Aellyce

^This!

Hi sleepie, btw You've got ample thoughtful responses on this thread and on many other threads as well.

Glad that the LD thing has turned out negative. But now, what are you going to do with this information? You know, I am just a bit worried that now that the LD is kinda out of perspective, you may come up with something else to replace it... some other rare "disorder" or combination of issues to potentially explain your hardships in a unique form that cannot be fixed or improved. Then you may dive into that and identify with another problem, or 99 problems... on and on and on. These things become your existence, your identity and if one is proven false or is gone, there are certainly other mysterious conditions to be found and identified with.

You mentioned up-thread that you feel that you never had an "ego"... a sense of self. I would emphasize sense of self because maybe you substitute it with an identity that you feel has been faulty or flawed from start and that no one truly recognizes and appreciates. Have you considered that perhaps much of those stories are not true anymore, and the only way to stop these cycles and cultivate change is to stop telling yourself the old tales, or stop creating new tales still from the same source?

I feel that your creativity is something that is a unique ability and force, but it tortures you just as effectively when you turn it against yourself. It's like you are damming up your own power so everything appears static and without hope... like a spring-fed lake whose own weight dams up the springs that feed it. I have no idea how to liberate that source for you but, reading many of your posts over time, this is what always comes to mind. None of us can be free even after considerable amount of sober and clean time if we do not liberate ourselves or let that happen. I think that you are well on that road already and have been for a good while... just don't see it enough yet probably. But many others who respond to you clearly do