Hello, friends. I have been reading here for a couple years but only recently registered, but I still consider you friends as I read the posts nightly, without fail, trying to make sense of my situation. I will attempt to share only the most pertinent details regarding my predicament which has, unfortunately, been going on for years. I could write a book; I will try not to. Here goes.....
To say I am sad and confused is an understatement. This is our 26th wedding anniversary and I have been living out of the house for more than a year now. I married the love of my life, but cannot tolerate the drinking any more. My AH is a high functioning A, we live in a small town and he has managed to keep his drinking secret...no one would *ever* believe this man has a drinking problem. Like many of you here have shared about your spouses, he turns on the charm out in public and is a very handsome and charismatic man. I have always been crazy about him, and he knows it. Despite my heartache he refuses to get help for his drinking and tells me he has "cut waaaay back" and is successfully self moderating (sound familiar, anyone?).....and, of course, I am not there anymore to know for sure.
This is not my first time leaving....it is my fourth (it shames me to say that). The first time I was gone for a week, second time three weeks....this all began in 2012 and there was a year between those times. He would act crazy and emotionally abusive after drinking heavily and each time I left was due to feeling unsafe in his presence. The third time I left he had become totally unglued and threatened suicide and made a comment which made me believe he intended to take us both out....he was extremely animated and irrational and had his 9mm handgun nearby. I have become quite expert at diffusing (so I think) but this was the most terrifying experience I have *ever* been through....I will spare you the details but I basically prayed all night for survival and left the next morning. After three months he convinced me once again (call me Crazy, I deserve it) he had stopped TOTALLY....and I, of course, wanted to believe him. For a while I thought it was true but after a few weeks I began occasionally smelling something odd which I could not identify but he never acted drunk (he can consume *a lot* before it shows in his behavior). Come to find out, it was gin. I never suspected hard alcohol as he was always a big beer drinker. I confronted him and he denied, of course. Long story short, I found hidden empty bottles and later found his stash which was a well-stocked mini fridge in his home office, to which I do not have access. His fridge was as full of beer, gin, Seagram's etc. as it could possibly get and still get the door shut....all the while he had been lying to me. I felt so gullible and deceived. That was May 2015 and I have been gone since.
So that's a little backstory. Now here I am, living outside my own home for over a year. He wants me back but has said in no uncertain terms he does not intend to stop drinking, as he believes he is successfully moderating. And my request is simply my "attempt to further control him". Riiiight.
He and I own a business together, so we still must interact on a daily basis and we actually enjoy one another's company. I often feel like a fool for being so "understanding" but both of our livelihoods are currently tied in our jointly owned business....so going no contact is not an option right now.
I have explained to him that if he is drinking at all, I no longer feel comfortable with our living together and even if he feels he has his drinking under control I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and the likelihood of his not allowing his drinking to escalate is highly unlikely.
I feel like a fool. A trapped fool. I know some of you may suggest Al-Anon and I have gone to great lengths to find a meeting near me and there are none. My search for Al-Anon is what brought me to this site a few years ago. I once thought I had found a meeting a few years ago and when I got there it was actually AA, all men. They encouraged me to stay and I did and could see it would be great for hubby but he has yet to attend the first meeting.
I failed to mention that over the years he has agreed to so many solutions I have sought for him.....made an appointment with my family physician to start him on anti-alcohol meds....he "changed his mind". Once when I caught him drinking while out of town on business he agreed he had a problem and would begin AA the following week...it never happened. I have tried to get him to go to couple's therapy with someone who specializes in alcohol and ACOA (which I am). I think my upbringing is what has caused me to give so many chances and the reason I am still cordial after all the lies and deception. The constant checking.... and monitoring him for the alcohol smell, wondering about his out of town trips were exhausting and hard to continue and that is a large part of why I left, along with the deception.
Well, I guess I just needed to share.....I am living in a less than ideal situation and I do not know what to do at this juncture. I took my marriage vows seriously and I think he did, as well. We are no spring chickens at this point and my life feels so messed up and like there is no solution. I am living in a rented house with all the associated expenses, while HE who caused the problem is in our nice home of 20+ years with all the nice furniture and conveniences. Frustration is my middle name.
If anyone has Experience, Strength or Hope to share, I'm all ears. Just writing this out makes me feel even more the fool......putting it into words has been rather painful I must say. Advice, anyone?
