I went around that "Have to, GOT TO, I REALLLYY HAVE TO!!!" merry go round for years, too.
What changed it for me finally was switching to "I WANT TO".
At first, I had to fake it. I had to catch myself saying "I HAVE TO" and consciously correct myself "I WANT to have sobriety".
I had to work at it.
I had to find heroes to look up to.... famous people and real people in my life I could remind myself of "I want to be like them!!".
I had to counter all the messages from my own mind and society telling me how cool and important is was to drink - with clear pictures of a different path THAT I WANTED.
Even when my heart wasn't in it - I focused on WANT TO instead of HAVE TO.
It took some time, but gradually this helped.....
And then, bit by bit.... it wasn't work anymore. Because I really DID WANT TO.
And once I had shifted into "I WANT TO" - I never had to be weighed down by the shame and disappointment and futility of another failed "I HAVE TO" again.
I've never been particularly good at accepting "Have to".
The only things I really ever did well in life were the things that I determined I WANT TO.
Keep at it.
