I just need to write.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Southwest
Posts: 3
I just need to write.
Starting this tonight. May be on here all day tomorrow. Today I wasted 7 hours drinking. Tonight, EVERY night I do this, I think "I gotta stop, I'm gonna stop, I feel like crap, I'm killing myself, and what a f***ing waste of my time and my life!"
Next day, usually afternoon: Ah, well, I feel pretty ok, I got all my chores (work, whatever) done, I'll relax with a drink, I'll just keep things under control. Next thing I know I'm dragging my butt to bed, and the cycle continues. I am so miserable! It is amazing to me that I can be consciously aware of my own self-destruction, yet continue on. And on. And on. I need help with that moment of the day where I begin this routine. This routine also involves smoking. It is a nice drink and smoke on the patio, reading or doing dumb stuff on my phone. The worst part that I don't even want to admit is my daughter is home with me as I do this every night. She is 17, so able to fend for herself, and generally on her computer or chatting with friends, but I am so ashamed at what she witnesses as me being her mom and being useless on the patio every night. I have wasted YEARS here. Years!!! People die of uncontrollable circumstances all the time, but I'm creating my own easier path to death, a healthy body and mind going to waste because of this stupid addiction. And I have to stop.
Next day, usually afternoon: Ah, well, I feel pretty ok, I got all my chores (work, whatever) done, I'll relax with a drink, I'll just keep things under control. Next thing I know I'm dragging my butt to bed, and the cycle continues. I am so miserable! It is amazing to me that I can be consciously aware of my own self-destruction, yet continue on. And on. And on. I need help with that moment of the day where I begin this routine. This routine also involves smoking. It is a nice drink and smoke on the patio, reading or doing dumb stuff on my phone. The worst part that I don't even want to admit is my daughter is home with me as I do this every night. She is 17, so able to fend for herself, and generally on her computer or chatting with friends, but I am so ashamed at what she witnesses as me being her mom and being useless on the patio every night. I have wasted YEARS here. Years!!! People die of uncontrollable circumstances all the time, but I'm creating my own easier path to death, a healthy body and mind going to waste because of this stupid addiction. And I have to stop.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by Sarah74 
Starting this tonight. May be on here all day tomorrow. Today I wasted 7 hours drinking. Tonight, EVERY night I do this, I think "I gotta stop, I'm gonna stop, I feel like crap, I'm killing myself, and what a f***ing waste of my time and my life!"
Next day, usually afternoon: Ah, well, I feel pretty ok, I got all my chores (work, whatever) done, I'll relax with a drink, I'll just keep things under control. Next thing I know I'm dragging my butt to bed, and the cycle continues. I am so miserable! It is amazing to me that I can be consciously aware of my own self-destruction, yet continue on. And on. And on. I need help with that moment of the day where I begin this routine. This routine also involves smoking. It is a nice drink and smoke on the patio, reading or doing dumb stuff on my phone. The worst part that I don't even want to admit is my daughter is home with me as I do this every night. She is 17, so able to fend for herself, and generally on her computer or chatting with friends, but I am so ashamed at what she witnesses as me being her mom and being useless on the patio every night. I have wasted YEARS here. Years!!! People die of uncontrollable circumstances all the time, but I'm creating my own easier path to death, a healthy body and mind going to waste because of this stupid addiction. And I have to stop.
Next day, usually afternoon: Ah, well, I feel pretty ok, I got all my chores (work, whatever) done, I'll relax with a drink, I'll just keep things under control. Next thing I know I'm dragging my butt to bed, and the cycle continues. I am so miserable! It is amazing to me that I can be consciously aware of my own self-destruction, yet continue on. And on. And on. I need help with that moment of the day where I begin this routine. This routine also involves smoking. It is a nice drink and smoke on the patio, reading or doing dumb stuff on my phone. The worst part that I don't even want to admit is my daughter is home with me as I do this every night. She is 17, so able to fend for herself, and generally on her computer or chatting with friends, but I am so ashamed at what she witnesses as me being her mom and being useless on the patio every night. I have wasted YEARS here. Years!!! People die of uncontrollable circumstances all the time, but I'm creating my own easier path to death, a healthy body and mind going to waste because of this stupid addiction. And I have to stop.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi and welcome Sarah
We I first came to SR I felt the way you do - I wanted desperately to stop but didn't really know how, and never really could see myself post-alcohol.
The support encouragement and understanding here really helped me turn my life around.
The folks here helped me find the strength in myself to go one day sober, then two then three...
I know we can help you too
D
We I first came to SR I felt the way you do - I wanted desperately to stop but didn't really know how, and never really could see myself post-alcohol.
The support encouragement and understanding here really helped me turn my life around.
The folks here helped me find the strength in myself to go one day sober, then two then three...
I know we can help you too
D
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Sarah74
I have to stop.
I look young for my age.
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 932
Sounds like your daughter is a great motivator to quit. Dump all your booze this morning, and go catch a movie with her tonight when you would normally be sitting on the patio. Break the routine. For you, today can be day one.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 258
Sarah your story sounds like mine and like many others that post around here. Keep coming back, when I stop posting in here, I started drinking again. So now I'm on sober day two of the hundredth time I've tried to quit. You learn something new every day, commit to not drinking today and then do the same the next. It's not easy, find something to do that's not drinking. For example, last night I cleaned bathrooms, did laundry and went to bed as soon as the kids went to bed. Tonight, I'm going to the gym, reading a book and going to bed early. Each day is different, but you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Welcome! I suggest getting rid of everything alcohol-related....bottles, glasses, wine-openers...everything! I did this and even through-out all of my wine glasses. My home is an alcohol-free zone. It's my safe place. I hope you can make a safe place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I went around that "Have to, GOT TO, I REALLLYY HAVE TO!!!" merry go round for years, too.
What changed it for me finally was switching to "I WANT TO".
At first, I had to fake it. I had to catch myself saying "I HAVE TO" and consciously correct myself "I WANT to have sobriety".
I had to work at it.
I had to find heroes to look up to.... famous people and real people in my life I could remind myself of "I want to be like them!!".
I had to counter all the messages from my own mind and society telling me how cool and important is was to drink - with clear pictures of a different path THAT I WANTED.
Even when my heart wasn't in it - I focused on WANT TO instead of HAVE TO.
It took some time, but gradually this helped.....
And then, bit by bit.... it wasn't work anymore. Because I really DID WANT TO.
And once I had shifted into "I WANT TO" - I never had to be weighed down by the shame and disappointment and futility of another failed "I HAVE TO" again.
I've never been particularly good at accepting "Have to".
The only things I really ever did well in life were the things that I determined I WANT TO.
Keep at it.
What changed it for me finally was switching to "I WANT TO".
At first, I had to fake it. I had to catch myself saying "I HAVE TO" and consciously correct myself "I WANT to have sobriety".
I had to work at it.
I had to find heroes to look up to.... famous people and real people in my life I could remind myself of "I want to be like them!!".
I had to counter all the messages from my own mind and society telling me how cool and important is was to drink - with clear pictures of a different path THAT I WANTED.
Even when my heart wasn't in it - I focused on WANT TO instead of HAVE TO.
It took some time, but gradually this helped.....
And then, bit by bit.... it wasn't work anymore. Because I really DID WANT TO.
And once I had shifted into "I WANT TO" - I never had to be weighed down by the shame and disappointment and futility of another failed "I HAVE TO" again.
I've never been particularly good at accepting "Have to".
The only things I really ever did well in life were the things that I determined I WANT TO.
Keep at it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
You can do this!
Free Owl's post reminds me of something I would write, thx to Free Owl.
There are things in life that seem like a "have to"....so, because you HAVE to, you do it (you become willing, perhaps)...and it CAN (in some cases) turn into a 'WANT TO'.
Here's something I've learned in life: There are many things we are asked to do. And, there are many things we are expected to do. One example I can think of is going to work. Let's call a spade a spade...Most of us have had days when we didn't want to go to work. But, the bills need to get paid and we need to have food/clothing/shelter. I've been determined to turn my 'have tos' into a 'want to' and MOST of the time the OUTCOME is POSITIVE.
Another expectation I can think of is being asked to provide music at the annual family reunion. To be totally honest I don't always FEEL like doing that! I'd rather have a little more time to have good visits with my relatives who I don't get to see much. I'd rather have a little more time savoring those visits and savoring all the good food that is brought. BUT, it ain't too long after the eating starts that they are wanting us get out our instruments and start pickin and singin. And so it goes....and has gone for many a decade. If you can pick and sing, you are EXPECTED to play. Even though I don't always feel like it at first, once I get into it, I enjoy it and I'm glad that others enjoy it too! Am I doing that to PLEASE people? No, I'm doing it because it is expected as a time honored tradition, but a very GOOD tradition as the music is considered beneficial and precious; something we don't want to die out. I'm also doing it because the music is in my blood.
Sometimes there is pressure to perform. I just tell myself: "It's just me and my guitar and we'd be doing this anyway, with or without an audience."
Free Owl's post reminds me of something I would write, thx to Free Owl.
There are things in life that seem like a "have to"....so, because you HAVE to, you do it (you become willing, perhaps)...and it CAN (in some cases) turn into a 'WANT TO'.
Here's something I've learned in life: There are many things we are asked to do. And, there are many things we are expected to do. One example I can think of is going to work. Let's call a spade a spade...Most of us have had days when we didn't want to go to work. But, the bills need to get paid and we need to have food/clothing/shelter. I've been determined to turn my 'have tos' into a 'want to' and MOST of the time the OUTCOME is POSITIVE.
Another expectation I can think of is being asked to provide music at the annual family reunion. To be totally honest I don't always FEEL like doing that! I'd rather have a little more time to have good visits with my relatives who I don't get to see much. I'd rather have a little more time savoring those visits and savoring all the good food that is brought. BUT, it ain't too long after the eating starts that they are wanting us get out our instruments and start pickin and singin. And so it goes....and has gone for many a decade. If you can pick and sing, you are EXPECTED to play. Even though I don't always feel like it at first, once I get into it, I enjoy it and I'm glad that others enjoy it too! Am I doing that to PLEASE people? No, I'm doing it because it is expected as a time honored tradition, but a very GOOD tradition as the music is considered beneficial and precious; something we don't want to die out. I'm also doing it because the music is in my blood.
Sometimes there is pressure to perform. I just tell myself: "It's just me and my guitar and we'd be doing this anyway, with or without an audience."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sometimes our best audience is ourselves... I want it to sound good... So I keep playing till I feel/hear it's there...you gotta love what your doing... There needs to be some joy and satisfaction....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,521
I felt that way too, Sarah. It took me decades to finally find the courage to get serious about stopping. You can do it. I hope you'll keep reading & posting here. We care about you.
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