Anvil: thanks for the honest response. I know you are right that what I do is enabling, and I need to change that. I have a lot of trouble finding a way to behave that is not either enabling or that leads to completely unbearable situations in the house. And yet I don't feel ready to give up on her or on the children.
LexieCat: thanks for the perspective on the intensified drinking, that helps me understand a little better.
I'm moving to accept a job offer. It's a very good offer and not something I can (or really want to) postpone at the moment so this intensifies the pressure on this situation a lot. She doesn't have much of a support system here - no family close by, and the friends she does have are just trying to get her out to drink.
The children's biological dad is not in the picture and that's definitely a good thing. Her relationship with him was abusive, he was not only an alcoholic but also a drug user, and that is probably where and why she discovered the release of alcohol abuse. I'm afraid I wouldn't trust him to take care of a goldfish, let alone our children.
I think the children are relatively shielded from what is going on at the moment. I very much try never to argue with my partner when they are around, and because she spends so much time in bed during the day most of her drinking happens when they are asleep.
There are periods where she does quite well - sometimes weeks without excessive drinking or drunkenness - and when she is not doing well, she is usually aware of her own problem (which is not to say she acts on the knowledge). She doesn't lie, steal, or hide alcohol. So sometimes I am hopeful that we can work this out still. But this increased drinking right before a really big change in our lives makes me very anxious.