I don't understand-can someone explain?
I honestly don't know much about the 12-step program. So I just need someone to explain the amends step in the program-how it actually works.
Sorry this is so long-
He told me this over the weekend:
My husband was sent to 30 day rehab while in the military. He told me he started AA. (this was back in 2000) He said he got to the amends part and he attempted 3 times to apologize and make amends with his now ex wife. She is an EXTREMELY high conflict person, always the victim, never takes responsibility for anything, etc. (To this day, she still thinks that he should have tolerated her cheating and crazy spending, and general crappy behavior because he married her and promised her til death do us part) The psychiatrist's note in his medical file states that he was concerned that his wife was the reason he was drinking so much because all she seemed interested in was whether or not he was going to remain on the antidepressants. He also noted later in the file that she threw a fit when the dr. recommended taking him off the pills he was on and put him on something else because he appeared to be like a "zombie" on the medication. She then left when the doctor changed his medication to something that allowed him to be more "normal".
He said every time he tried to talk to her and make his amends the calls consisted of her screaming, yelling, telling him he was a horrible person, she does not forgive him, etc. When he would hang up, his sponsor would ask him how he felt and he would tell him the truth -more angry than before. He said his sponsor told him he can't move on in the process until he lets go of his anger toward her. How is someone supposed to feel when someone treats them like that?
I feel that is an unfair expectation. You can't reason with someone like that and I also feel like you can't make someone forgive you. I never met this sponsor so I'm not sure if this is what he actually said to my husband or this is his perception of how that particular step works. This is the reason he has been avoiding AA. He said he does not feel like he should have to apologize to her anymore than he already has. I think this is a stupid reason for him to avoid AA. I feel like there has to be a work around for dealing with psychos AND they haven't been married in almost 15 years. Is it reasonable to say he shouldn't have anything to apologize to her for now?
Is that how it works? He has to let go of his anger toward her before he can move on?