MNL - I don't know what's going on with you, but if you want help - ask for it. It doesn't have to be us, but something is going on with you and there are a lot of people out there who want you to find healing. Whatever is going on, you can be well again.
First things first. Stop drinking. Then do the next right thing, whether it's posting here, going to a meeting, talking to a sober friend, getting into rehab - whatever it takes. This addiction wants to kill you.
Take back your life.