Triggering weekend
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Triggering weekend
Wholly triggers this weekend, but made it through - with no crazy spiral for the most part - just felt it and let it go. And this is progress for me. Man, when I feel bad, or all spiraly, it can linger for days!
At the 4th bbq, there was a guy sitting by the fire, a very nice, funny guy - naturally - sipping of a straight up bottle of cheap vodka. XABFS cheap vodka. I shuddered - literally, and stayed far away the rest of the night.
Friday I played pool and watched my friend's BF get so drunk he could hardly walk. She got colder and angrier as the night went on. Dang - they reminded me of me and the X a year ago. It made me sick to my stomach.
Sunday night I saw XABF in traffic again - in not his usual vehicle. I was driving along, saw a big jacked up pretty new truck at a stoplight, was giving it a once over - wheels, grill - all that
Then looked up to the drivers seat and it was XABF - staring at me with somewhere between no expression and a scowl - he was red, and puffy, and had a glimmer of the scary reptilian look I can't seem to forget from his 'bad' nights....and he would NOT look away. When I realized it was him, I turned away and looked straight forward, and as i was turning the corner right next to him, his head and eyes followed me with the same 'no one is home' angry expression all the way til I was passed him. I don't know if he was trying to intimidate me, if he thought I was staring at him first, or if he was just stunned and couldn't help it - car wreck style staring. It doesn't matter.
THAT affected me. My heart stopped for a second, my legs went numb, and it brought back our last blow up - where he followed me all over the house yelling like a madman about things I had done 'wrong' years ago, and how I better not do them again. Screaming at the top of his lungs that it was going to be HIS WAY OR NO WAY.
I had a really hard time shaking it off and decided that I must need to feel that again that day. So i did. I called a friend and talked about it for a minute. I went on a walk. I went fishing with a friend. The dread, shame, and fear eventually passed and I could just be with the fact that
I romanticized who he was. Big. Time.
I tried really really hard for something that was not worthwhile to me or a happy future.
It is so weird to be completely creeped out by someone you used to sleep with, live with, were so deeply in love with, and not so long ago, would have moved heaven and earth for.
That's not my life anymore and I am moving forward.
I don't like triggers and it's been a while, and yep, things still trigger me. It's good to know that all the times people told me that bad feelings are temporary - they were right. And the further I get in my recovery, temporary actually means shorter and shorter periods of time - super grateful for that!
Partners and X partners of A's - love to you all, we deserve combat pay. <3 Thanks for listening.
At the 4th bbq, there was a guy sitting by the fire, a very nice, funny guy - naturally - sipping of a straight up bottle of cheap vodka. XABFS cheap vodka. I shuddered - literally, and stayed far away the rest of the night.
Friday I played pool and watched my friend's BF get so drunk he could hardly walk. She got colder and angrier as the night went on. Dang - they reminded me of me and the X a year ago. It made me sick to my stomach.
Sunday night I saw XABF in traffic again - in not his usual vehicle. I was driving along, saw a big jacked up pretty new truck at a stoplight, was giving it a once over - wheels, grill - all that
Then looked up to the drivers seat and it was XABF - staring at me with somewhere between no expression and a scowl - he was red, and puffy, and had a glimmer of the scary reptilian look I can't seem to forget from his 'bad' nights....and he would NOT look away. When I realized it was him, I turned away and looked straight forward, and as i was turning the corner right next to him, his head and eyes followed me with the same 'no one is home' angry expression all the way til I was passed him. I don't know if he was trying to intimidate me, if he thought I was staring at him first, or if he was just stunned and couldn't help it - car wreck style staring. It doesn't matter.THAT affected me. My heart stopped for a second, my legs went numb, and it brought back our last blow up - where he followed me all over the house yelling like a madman about things I had done 'wrong' years ago, and how I better not do them again. Screaming at the top of his lungs that it was going to be HIS WAY OR NO WAY.
I had a really hard time shaking it off and decided that I must need to feel that again that day. So i did. I called a friend and talked about it for a minute. I went on a walk. I went fishing with a friend. The dread, shame, and fear eventually passed and I could just be with the fact that
I romanticized who he was. Big. Time.
I tried really really hard for something that was not worthwhile to me or a happy future.
It is so weird to be completely creeped out by someone you used to sleep with, live with, were so deeply in love with, and not so long ago, would have moved heaven and earth for.
That's not my life anymore and I am moving forward.
I don't like triggers and it's been a while, and yep, things still trigger me. It's good to know that all the times people told me that bad feelings are temporary - they were right. And the further I get in my recovery, temporary actually means shorter and shorter periods of time - super grateful for that!
Partners and X partners of A's - love to you all, we deserve combat pay. <3 Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Wow, thank you for sharing. That must have been hard. I know what you mean about a trigger sending you spiraling for days. It takes you away and you don't realize it's happening. It's an inspiration that you recognized it and turned it around. Staying present is very difficult. I don't know about you but I have a tendency to dissociate which is why it happens in the first place. At that point you are on autopilot!
It's stark to see, who you felt he was and who he actually is coming together. I understand the feelings of creepiness, and I have told a friend that it's like I was sleeping with the enemy. It's very unsettling to accept that I had put myself in that situation, willingly. And that a few months ago I would have done ANYTHING to do it again!
I think the triggers are so disturbing as time goes on because it's no longer part of our "normal". It's a big difference from how we now usually feel. It's amazing to realize... that WAS our normal. We were constantly being triggered over and over... the stress that we went through was enormous .
No wonder we can develop anxiety or substance abuse problems of our own (or dissociate)... we really are in battle
It's stark to see, who you felt he was and who he actually is coming together. I understand the feelings of creepiness, and I have told a friend that it's like I was sleeping with the enemy. It's very unsettling to accept that I had put myself in that situation, willingly. And that a few months ago I would have done ANYTHING to do it again!
I think the triggers are so disturbing as time goes on because it's no longer part of our "normal". It's a big difference from how we now usually feel. It's amazing to realize... that WAS our normal. We were constantly being triggered over and over... the stress that we went through was enormous .
No wonder we can develop anxiety or substance abuse problems of our own (or dissociate)... we really are in battle
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Thanks guys - yeah, SO MANY feelings - shock, repulsion, shame, anger, fear all in a tornado - no wonder we spiral! And the ultimate realization that it was all self inflicted...and then the pride that goes with changing it and emerging healthier.
RIGHT!! I hope one day my reaction won't come from my whole body. I'd prefer a small wince maybe, then on with my day....rather than the small stroke, followed by the need to shower, and some nausea, and spiraling thoughts!
I think the triggers are so disturbing as time goes on because it's no longer part of our "normal". It's a big difference from how we now usually feel. It's amazing to realize... that WAS our normal. We were constantly being triggered over and over... the stress that we went through was enormous .No wonder we can develop anxiety or substance abuse problems of our own (or dissociate)... we really are in battle
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Friend, this is an awesome post!!! Truly inspiratuonal. Too see these things-all of them-and be so self aware...amazing. You are doing so great and are a great exile at recovery. I too second the feeling of "wtf" when seeing someone you loved, were married to (in my case), slept with (makes my skin crawl now), etc. etc. but that's a good sign that you have moved on and are moving forward to a much better future. Hugs!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I find when I see my X (which is a lot, he comes to my DD's ball games), that I go through such different emotions. Sometimes it does not even phase me, sometimes I get mad, other times I feel some pangs of not really missing him, but remembering all the things we did do together. I then have to remember most of those times were really stressful and not to romance what once was. It's getting MUCH better, and I react less each time, which is good for me.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Thank you. It didn't feel like I was dealing with it well for the better part of the next day. All I could think was how much I hated that he could still make me feel so badly. The fear and creepiness especially. I've been out for almost a year and quit 'touching the still hot burner' so to speak for almost 7 months. I want to be oblivious and indifferent and I'm not.
But my inner voice has changed...A LOT. It changed from how can he still make me feel this way to why am I making myself feel this way?! No matter his intent with the stare down. Then the bad feeling ended. We are progressing even when it doesn't feel like we are and that is amazing! None the less, I'd like to know if those triggers ever go away?!
But my inner voice has changed...A LOT. It changed from how can he still make me feel this way to why am I making myself feel this way?! No matter his intent with the stare down. Then the bad feeling ended. We are progressing even when it doesn't feel like we are and that is amazing! None the less, I'd like to know if those triggers ever go away?!
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I absolutely understand!
I wish I could just see my X and be indifferent like he is a stranger, alas, that has not happened yet. However, as long as progress is being made, I consider it a success. I still have fear of him, and when he is combative, it gives me fears and anxiety. However, that is affecting me less and less, and that is all I can ask for from myself.
I figure we were together for years, so it won't go away like magic just b/c some time has passed. I am ok with that, as long as it keeps getting better, and as long as I can control my own reactions in a healthy way.
firebolt....you are doing awesome my friend!
I wish I could just see my X and be indifferent like he is a stranger, alas, that has not happened yet. However, as long as progress is being made, I consider it a success. I still have fear of him, and when he is combative, it gives me fears and anxiety. However, that is affecting me less and less, and that is all I can ask for from myself.
I figure we were together for years, so it won't go away like magic just b/c some time has passed. I am ok with that, as long as it keeps getting better, and as long as I can control my own reactions in a healthy way.
firebolt....you are doing awesome my friend!
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ya know what they say about them jacked up trucks.......
i can only imagine how that whole scenario just took the breath out of you.......it has almost a movie quality to it....Mad Max or something. only creepier.
i'm glad your Weeble only Wobbled!!!
i can only imagine how that whole scenario just took the breath out of you.......it has almost a movie quality to it....Mad Max or something. only creepier.
i'm glad your Weeble only Wobbled!!!
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Originally Posted by firebolt 
Thanks guys - yeah, SO MANY feelings - shock, repulsion, shame, anger, fear all in a tornado - no wonder we spiral! And the ultimate realization that it was all self inflicted...and then the pride that goes with changing it and emerging healthier.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Liveitwell
Friend, this is an awesome post!!! Truly inspiratuonal. Too see these things-all of them-and be so self aware...amazing. You are doing so great and are a great exile at recovery. I too second the feeling of "wtf" when seeing someone you loved, were married to (in my case), slept with (makes my skin crawl now), etc. etc. but that's a good sign that you have moved on and are moving forward to a much better future. Hugs!
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