know better times must be ahead.
Just reading your last post was difficult, can't imagine what it was like to actually live it. Sounds like you were living with someone that was more like a child than a partner. Sad as you must be, you deserve so much more!
kittycat3 is offline  
Old 08-02-2016, 08:25 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
I know all of you have been there in some shape or form so your words are appreciated and give comfort. We know that it takes time, and that's all there is to it.

Ohio Dad - Are you sure my ex isn't driving to Ohio every day to be your AW and then back to my town? It is remarkable when we find such similarities. I won't say she never would chip in around the house or want to do something together as a couple. It was just SO rare -- And if I had the audacity to ever ask her to help with a chore (cleaning especially) I caught a lot of flack and was told she wasn't my maid or servant. I just knew I couldn't do it all myself. I needed help. If I didn't get it, that was just another chore to add to the list of things that needed done if I wanted the house to stay nice. Like your AW, in addition to drinking alcohol, my ex would be on her tablet most of the time doing the same things your AW did. There were no other interests or hobbies. She tried joining a gym, reading, and a few other various things and they lasted a day or two for the most part. The activity she enjoyed the most was drinking at home, or drinking at bars / out drinking with friends. She did this well and often.

Kittycat unfortunately that's what I felt like at times and I just kept waiting for the awakening that never came. I think I remarked to her a few times that I felt like the parent of an unruly teenager instead of her partner. So many times I longed for a "normal" life, I looked jealously at others with relationships that just seemed more like an equal footing or partnership and just felt like she wasn't on the same level for some reason.

I am not without fault and have realized my own shortcomings. Being single I realize how busy I still am and how I can get wrapped up in my own activities and life and in the future, I do need to find a way to manage a relationship among everything else that I need/want to do. Probably my biggest fault is that I can be very self-involved at times. I also internalized things a lot.

Alcoholism is such a defeating presence in a relationship. I realized that as much as I wanted to complement my ex, tell her I love her, have intimacy, the incidents surrounding alcohol hit the reset button on those feelings every time. We would sometimes hit a time period of a week or two where she didn't overdo it, drank moderately, or not at all, started helping around the house, worked hard, became more lively and personable as a result of the alcohol being on the back burner. I remember always feeling the loving feelings coming back, and starting to rediscover us and her again. It made me want to complement her more, buy her little gifts, tell her I loved her, just want to be around her more. In all these cases, the moment I would tell her these things, how much I loved her and that I felt like we turned a corner, like clockwork, the next day or two she would go really overboard with the alcohol again. It was like there was some weird switch in her brain telling her that things were getting too normal, I was happy, the relationship was going well, and all of that had to be destroyed. Self-destruction at its finest and purest form.

Dandy I sure appreciate that, how lucky you are to share your life with so many wonderful animals! I want to give just me a little more time but have come to terms with the fact that I loved the companionship of the dog and will be looking to rescue my own someday.
Wells is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:55 AM.