Regarding Amends.
Here is what I was taught.
When I make an amends I am NOT apologizing for acting stupid when I was drunk. That is an excuse for my behavior. I am apologizing for the self centered, selfish nature of my behavior in the past. For example, I visited an aunt and uncle's beach house a few years ago with a few friends. I was invited. I showed up with 3 friends. We all sat around playing cards after dinner and got drunk. I got totally wasted drunk, started talking raunchy in front of my 60 year old aunt and uncle (cracking dirty jokes), and then the next morning we all packed up and went home.
My amends was to bring a gift to my aunt and uncle. I sat them down and apologized for my selfishness and said something along these lines "You've always been so good to me. You've always taken care to make me feel included and welcome at your house. I took advantage of you. I should not have shown up with a gaggle of guests. I acted irresponsibly. I was loud and crude and my behavior was unacceptable. I was so caught up in myself that I could not see how my behavior affected others. I regret that I was not able to simply come down to the cottage and spend quality time with you and appreciate all the love you have for me. My selfish, self centered ways were a part of who I was. I don't want to be that way anymore. None of it had to do with you." Then I ask if there was anything they (the person to whom I am making an amends) has to add. Most of the time they say no. This time, however, was very healing. My aunt said she was so proud of me and so happy to see me get well. Then she got quiet and said "One thing I want to add, I hope and pray to God that you never have to lie awake at night worrying about someone the way I worried about you. Your Mom made me promise to look after you and every night I laid awake worrying you would wrap your car around a tree or fall down the stairs and hit your head.." At this point we were both hugging and sobbing.
See, the amends was for my selfish behavior. When I decided to make my amends I was amending my selfish behavior...which related to acting irresponsible and crude when drunk. I never IMAGINED that my behavior caused my loved ones so much angst! I mean, I thought that they were angry with me for being a loud, obnoxious drunk! I never dreamed my aunt laid awake crying and worrying about my demise. By being willing to see my part in things I was able to repair a loving relationship with my Aunt.
Amends are not to be feared. Amends are wonderful!!