Is it really this simple??

Old 07-14-2016, 05:14 PM
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Is it really this simple??

As many of you know my issues began long before I met my stbxah and started in childhood.

During one of my last sessions with my counsellor we were talking about my childhood, As you know my mum walked out regularly, just like stbxah and my dad worked long hours and rarely at home, he had a dangerous job and I worried about him, nothing I did was ever good enough for them. My mum told me once that I should never have been born that if my dad had of had his vasectomy and that she never wanted girls, pretty powerful messages!!!! As a child I developed severe anxiety or told my mum things I did wrong when I hadn't because if I thought I'd done something then I'd become so anxious and tell her, this was the only time my mum showed me any affection or what I perceived to be affection. As a teenager I became a nightmare, But hey I got attention from her, funny though I did this with my stbxah when I had a breakdow many years ago, I became so anxious after we got back together the first time that he would leave again. Maybe I was trying to complete a self fulfilling prophecy that everybody leaves?

Anyway she said to me that I view men as being more important than myself, that growing up nothing I did was ever enough for either of my parents that my brothers were more important so I grew up feeling that I wasn't enough, enough for my mum to stay, enough for my dad to be proud of me and my achievements or enough for either parent to show me any love or affection, despite my attempts at doing so.

Is it really as simple as these feelings became my core belief about myself so I set out as an adult to prove I was good enough.......In walks stbxah, oh there were others before him, I think all my boyfriends had issues.

But with him I don't know what happened why I became so determined to fix him, just to prove I was good enough?? If he didn't leave I was enough, if he stopped drinking I was enough, I was lovable.

Maybe it's because I married him and growing up in. A household with a very unhealthy marriage between my parents made me belief that no matter what you stick it out??

I have spent my whole life trying to be someone who will make those around me love me, go out of my way to change plans to suit males in my life, do things I don't feel comfortable with so I will be accepted, they will want to be with me, see me again etc and if I fear they are going to leave me I become so anxious and obsessive trying to figure out what I've done wrong how can I fix it, what can I do so they won't leave, and on and on the cycle goes.

So after the long rambling post again, is it really this simple is this why I don't believe in myself and why I keep making the same mistakes am I seeking others approval to prove my parents wrong and prove to myself I am good enough I am lovable? wny are my own achievements not enough for me??
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Old 07-14-2016, 05:17 PM
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yes
that simple
and that complex
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Old 07-14-2016, 05:27 PM
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I've been thinking this through for a while, well more obsessing but I keep thinking there. Has to be more to it. And yes anvil your right it may be simple but it's also so complex
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Old 07-14-2016, 05:38 PM
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I think you are probably onto something, there. Many psychologists believe we bring other people into our lives hoping to have a "re-do" to heal wounds from childhood. I don't know that that explains every problem people have in relationships, but it intuitively makes sense in many situations.

It really MIGHT be that simple, but just as self-knowledge doesn't "fix" alcoholism, having that knowledge won't, in and of itself, fix your problems. Still, it gives you and your therapist something to work from.

I really admire the hard work you are putting into this--you'll get where you want to be eventually, I have no doubt!
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Old 07-14-2016, 05:43 PM
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Thanks Lexie, I've had to stop seeing my counsellor due to financial issues, but now Im beginning to understand I need to seriously look at my triggers my behaviours but most importantly find myself
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Old 07-14-2016, 06:02 PM
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I had a very crappy childhood too with a mom that really made me feel like a giant burden on her. I felt like I had no voice growing up for fear of my mothers wrath. I did everything I could to stay under her radar and keep the peace. As an adult, I was never able to really assert my own feelings or boundaries or felt comfortable asking for really anything. Any attention I received I clung to and wasn't even quite sure what to do with. I believe what happens is that as children growing up in these dysfunctional situations we develop ways to adapt/cope into our surroundings and this way of life becomes so very ingrained into our thought and behavior processes that it is as second nature and involuntary to us as breathing is.

As children we are taught where we fit in in this life and how to act. Breaking away from those patterns, no matter how unhealthy, takes a LOT of internal work and self awareness.
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Old 07-14-2016, 06:11 PM
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butterfly,
All the things you speak about are textbook ACA, adult child of
alcoholics. It is a 12 step program, similar to other 12 steps. You
can check out the website, and read "the laundry list" , the problem,
and the solution. This program is for children who grew up in
alcoholic homes, or homes that were dysfunctional due to many
reasons, mental illness, drug abuse, etc. Please check it out, it
could be very life-changing for you.
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Old 07-14-2016, 07:08 PM
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We have a forum for Adult Children of Alchohlics (ACoA) right "next door"

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Mike
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Old 07-14-2016, 07:37 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
yes
that simple
and that complex
I was going to say that simple, but not always easy to understand the far reaching impact.
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Old 07-14-2016, 09:11 PM
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Hey Butterfly, I don't know if it is that simple but even if it is healing takes time and attention.

Hmmm . . . at least for me it seems to take a lot of sitting with the pain and realizing that everyone involved did the best they could with what they had and quite a bit of the time the best people could do really wasn't very good. I include myself in that category.

I'm kinda rambling here so I'll end with a big hug and hope you find some toe holds in this climb towards a healthier you.
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Old 07-15-2016, 09:13 AM
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I just finished a book called "The Road Back to Me: Healing and Recovering from Co-Dependency, Addiction, Enabling, and Low Self Esteem"

You might get something from it. The author has similar childhood experiences as you.

I listen to books but it is on Amazon also. Author is Lisa A. Romano.

Summary from Amazon:
I was in my early thirties when I was told by a therapist that I was codependent and that my codependency was the result of being raised by two unrecovered adult children of alcoholics. At the time I was suffering from panic disorder, clinical depression, adult onset asthma and various other heath issues. Fearing I might die from some chronic disease, I enlisted the help of a therapist to help me sort out what might be the cause of all of my unease. When my therapist told me that all of my problems were related to being codependent I was confused. My parents didn't drink, nor did my husband and I.

On the road to recovery I discovered the truth. As a child I felt invisible and as if I did not belong. The oldest of three children, I often suffered the crippling alienation of triangulation. Raised in a home with a white picket fence, it was impossible for me to know why I felt so disconnected. My feelings were irrelevant. My tears went ignored. My pain was ridiculed and my heart was consistently tossed to the side. As a child I could never have known I was being groomed to become a people pleasing codependent, who would one day discover she had married her mother's energetic twin.

The Road Back To Me chronicles the innocuous chains of events that lead to the creation of my codependent mindset. Codependency is the result of abuse, and neglect. Children are supposed to feel seen, heard, wanted, validated, and approved of. When innocent children are treated as if they are invisible, their hearts break and their psyches presume they--the being are unworthy of love. The way a child perceives how their parents perceive them becomes the basis for how that child perceives him or her Self. Because my mother and I were unable to bond, the disconnect between us filled me with the sense that I was unworthy of her love. I presumed that I, me, the inner being that I was, was the reason for the disconnect. As a result I attracted narcissists and controlling people into my life who were unable to connect to others authentically. I could never have known that in doing so I was simply living out my childhood programming.

This book has been created out of love. Understanding the dynamics that created my codependent, insecure mindset set me free. Today I am living a new life, that truly gets better and better each day. I have discovered how to love my Self, in spite of being programmed to believe I was selfish, too sensitive, and unworthy. As a Life Coach and speaker, I now coach and mentor others on their roads to emotional freedom. The only way out of the web codependency can be, is through it. One must understand how and why their mind became brainwashed in the first place, so they can go back and reprogram their understanding of Self.

I have written this book with as much clarity and authenticity as possible. I have been told that my recollections have helped trigger the childhood memories of readers. Very often when you have been ignored in childhood, you block out many of your most painful moments. Because many of us have been forced to live in states of survival, our psyches had no choice but to shunt the terror to some far place deep in our subconscious mind. Along with those moments went the emotions tied to the experiences. I have discovered that it is essential to experience the experiences we were not permitted to experience when we were children in order to bridge the divides between our hearts and our minds. The mind must be taught that the heart of that being matters. One way to accomplish this is to allow the mind to acknowledge the experiences that have been locked inside the heart.

It is my hope that this book helps your mind, allow the spirit of your heart to finally feel seen.

To all of the wounded souls out there who have lived their lives seeking a sense of worthiness outside of themselves, this book is for you. In it please find a little piece of yourself."
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Old 07-15-2016, 09:29 AM
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My heart ached a little when I read your post...
It's an awful thing when we somehow are unequipped to love and champion ourselves and instead, look for it in another. When deep down we don't value ourselves, how can we soothe and make our own selves feel better?
A friend of mine said something to me recently. She said "there is a big difference between self worth and self confidence". You might have the latter in spades..but you really don't feel you have any worth.
Wow...it almost knocked me off my chair. Yes, I can project confidence but my worth?? Ya...that's a bigger, harder deal.

I came on this forum today because I recently got myself mixed up with another broken, alcoholic, needy, clingy, insecure individual who was bending over backwards to please me...until I wasn't there for him when he cut his finger. I didn't answer the phone...
So he went and slept with his ex-gf.
I have my own alcohol issues...which is how we hooked up in the first place.

The thing is Butterfly..who ever you are latching onto for your own self worth is likely some sort of mirror reflection...another broken soul..who will only validate your LACK of self worth.
More times than not...we end up with what's familiar..not with what's good for us.

Yesterday I decided to sober up and fly right and try to get my own self back together. I am tired of hurting myself in relationships over and over and over again..... it's a pattern. Drinking or sober I've done it.

It hurts. And I have no idea how to heal other than doing everything I can for ...myself. I am trying...once again...to be my own best friend. I went to the gym. I ate good healthy food yesterday. I watched a "chick flick" last night. I called some girlfriends. I bought Coke Zero instead of wine....

Admire and spread your own wings today Butterfly. I'm in your corner.
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Old 07-15-2016, 09:46 AM
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Butterfly,

Conquering Codependency and Shame probably helped me more than any other books. It really broke down the roots of Codependency and made them easy for me to understand.

Also, there is a lot of information out there on Schemas of codependency. It splits it into a lot of categories (many of us have different umm...symptoms) and then goes even further into where each 'symptom' can come from.

So yeah - like Anvil said

THAT simple
and THAT complex.

(((HUGS))) I burned myself out a little on reading about the background, but it also helped me SO MUCH.
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Old 07-15-2016, 11:28 AM
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Tight hugs friend.
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Old 07-15-2016, 03:42 PM
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Thank you every one for your kind comments, I don't feel I can access the adult children forum as my parents weren't alcoholics just dysfunctional!!

Lyssey I will definitely look into that book thank you

Firebolt can you recommend any books about schemes of codependency?
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Old 07-15-2016, 03:59 PM
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Gentle reminder- it is for children of dysfunctional parents too.
If 10 minutes on the site dont speak to you, you'll know
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Old 07-15-2016, 06:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
Thank you every one for your kind comments,... I can access the adult children forum as my parents weren't alcoholics just dysfunctional!! ...
That is actually a problem on _our_ side. You see, when we started ACoA in the early 80's all we knew about was that _alcohol_ made a mess of our lives. This was long before the _concept_ of dysfunction even existed. We've made a lot of progress since then.

We've tried, many times, to change the name of the organization. But if we did then it would end up like "Adult Children of Alcoholics, Druggies, Gamblers, Sex Addicts, Rage-aholics, Abusers, Sociopaths, etc. etc." Which would be no help at all.

If you look at the home page for ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) it says "Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics®/Dysfunctional Families".

We also changed the title of the ACoA book to "ACA Fellowship Text", and then on the bottom of the book cover it reads "Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families".

So, yes, you are most welcome to come browse the ACA forum, the ACA website, and any of our resources. You don't have to contribute, or join, or anything like that. Just browse around a little bit and see if anything there is of use to you.

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Old 07-16-2016, 02:42 AM
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This thread directed me to look at the ACoA forum. No, my parents were not alcoholics, but both of my mom's parents were. My parents didn't drink, but the dysfunction carried over into how I was raised.

Thank you for the suggestion of the other forum... I have spent the last few hours reading there. Very, very thankful...
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Old 07-16-2016, 04:01 AM
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I think most things in life are pretty simple in explanation Butterfly. We either dismiss it because its too "easy"(it MUST be more complicated!), or we refuse to search for an answer.

I think its very obvious the weight of how others value you, is how you value yourself. If you don't value yourself, then others won't either, Catch 22.
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Old 07-16-2016, 04:56 AM
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Some may think that ACofA is a place to "blame" your parents for
everything that's wrong in your life -not true at all. It is where you
discover the origins of beliefs that hold you back & keep you
in a place of confusion & suffering. If you sincerely wish to give
yourself the tremendous gift of personal growth & discovery, the
understanding and clarity it reveals can be like the holy grail.

Like caretaker88 is finding out about the generational
carryover of dysfunctional families.
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