Help! Alcoholic Partner

Old 06-25-2016, 02:38 PM
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Help! Alcoholic Partner

Hi all,

I'm copying a slightly edited version of a thread I created in the Newcomers forum here, because I realized this is the more appropriate location for my questions.

I signed up for this forum because I'm in need of some advice. My partner of several years is becoming increasingly dependent on alcohol. She has a natural tendency towards depression - for which she has agreed to seek treatment, but that treatment has not so far been very successful. Her depression and alcoholism create a vicious cycle: most of the day she spends in bed, getting up only when it is time to go to her (evening) job - often as late as 3. She does virtually nothing in the household or to help raise her children (my step-children). She drinks throughout the day - whatever she has available - and sometimes even takes drinks with her to work. She has promised many times to stop or slow down but never seriously followed through on any of those promises. After a big fight, she agreed for the umpteenth time to make an appointment with a counselor - and this time actually followed through. But her drinking since has only intensified, and I have little faith this will prompt any lasting improvement - if she ends up even going to the appointment.

Complicating matters: she lost her license because of DUI's years ago, and so she is dependent on me buy her alcohol, or to provide her rides to the store for that purpose.

We are about to move across states, and I am becoming increasingly angry and frustrated with her constant drinking. I have no help organizing either our move or with anything else in the house. Drinking puts her in a volatile mood, and being around her is often like walking on very thin ice - the slightest misstep - a misinterpreted word, etc. - could provoke an outburst.

Sometimes, her behavior is so outrageous that I feel ready to leave this relationship. But despite everything I love her - and aside from that I couldn't bear to leave the children.

I have some concrete questions about the situation:

- My main dilemma at the moment is how I stop enabling without becoming overly controlling. Since she has no license, I drive her everywhere - including to the store or gas station, where she will buy alcohol. I realize doing this is enabling, and after a huge fight some months ago, I decided to to stop bringing her anywhere if she was going to buy alcohol. But this inadvertently turned me from enabler into controller: it's hard to distinguish an innocent trip to the store for makeup etc from an alcohol run. Constantly being her "opponent" was also extremely taxing. And of course she ended up getting her alcohol anyway: she would just get drunk at bars instead, often dissapearing from the house until the small hours of the night without notice and without responding to texts or phone calls. This situation was even more stressful to me and our family than when she was drinking at home. Over the last weeks I've just been giving her rides again - because the end result is that she drinks a little less, and at home: safer and less stressful. But, again, I understand this is enabling and feel troubled and guilty.

- How can I prevent this situation from driving me crazier than it already has? Does anyone have tips for coping?

- Though I basically never buy alcohol for my own consumption, I do sometimes have a drink, when we have something that I enjoy. I never have more than one or two drinks. Yet I feel that this may still be somehow encouraging or enabling. Would it be better to abstain from any drinks altogether?

Sorry for rambling on. I appreciate any advice!
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Old 06-25-2016, 03:18 PM
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I would be asking myself do I really want to figure out how to cope and deal with this behavior for the rest of my life, or do I want to focus on moving on instead.
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Old 06-25-2016, 03:59 PM
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children always complicate things.....but this situation is not good for any of you. in particular the children whose mother is drunk all the time, involved in their lives, and out carousing at bars all night.

yes buying her alcohol is enabling BIG TIME. driving her around so she can buy booze is enabling. giving in to her because she acts like a two year old is enabling. walking on eggshells is enabling. arranging to move and take her with you in this condition, when she makes no effort herself is enabling.

she really has no reason or motive to quit. she's allowed and even protected to keep on doing what she is doing.

lots to think about it.
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Old 06-25-2016, 04:07 PM
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I'm not surprised that talk about getting help for her drinking problem has intensified her drinking. The thought of giving up alcohol is very anxiety-provoking for an alcoholic.

The bottom line is that nothing you do is going to prevent her from drinking. This is terrible for the kids, as Anvil points out, and terrible for you, too.

Why are you moving--for your job? I sure wouldn't want to move across the country with an alcoholic partner. I did that, during a brief hiatus of semi-sobriety, married him, and then was stranded with him. It will be much harder for you to leave if she has no friends or family around.

How old are the kids? Where is their dad--is he in the picture? Does he know about the drinking? If it's feasible to do so, I'd let him know and let him take responsibility for their welfare.
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Old 06-25-2016, 04:37 PM
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Cali this is awful for you, and I totally respect your concern for the children if you leave. The current situation gives your AP no incentive to stop drinking, as you've seen from the scenes over buying alcohol. It may take you leaving the picture before she if forced to seek help, although there are no guarantees.

Does she have a family or other support network if you move on your own, including the children's father? Think about the disruption of the move, especially for the children, with their mother's drinking undiminished. It sounds unworkable. Also, be wary of any promises on her part to change. It's not easy for an A to stop drinking, and doing it under threat doesn't always produce the best result.
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Old 06-25-2016, 04:49 PM
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NO
is a complete sentence.

and the hardest thing to say for an enabler/codie.
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Old 06-25-2016, 04:55 PM
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Anvil: thanks for the honest response. I know you are right that what I do is enabling, and I need to change that. I have a lot of trouble finding a way to behave that is not either enabling or that leads to completely unbearable situations in the house. And yet I don't feel ready to give up on her or on the children.

LexieCat: thanks for the perspective on the intensified drinking, that helps me understand a little better.

I'm moving to accept a job offer. It's a very good offer and not something I can (or really want to) postpone at the moment so this intensifies the pressure on this situation a lot. She doesn't have much of a support system here - no family close by, and the friends she does have are just trying to get her out to drink.

The children's biological dad is not in the picture and that's definitely a good thing. Her relationship with him was abusive, he was not only an alcoholic but also a drug user, and that is probably where and why she discovered the release of alcohol abuse. I'm afraid I wouldn't trust him to take care of a goldfish, let alone our children.

I think the children are relatively shielded from what is going on at the moment. I very much try never to argue with my partner when they are around, and because she spends so much time in bed during the day most of her drinking happens when they are asleep.

There are periods where she does quite well - sometimes weeks without excessive drinking or drunkenness - and when she is not doing well, she is usually aware of her own problem (which is not to say she acts on the knowledge). She doesn't lie, steal, or hide alcohol. So sometimes I am hopeful that we can work this out still. But this increased drinking right before a really big change in our lives makes me very anxious.
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Old 06-25-2016, 05:07 PM
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The children are NOT shielded from what's going on. Many of us here were/are children of alcoholic parents, and fights are only one part of the dysfunction that harms them. Having a parent who isn't present, who can't be counted on, who does or says embarrassing or hurtful things--those all affect kids negatively.

Most alcoholics aren't terrible people. But being someone who doesn't lie or steal isn't much qualification to be a partner or a parent. I understand loving one's partner, even as you are watching their lives circling the drain. But the thing about drowning partners is that if you don't let go, you get dragged down with them.

If you stay together, PLEASE get the kids some help. Depending on their ages, Alateen is available. School counselors are another good resource. One of the very worst things that can happen in an alcoholic household is that everybody covers up the "big secret"--it's very damaging to the kids and is yet another form of enabling.
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Old 06-25-2016, 05:48 PM
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"I think the children are relatively shielded from what is going on at the moment. I very much try never to argue with my partner when they are around, and because she spends so much time in bed during the day most of her drinking happens when they are asleep. '

children are more knowledgable about whats going on around them than what theyre given credit for. they see and hear things and can put 1 and 1 together pretty good.
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Old 06-25-2016, 06:32 PM
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I think my dad thought we were "shielded" from things, too...but the scars my mother's alcoholism and my father's enabling codependency left on me were not visible.
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Old 06-26-2016, 09:09 AM
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Your first step is to quit enabling the booze buying. If she still gets it so be it but your not enabling. You can't prevent her from drinking but don't help her. You may be supprised at how much better it will make you feel about yourself because you just made a huge step toward ending codependency.
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Old 06-26-2016, 10:10 AM
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Celi....she will manage to get alcohol no matter what you do. An alcoholic who has the compulsion to drink is a most resourceful creature.
You cannot manage this situation by simply cutting off her supply. There is much more to it.... This is why treatment is so important.
Of course there is the question of willingness and motivation to quit.....
And, there might be other factors at play which complicate things..like, maybe, depression, etc......

Moving with her to a distant location.....EEEk!.... I hope you will think very seriously about the unintended consequences of that one!
One might be the effect of uprooting the children from their familiar schools, friends, etc. They also have established residency, at present location,,,so that she and they would be eligible for more social services.....

It is not lost on me (and others) that this is very complicated....much, much, more so..because of innocent and vulnerable children involved.
But, I don't see that dragging them to a distant location is going to help one bit....
And...the fact that love, alone, is not enough. If so, none of us would be here on this forum....(That is a hard o ne to accept, I know.).....

It sounds like things have spiraled downward to drastic proportions. Drastic situations can require drastic actions.....

don't hesitate to get professional help for yourself and to guide you through this very difficult time.....
don't ever be afraid to ask for help......

dandylion
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Old 06-27-2016, 06:25 AM
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These are my thoughts: I would NOT drag an active, and abusive A, across country. Chances are, she will use this as an opportunity to not work at all, and then fall deeper into the alcoholic abyss. You know you are enabling with the driving and such, so I won't go further with that.

I think you're already realizing that her 'promises' are empty and worthless, because her actions she the complete opposite. The kids probably know there is a problem. I would try to get them some help though.

This could be your 'out' brought down from heaven above that lets you escape this very unhealthy situation, and start clean. It may not seem like a great option right now, but it could very well be a blessing in disguise. God could be leading you out.

Hoping you find some peace.

COD
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Old 06-27-2016, 08:47 AM
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Celi,

Your situation sounds very similar to what my situation was like. My VSTBXAW didn’t drive either, not due to a DUI, but just didn’t want to get a license. This created a lot of stressful situations and made it extremely difficult to enforce boundaries and to stick to not enabling. If I were driving us around and passed a liquor store she would “ask” to stop so she could get something to drink. When I refused to stop it would lead to a fight for the rest of the ride where I would be berated and accused of trying to “control” her, and I would just try to get home as fast as possible to get some space away from her. And when we got home she would either walk or get a cab to go get something. So then the fights would become such that I was not only trying to control her drinking, but it was also my fault that she had to spend money on a cab or her legs were tired since I “forced” her to walk there. Sometimes I failed at not enabling and would just stop and let her get her drink, which I guess I was just avoiding the additional blame being laid at my feet.

Later on I got to the point where I would not go places with her if I thought she would be drinking, I didn’t want to be around her drunk. So I/we would just stay home quite often; this made things worse as I still wanted to go places and be out but not with her drinking and I partially resented her for it. And she resented me for not taking her out anymore and not wanting to do things with her. At this point she started frequenting bars on her own and eventually started picking up guys. I tried to ignore it as much as I could, sometimes I would go to the bar and try to get her to leave… which never worked, and only added to my stress and usually made me look like the crazy controlling husband.. which wasn’t untrue. I wanted her sober, and was unwilling to accept her as she was. And even if I ignored this situation, blame was still put on me…. Nothing like getting a call at 3:15am from her that the guy she was going home with still lived with his parents so he dropped her off on some corner… and that if I didn’t get out of bed and pick her up she might have been raped or killed and it would be my fault!??

Things did get worse over the next few years, including trips to the hospital, hallucinations, affair(s), arrested, etc… Nothing I ever did could “fix” her or this problem; and every time I thought “this is bottom” or “it can’t get any worse”, it did get worse, and considerably so. The depths of crazy and stress don’t seem to have a limit when living with an alcoholic.

To answer your question what can you do to prevent this situation from driving you crazier; for me it took two steps.

First was to accept her for who she was; she’s an alcoholic, and living with one usually comes with lots of drama, craziness and immense stress. And nothing you say or do can change or control that; only she can be the one who decides if she wants to get help. It’s not your problem, nor is it yours to fix. It’s painful watching someone you love and care about hurt themselves like this and being helpless to stop it; but that’s the reality of the situation.

Second, for me, was to decide if this was the life I wanted to live for the rest of my life. Could I handle more stress, more lies and deception, more fights and belligerence, more blame shifting, more insanity… essentially more of her and her sickness? The answer for me was that after 13 years I could not live that way any longer; and I’ve now been separated 8 months with contact limited to legal matters for the divorce. Part of me still loves her and probably always will, and it was just as painful walking away from her as it was watching her slowly kill herself with alcohol. It took me nearly 3 years longer than it should have to finally make the move; and part of me regrets not doing it sooner. I guess I wasn’t ready until I was truly ready, and it was during this time that I came to terms with the death of hope for “us.” Nobody but me could decide when it was time; likewise, nobody can tell you what path or timeframe is right for you.

I would highly recommend to read and learn as much as you can, as there are many others who have been in similar types of situations.

I feel for you and your current situation, and hope that you find some peace and serenity.
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Old 06-27-2016, 09:17 AM
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Thanks for sharing, Splinter. Great post. Luckily, my AW does all her drinking at home and passes out, she hasn't hit the bars yet. If I'm lucky, she passes out before she gets all emotional and crazy and starts blaming me for everything.

She does not, however, ask me to buy her booze - that stopped awhile ago. I too, dread when we have to go meet someone for dinner, or have people over, or go over to someone's house - I never know how much she will drink, and it takes away from me enjoying my time. Luckily, the booze always seems to hit the hardest as soon as we get home, so the people we're with don't see the ugly side.
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Old 06-27-2016, 11:04 AM
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I would immediately stop buying alcohol because she has no reason to stop while you enable her. And, in essence, your actions are saying it's ok to drink.
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Old 06-27-2016, 02:03 PM
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Thanks so much for everyone's feedback. And Splinter, thanks so much for sharing: those car scenes are so precisely what happens to me every single time too! It sounds painfully familiar. I'm really torn. I love her and the thought of leaving her to this self-destruction pains me.

And even aside from that: my (it feels like they're mine) children were already abandoned once by their (worthless) biological father. When I first met them, they were shy, struggling in school, scared of further abandonment. Today they are happy, they've adjusted to a family life that is - while problematic - far better than what they came from. We read together, work on schoolwork together, eat family meals together. They graduated at the top of their class this year.

I didn't mean to deny in my earlier post that they don't suffer from what is happening - I am very aware that this leaves scars that are hard to erase. But they are not witnessing the worst of it, and I have done the best that I can do to make sure they have everything they need. And I don't know that I could forgive myself for abandoning them now. Moving them away from here will be hard, but it will also come with benefits: their current schools are mostly worthless, there is no support system here from which they can benefit, and this would be radically different afterwards: we would be in one of the best school districts in the country. Their grandparents, the family to which they are closest, will be precisely as far away from them then as they are now, only in the opposite direction. I feel like whatever harm may come from moving them is not outweighed by the harm of leaving them alone in this situation.

But maybe I'm just rationalizing.
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Old 06-27-2016, 02:08 PM
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The question I would ask myself here is how much I am willing to commit to changing my life for a person who is not even committed to herself.

We can't expect people to ever be anything more than who they show us they are (and not were - are, presently). What I have learned from being in a relationship with an alcoholic is not only that, but what we presently see is likely the best there is to come if that alcoholic does not commit to treatment.

That being said, as far as a few of your concrete questions:

It is not controlling to no longer drive her to places where she can get alcohol. She has the freedom to walk, call a friend, get on a bus, call a cab, purchase a bicycle as alternate transportation, or a number of things. If she has asked you to take her to a store so she can get items other than alcohol, and has ended up purchasing alcohol after you have made it clear that you would not be enabling her, then shame on her for breaking your trust. If that is what has happened, then she's made things harder for herself - you are not controlling by sticking to your own boundaries.

As far as the other two concrete questions you have asked:

What I have learned is there is no limit to how much an untreated alcoholic will push you and drain you. As far as coping skills - I would suggest reading the stickies on this board, at the top of this main section. Al anon would be a good group to look into, as it focuses on how you can properly take care of yourself and set healthy boundaries. As far as you drinking - I see that as potentially giving her a weapon to use against you. Drink at your own peril.

In my opinion, I am kind of in agreement that this job relocation is kind of a wake up call for you. You're being given a big decision to make, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking time to decide if you are going down the right path with your partner.

Whatever it is that you decide, just know that there are programs out there like al anon that can help you bring focus back to you so you can ensure that you are taking care of you, first and foremost, and placing healthy boundaries when you need to, so you can keep taking care of yourself.

And keep coming back here when you feel you need to. There is a lot of wisdom that can be gained from the members of this board.
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Old 06-27-2016, 02:57 PM
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I guess I would just suggest you VERY carefully think through the probable outcomes of his situation. OK, so the kids are in a better school. Will that help that much when their mother implodes? (And from what you are describing, it's not a matter of WHETHER she will implode--what you are seeing right now is the very BEST you can realistically expect). Alcoholism is progressive. It may be hard to imagine how it can get worse, but it inevitably does. Have you talked with a lawyer about how you can protect them when that happens? You might want to look into the law in both jurisdictions to find out where you have the best shot at being allowed custody when your partner gets worse.

I'd just do a lot more thinking and planning before undertaking a move like this with kids involved.
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Old 06-27-2016, 05:54 PM
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What does your partner think about this move? What are her feelings towards moving across the country?
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