Hi all,
I'm copying a slightly edited version of a thread I created in the Newcomers forum here, because I realized this is the more appropriate location for my questions.
I signed up for this forum because I'm in need of some advice. My partner of several years is becoming increasingly dependent on alcohol. She has a natural tendency towards depression - for which she has agreed to seek treatment, but that treatment has not so far been very successful. Her depression and alcoholism create a vicious cycle: most of the day she spends in bed, getting up only when it is time to go to her (evening) job - often as late as 3. She does virtually nothing in the household or to help raise her children (my step-children). She drinks throughout the day - whatever she has available - and sometimes even takes drinks with her to work. She has promised many times to stop or slow down but never seriously followed through on any of those promises. After a big fight, she agreed for the umpteenth time to make an appointment with a counselor - and this time actually followed through. But her drinking since has only intensified, and I have little faith this will prompt any lasting improvement - if she ends up even going to the appointment.
Complicating matters: she lost her license because of DUI's years ago, and so she is dependent on me buy her alcohol, or to provide her rides to the store for that purpose.
We are about to move across states, and I am becoming increasingly angry and frustrated with her constant drinking. I have no help organizing either our move or with anything else in the house. Drinking puts her in a volatile mood, and being around her is often like walking on very thin ice - the slightest misstep - a misinterpreted word, etc. - could provoke an outburst.
Sometimes, her behavior is so outrageous that I feel ready to leave this relationship. But despite everything I love her - and aside from that I couldn't bear to leave the children.
I have some concrete questions about the situation:
- My main dilemma at the moment is how I stop enabling without becoming overly controlling. Since she has no license, I drive her everywhere - including to the store or gas station, where she will buy alcohol. I realize doing this is enabling, and after a huge fight some months ago, I decided to to stop bringing her anywhere if she was going to buy alcohol. But this inadvertently turned me from enabler into controller: it's hard to distinguish an innocent trip to the store for makeup etc from an alcohol run. Constantly being her "opponent" was also extremely taxing. And of course she ended up getting her alcohol anyway: she would just get drunk at bars instead, often dissapearing from the house until the small hours of the night without notice and without responding to texts or phone calls. This situation was even more stressful to me and our family than when she was drinking at home. Over the last weeks I've just been giving her rides again - because the end result is that she drinks a little less, and at home: safer and less stressful. But, again, I understand this is enabling and feel troubled and guilty.
- How can I prevent this situation from driving me crazier than it already has? Does anyone have tips for coping?
- Though I basically never buy alcohol for my own consumption, I do sometimes have a drink, when we have something that I enjoy. I never have more than one or two drinks. Yet I feel that this may still be somehow encouraging or enabling. Would it be better to abstain from any drinks altogether?
Sorry for rambling on. I appreciate any advice!
