Celi,
Your situation sounds very similar to what my situation was like. My VSTBXAW didn’t drive either, not due to a DUI, but just didn’t want to get a license. This created a lot of stressful situations and made it extremely difficult to enforce boundaries and to stick to not enabling. If I were driving us around and passed a liquor store she would “ask” to stop so she could get something to drink. When I refused to stop it would lead to a fight for the rest of the ride where I would be berated and accused of trying to “control” her, and I would just try to get home as fast as possible to get some space away from her. And when we got home she would either walk or get a cab to go get something. So then the fights would become such that I was not only trying to control her drinking, but it was also my fault that she had to spend money on a cab or her legs were tired since I “forced” her to walk there. Sometimes I failed at not enabling and would just stop and let her get her drink, which I guess I was just avoiding the additional blame being laid at my feet.
Later on I got to the point where I would not go places with her if I thought she would be drinking, I didn’t want to be around her drunk. So I/we would just stay home quite often; this made things worse as I still wanted to go places and be out but not with her drinking and I partially resented her for it. And she resented me for not taking her out anymore and not wanting to do things with her. At this point she started frequenting bars on her own and eventually started picking up guys. I tried to ignore it as much as I could, sometimes I would go to the bar and try to get her to leave… which never worked, and only added to my stress and usually made me look like the crazy controlling husband.. which wasn’t untrue. I wanted her sober, and was unwilling to accept her as she was. And even if I ignored this situation, blame was still put on me…. Nothing like getting a call at 3:15am from her that the guy she was going home with still lived with his parents so he dropped her off on some corner… and that if I didn’t get out of bed and pick her up she might have been raped or killed and it would be my fault!??
Things did get worse over the next few years, including trips to the hospital, hallucinations, affair(s), arrested, etc… Nothing I ever did could “fix” her or this problem; and every time I thought “this is bottom” or “it can’t get any worse”, it did get worse, and considerably so. The depths of crazy and stress don’t seem to have a limit when living with an alcoholic.
To answer your question what can you do to prevent this situation from driving you crazier; for me it took two steps.
First was to accept her for who she was; she’s an alcoholic, and living with one usually comes with lots of drama, craziness and immense stress. And nothing you say or do can change or control that; only she can be the one who decides if she wants to get help. It’s not your problem, nor is it yours to fix. It’s painful watching someone you love and care about hurt themselves like this and being helpless to stop it; but that’s the reality of the situation.
Second, for me, was to decide if this was the life I wanted to live for the rest of my life. Could I handle more stress, more lies and deception, more fights and belligerence, more blame shifting, more insanity… essentially more of her and her sickness? The answer for me was that after 13 years I could not live that way any longer; and I’ve now been separated 8 months with contact limited to legal matters for the divorce. Part of me still loves her and probably always will, and it was just as painful walking away from her as it was watching her slowly kill herself with alcohol. It took me nearly 3 years longer than it should have to finally make the move; and part of me regrets not doing it sooner. I guess I wasn’t ready until I was truly ready, and it was during this time that I came to terms with the death of hope for “us.” Nobody but me could decide when it was time; likewise, nobody can tell you what path or timeframe is right for you.
I would highly recommend to read and learn as much as you can, as there are many others who have been in similar types of situations.
I feel for you and your current situation, and hope that you find some peace and serenity.