Whodathunk

I don't blame things that happened to me as a child and adolescent on my alcoholism, but it seems that there does seem to be a pattern of alcoholics and abusers of anything (drugs, food, weight loss, body issues, working out) having trauma in their early childhood or adolescent years.

Yet, there are not websites for "people who have no issues (alcoholism, drugs......)" that could touch on what those non obsessive compulsive people had going on in their childhood, leaving us to guess that lack of trauma in childhood might lead to more stable lives as adults (but who knows).......

So....this post is to see if you had trauma in childhood and what it was, and do you see that trauma or abuse as being a cause or contributor to your alcoholism?

I was sexually abused by a live in nanny (female) from the age of 7-14, with my mothers awareness and knowledge, and probably my dad's as well. It might have been a generational thing where in the 60's and 70's this was just common, or it was not something that was of concern to parents or society, or a blind eye was simply turned to the actions happening to children.

I was not physically abused by my parents but was groomed by my dad to work for him and his company when I would 'come of age' and that I could trust no one else and no companies for employment when that day came. He was a 'do as I say not as I do' role model. I was not encouraged to make good grades and the only thing that was important to him was to not embarrass him by saying the wrong things, dressing inappropriately, and that physical appearance and faking a positive frame of mine (always being optimistic and chipper) was of utmost importance. In essence I was raised to rely on him 100% in every way and groomed to trust no one, and that was just the way it was.

To touch briefly on our childhood, as children we don't know what we don't know, and we only know what we know, and what our environment tells us, and in most cases (IMO) our home and primary caregivers (including nanny's or others who took on the role of mothering or fathering us) are responsible for how we are wired.

As we become adults we either know no better, or at some point we reach a crossroads and realize that things happened that were "not normal" and we either then work on resolving those issues, or we maintain our raised beliefs of what we learned.

Having done a lot of therapy and reading and work on myself, it is my opinion that trauma and abuse greatly directs how we will emerge as adults, but that we have the control to change and correct the wrongs that were done to us as children. Again, the people who did us wrong may not have realized they were doing anything wrong, but this does not change how we were/are affected, nor does it mean we can't change our lives for the better.

It took a long time for me to finally "forgive" my abuser. She was a 14 or 15 year old "GIRL" removed from her family in Mexico to come work and live for our family, to become my dad's replacement wife in every respect. In her defense, she very well might have been abused as a child, since before becoming an adult her parents allowed her to be removed from her home to make money to send back to the family. This may have been normal in her society, but it is not normal for a child or adolescent to have this happen to them. So, if her parents thought this was a good idea for her, I would imagine she had little protection as a young girl in her societal surroundings. As to why sexually abusing me was a good idea for her, well, I have several ideas that give her the benefit of doubt, and I will just leave it at that.

But my mom does not get a pass, since I distinctly recall twice during those years telling her what was happening, in my own childlike way, and was met with a lost glaze and non response. When the abuse did not stop, I assumed it was 'okay' since mom knew about it. In reality, my mom did not want to risk (imo) losing her maid, her child care person, and her replacement wife which allowed her to go on and do whatever she pleased with no responsibilities at home to take care of.

As an adult, I did bring this up with my mom, after my dad passed, and was simply told that I should get therapy for my issues. She would not acknowledge that she had knowledge or remembered me telling her as a child that this was happening to me, yet she would not deny it either. I gave her multiple opportunities and she took the 'non responsible' path of neither acknowledgment nor denying what I went through.

My older sister would confirm that she knew it was going on, and that when it ended with me (I stopped it at 14), she took up the same thing with my younger brother who turned 7 when I turned 14 - kind of ironic).

So, those were the major "things" I needed help to get over. I was not aware of the nanny abuse till I was in my early forties, and life had finally quieted down for me, and one day having the same memories of those years, my brain stopped me and allowed me to question what happened, when it happened, and I realized how old I was, then picked up a book out of the clear and blue called "The Drama of the Gifted Child" which said that if a child experienced trauma or abuse of ANY kind, not just sexual abuse, but ANY trauma or abuse, that unless they seeked help and worked through those times and issues, that they would forever be stuck and could not grow past their stuck place in life.

That of course is debatable, but I personally believed it, especially since I would later accept and acknowledge all of my obsessions and compulsions including my binge drinking. Maybe I needed to believe this in order to make sense of my childhood. Maybe I just turned out how I turned out. Maybe I was born to be an alcoholic. BUT, maybe my childhood path helped steer me into the path of my crazy and dangerous compulsions and abuses. Regardless of my guesses, several very good shrinks were of equal opinions that yes, sexual and emotion abuse as a child help shape us and affect how we are as adults. Some people are affected less, some more, some in between.

Of course, the other possibility is that I would have ended up on my path and who I am today if I had not had any abuse of any kind, had loving and kind parents who were like "The Leave it to Beaver" family. But there seems to be too much research now that ties childhood abuse and trauma into excessive behaviors that we take on as adults.

Again, maybe not. But this is my post, and I am wondering how many other alcoholics in this forum had traumatic events in their childhood, or, did you just end up drinking to excess in spite of a rather normal trauma abuse free childhood?

Of course, trauma and abuse are relative to each of us, so that throws a little wrench into things, but I think you get my point.

Thank you.