I just finished a book called "The Road Back to Me: Healing and Recovering from Co-Dependency, Addiction, Enabling, and Low Self Esteem"
You might get something from it. The author has similar childhood experiences as you.
I listen to books but it is on Amazon also. Author is Lisa A. Romano.
Summary from Amazon:
I was in my early thirties when I was told by a therapist that I was codependent and that my codependency was the result of being raised by two unrecovered adult children of alcoholics. At the time I was suffering from panic disorder, clinical depression, adult onset asthma and various other heath issues. Fearing I might die from some chronic disease, I enlisted the help of a therapist to help me sort out what might be the cause of all of my unease. When my therapist told me that all of my problems were related to being codependent I was confused. My parents didn't drink, nor did my husband and I.
On the road to recovery I discovered the truth. As a child I felt invisible and as if I did not belong. The oldest of three children, I often suffered the crippling alienation of triangulation. Raised in a home with a white picket fence, it was impossible for me to know why I felt so disconnected. My feelings were irrelevant. My tears went ignored. My pain was ridiculed and my heart was consistently tossed to the side. As a child I could never have known I was being groomed to become a people pleasing codependent, who would one day discover she had married her mother's energetic twin.
The Road Back To Me chronicles the innocuous chains of events that lead to the creation of my codependent mindset. Codependency is the result of abuse, and neglect. Children are supposed to feel seen, heard, wanted, validated, and approved of. When innocent children are treated as if they are invisible, their hearts break and their psyches presume they--the being are unworthy of love. The way a child perceives how their parents perceive them becomes the basis for how that child perceives him or her Self. Because my mother and I were unable to bond, the disconnect between us filled me with the sense that I was unworthy of her love. I presumed that I, me, the inner being that I was, was the reason for the disconnect. As a result I attracted narcissists and controlling people into my life who were unable to connect to others authentically. I could never have known that in doing so I was simply living out my childhood programming.
This book has been created out of love. Understanding the dynamics that created my codependent, insecure mindset set me free. Today I am living a new life, that truly gets better and better each day. I have discovered how to love my Self, in spite of being programmed to believe I was selfish, too sensitive, and unworthy. As a Life Coach and speaker, I now coach and mentor others on their roads to emotional freedom. The only way out of the web codependency can be, is through it. One must understand how and why their mind became brainwashed in the first place, so they can go back and reprogram their understanding of Self.
I have written this book with as much clarity and authenticity as possible. I have been told that my recollections have helped trigger the childhood memories of readers. Very often when you have been ignored in childhood, you block out many of your most painful moments. Because many of us have been forced to live in states of survival, our psyches had no choice but to shunt the terror to some far place deep in our subconscious mind. Along with those moments went the emotions tied to the experiences. I have discovered that it is essential to experience the experiences we were not permitted to experience when we were children in order to bridge the divides between our hearts and our minds. The mind must be taught that the heart of that being matters. One way to accomplish this is to allow the mind to acknowledge the experiences that have been locked inside the heart.
It is my hope that this book helps your mind, allow the spirit of your heart to finally feel seen.
To all of the wounded souls out there who have lived their lives seeking a sense of worthiness outside of themselves, this book is for you. In it please find a little piece of yourself."