I absolutely understand!
I wish I could just see my X and be indifferent like he is a stranger, alas, that has not happened yet. However, as long as progress is being made, I consider it a success. I still have fear of him, and when he is combative, it gives me fears and anxiety. However, that is affecting me less and less, and that is all I can ask for from myself.
I figure we were together for years, so it won't go away like magic just b/c some time has passed. I am ok with that, as long as it keeps getting better, and as long as I can control my own reactions in a healthy way.
firebolt....you are doing awesome my friend!