sleepie

And depression and anxiety are all of them.

LD however is not, as my tests have shown.

And I do want to thank those that were very supportive and kind towards my absolute certainty that I had ld. I have had many of the symptoms and even another neuro disorder that often causes it, yet no ld. Really close on one of the tests, but not what I was sure of... So ok, I have a mountain of dysthymia and double depression and also anxiety but I always knew I had anxiety- I am told these things can cause some interference with a person's ability to function in the ways I thought were caused by LD.

I always seem "fine" to the outside world and functioned with a smile on my face for everyone and a broken, crying heart inside my chest. For many, many years. It isn't good to not be able to express your real feelings. It causes more damage. I am quite unhappy at past therapists who were of no help at all. A lot of times they are very invalidating. A person needs to be heard.

I was also thinking on all the horrible things I was told by my very family, my peers and even teachers. That stuff stays with you for life.

fini

well, sleepie,
but is this not good news in the way that depression and anxiety can be quite successfully treated by different methods/ways?
this gives you ways forward which LD might not have.

ScottFromWI

I'd have to agree with fini. Now you know what it is and it's something very treatable. Look forward and not back, a large window of opportunity has just opened for you.

Croutie

So good to see you posting Sleepie.
Hopefully, now that you have a diagnosis, you can find the meds that work for you and ease your depression and anxiety. I'm assuming you're going that route, although I know there are alternative ways to ease anxiety that don't involve meds.. Anyway, best wishes, Sleepie.

sleepie

Well, thing is I have been trying to treat anxiety for decades. Benzos were a godsend, but can't take those anymore. I was thinking a more self directed approach like meditation diet and exercise because I have lost all hope where meds and therapist are concerned. I mean I'm the one who has to do all the work anyway. Although I am alternatively sad and angry that I even have to deal with any of this, as it is all a direct result of a life devoid of childhood, freedom, acceptance, validation or security. Just big gaping craters like the one in my heart because I've been alive but never got to be.

Delfin

Wow, Sleeps. This is good news! I mean, in the sense that you have answers now and can move forward without the extra burden of knowing you have an LD. Not that LD's can't be dealt with but you can focus on the other stuff instead now that you know.

Delfin

Dee74

I think it's good news too and I wish you well in dealing with the other stuff Sleepie

D

sleepie

Basically I need about 20 years worth of validation love and attention that I never got and can't handle that fact or go on knowing it.

That is the insight I shared with a friend earlier today. And I truly feel inconsolable about it.

Dee74

You can't get that stuff retrospectively I'm afraid - but you can do your best to make things right for yourself now and in the future \

D

tomsteve

welp, if its what you NEED, then youre going to be stuck.

you need validation? create it yourself.
you need love? love yourself.
you need attention?
you've gotten a LOT of attention here.


with this attitude,sleepie, youre going to keep continueing to be just as miserable as ya were when you were using.

change your attitude, change your life.

Hawkeye13

My alcoholic mother was unable to give me these things also.

I have learned very slowly that I can give them to myself.
Meditation, diet, yoga, and consciously loving me
are some ways I fill this void.

It is possible to let the past go and to live a good life.
But it is a choice and hard work, as you say.

I don't think about the past much now except if I am sending
forgiveness to my mother, and love to that little me who
hurt so much.

That also helps.

I'm glad to hear you don't have an LD diagnosis to complicate matters.
I believe you can heal and find yourself and peace sleepie.

Dropsie

Sleeps,

I am so happy to hear that you have some certainty now about what you are dealing with.

PM if you want to chat offline.

Loves you.

zjw

I agree with everytghing you've posted and feel its all very well said and i can relate in many ways.

I felt very much alone and very much that i had to do all the work and since I didnt want meds myself and felt therapists would let me down i was stuck trying to figure this rat nest in my head out alone.

I ended up reading many books many that are recomended by therapists anyhow etc..

I agree with some of the others too that since your track record with others consists of abuse etc... a lot of what your looking for will have to come from within somehow.

And it stinks you have to do the heavy lifting like you've been doing.

but with yoru above statement of yo u need 20 years of validation love and attention. I think I can grasp what your saying and understand it. Someone once told me that tehy could tell that i needed lots of positive reinforcement and they where going to continue to give that to me becuase they new that it was what i needed not because they where trying to stroke me along and not because they wanted to give me a fat head or soemthign but because they could tell that i needed it and they wanted to /give/ it.

I think in your case you need that as well. I think its going to take many years of people answering yoru same questions talking you up. being there for you telling you its going be ok for you to get the courage to stick your head out a little bit and go hey wow I think it might be ok. This takes time.

In the 5 years sober time i got i'm doing better with this sort of stuff. but each day I gotta try and build myself back up again. I dunno what it is. I guess people like us where just beaten too far down into submission? Or maybe this is all just part of alcoholism recovery I dunno.

I dunno I think your right and I agree with yoru posts I also think its going to take some time. Already stuffs bubbled up from within you and you've come a long way. In time you'll come even further etc..

This whole ordeal with the LD is a good big step for you. Depression and Anxiety are nasty little demons. I know for me when i think i have depression beat it can easily sneak back up on me. and anxiety just never seems to go away but at least execercise seems to help me there.

davaidavai

Sounds like the 'mind' part of your brain is driving you crazy by taking the feelings as they bubble up, wrestling with them, trying to resolve in some kind of rest point, stop point. It's a defensive scaffold articulating with societal structures. We're all warped by the imperatives of setting up this way toward a posited 'happy.' On the one hand, self assessment functions as a resolve, to set things aside and be done with useless rumination once and for all with one totalizing act of analysis; on the other the withering self assessment creates and establishes contact. But it's all the over grown ego of someone who has experienced misfortune. The dynamic is exacerbated by tragedy and suffering. It's like a warped act of trying to be complete, where completion is intuited on a deeper level. Hence criminality. Hence shamans.

Our dreams in this society are our lamps; our inner voice is the fire, the mind is just like someone in an art gallery, along for the ride. Let the inner stranger feel the feelings and allow the mind to observe rather than stealing the reins and making everything about trying to find stasis, the ultimate assessment.

We're a society of people hell bent on destroying our own souls I think, living in a perpetual smile, living a half life, and there isn't much of an awareness of psycho dynamics, the interplay between the subconscious person and the know-it-all interpretive one who is essentially run riot in our world.

sleepie

I haven't the energy or wherewithal for any high minded fancy talk today davai I am worn out and finished. I have to disagree though, being raised by a serious nut job never allowed me to have any ego at all. None. Zero. Like I said, I never got to be. Anyway I shouldn't have to become the dalai llama and maintain a perfect diet just so I can cope with my past abuses and the fact that I am damaged as a direct result of horrid behavior from others and seeing the worst side of people for many years. I am ready to turn my back on it all. I tried my best for decades and I am tired plain and simple.

davaidavai

Haha ok. But everyone has an ego.

Another holiday weekend totally alone.

My mind tells me im an unattractive turd, a congenital fool, an idiot, a repulsive, inarticulate sub human. There is ample evidence based on a lifetime of loneliness.

But my mind is like a cheap local newsman, part and parcel of the situation im in, so im listening to that other part of myself. Only the other part knows the way out, the way back.

Dropsie

Dave and Sleeps,

Thinking of you both with love.

sleepie

I am alienated and broken because of everything and also dead inside.

davaidavai

Im a friendless tramp apparently no one really wants to be around. People are such a bunch of insecure, small minded, superficial heartless, hedonistic little job proud pigs.

zjw

yeah sleepie i had whatever bigheaded ego possible beaten right the heck out of me and smashed out of existence. But I still got an ego. I still gotta get over myself constantly. I dont have the kind of ego where my head wont fit through a door way. I just got my own BS to contend with. I agree with davai we all got an ego in some shape or form. Some of our egos tell us we are no good or we cant or we are crap. some have egos that have them feeling like they can walk on water still the same thing.

Its probably hard for a female to detach from emotions and view things like thoughts and emotions as just passing clouds in the sky. But it has taken thisl evel of detatchment for me to not be eaten alive by my own mind.

Keep in mind your mind just loves to take you on a detour and pull you around by the nose. Its ok to sit around and watch and not get on the crazy train with it.

I read in a book guy said you can sit on the park bench watch live go by look over at your pile of problems smile at them and just keep watching.

Be the watcher of your life not the angry dictator etc... it gets easier if you do that.

Someitmes I try to imagine myself as the fly on the wall just watching my life as if it where a movie of sorts. Its much easier from that perspective.