ESH Needed ~~ Warning, Long Post (sorry)

Old 06-24-2016, 04:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BettyRubble99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 18
Unhappy ESH Needed ~~ Warning, Long Post (sorry)

Hello, friends. I have been reading here for a couple years but only recently registered, but I still consider you friends as I read the posts nightly, without fail, trying to make sense of my situation. I will attempt to share only the most pertinent details regarding my predicament which has, unfortunately, been going on for years. I could write a book; I will try not to. Here goes.....

To say I am sad and confused is an understatement. This is our 26th wedding anniversary and I have been living out of the house for more than a year now. I married the love of my life, but cannot tolerate the drinking any more. My AH is a high functioning A, we live in a small town and he has managed to keep his drinking secret...no one would *ever* believe this man has a drinking problem. Like many of you here have shared about your spouses, he turns on the charm out in public and is a very handsome and charismatic man. I have always been crazy about him, and he knows it. Despite my heartache he refuses to get help for his drinking and tells me he has "cut waaaay back" and is successfully self moderating (sound familiar, anyone?).....and, of course, I am not there anymore to know for sure.

This is not my first time leaving....it is my fourth (it shames me to say that). The first time I was gone for a week, second time three weeks....this all began in 2012 and there was a year between those times. He would act crazy and emotionally abusive after drinking heavily and each time I left was due to feeling unsafe in his presence. The third time I left he had become totally unglued and threatened suicide and made a comment which made me believe he intended to take us both out....he was extremely animated and irrational and had his 9mm handgun nearby. I have become quite expert at diffusing (so I think) but this was the most terrifying experience I have *ever* been through....I will spare you the details but I basically prayed all night for survival and left the next morning. After three months he convinced me once again (call me Crazy, I deserve it) he had stopped TOTALLY....and I, of course, wanted to believe him. For a while I thought it was true but after a few weeks I began occasionally smelling something odd which I could not identify but he never acted drunk (he can consume *a lot* before it shows in his behavior). Come to find out, it was gin. I never suspected hard alcohol as he was always a big beer drinker. I confronted him and he denied, of course. Long story short, I found hidden empty bottles and later found his stash which was a well-stocked mini fridge in his home office, to which I do not have access. His fridge was as full of beer, gin, Seagram's etc. as it could possibly get and still get the door shut....all the while he had been lying to me. I felt so gullible and deceived. That was May 2015 and I have been gone since.

So that's a little backstory. Now here I am, living outside my own home for over a year. He wants me back but has said in no uncertain terms he does not intend to stop drinking, as he believes he is successfully moderating. And my request is simply my "attempt to further control him". Riiiight.

He and I own a business together, so we still must interact on a daily basis and we actually enjoy one another's company. I often feel like a fool for being so "understanding" but both of our livelihoods are currently tied in our jointly owned business....so going no contact is not an option right now.

I have explained to him that if he is drinking at all, I no longer feel comfortable with our living together and even if he feels he has his drinking under control I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and the likelihood of his not allowing his drinking to escalate is highly unlikely.

I feel like a fool. A trapped fool. I know some of you may suggest Al-Anon and I have gone to great lengths to find a meeting near me and there are none. My search for Al-Anon is what brought me to this site a few years ago. I once thought I had found a meeting a few years ago and when I got there it was actually AA, all men. They encouraged me to stay and I did and could see it would be great for hubby but he has yet to attend the first meeting.

I failed to mention that over the years he has agreed to so many solutions I have sought for him.....made an appointment with my family physician to start him on anti-alcohol meds....he "changed his mind". Once when I caught him drinking while out of town on business he agreed he had a problem and would begin AA the following week...it never happened. I have tried to get him to go to couple's therapy with someone who specializes in alcohol and ACOA (which I am). I think my upbringing is what has caused me to give so many chances and the reason I am still cordial after all the lies and deception. The constant checking.... and monitoring him for the alcohol smell, wondering about his out of town trips were exhausting and hard to continue and that is a large part of why I left, along with the deception.

Well, I guess I just needed to share.....I am living in a less than ideal situation and I do not know what to do at this juncture. I took my marriage vows seriously and I think he did, as well. We are no spring chickens at this point and my life feels so messed up and like there is no solution. I am living in a rented house with all the associated expenses, while HE who caused the problem is in our nice home of 20+ years with all the nice furniture and conveniences. Frustration is my middle name.

If anyone has Experience, Strength or Hope to share, I'm all ears. Just writing this out makes me feel even more the fool......putting it into words has been rather painful I must say. Advice, anyone?
BettyRubble99 is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 04:55 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eauchiche's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,790
Dear Betty
So sorry for what brings you here. You had the strength to leave last year, so pat yourself on the back for that.

I am glad you enjoy daily interaction with him for now. Even if he were sober, that might be the best for you, to not live together.

I hope we can be a good support for you. Glad you finally posted!!!
Eauchiche is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 05:21 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey Betty, talk to us whenever you want to. Welcome to the family. It's ok to vent here or just to ask for (((((hugs)))). We're here for you. I consider you as a friend also.

I know when I was going through this, I started to isolate myself. I took on all of the shame, and you know what.... it wasn't mine to take on.

Welcome,

((((((hugs))))))
amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 05:23 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Betty, your post sounds so familiar. I'm an ACoA, as well, and i have put up with do many outrageous situations in my life time, because that's what I did as a child. Lived selfish people, and had to accept whatever they handed out.
You deserve better. We Arent Children anymore, AND We Have Choices now. I'm glad to see that you are giving yourself some peace, in living away from the alcoholic, and the insanity.
Keep posting. Many will be glad to listen, and understand.
hugs.
chicory is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 05:41 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi Betty and sorry for what brings you here. Glad you finally joined and shared your story.

I think you have probably read here enough to know what to expect to be told.

As I see it your husband has his cake and is eating it too. He has the house, he has all your nice things, he is still married to you, your business is still trucking along, he sees you/speaks with you often. Perhaps you have dinner and interact exactly as before without living together. But most of all #1, he gets to have ALL that AND still drink. WOO HOO!! An alcoholic couldn't ask for a better scenario.

- He isn't going to quit drinking
- He isn't going to divorce you
- He isn't going to move out of the house
- HE ISN"T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING

This doesn't look like a very good deal for YOU, in fact its a sh!t deal for you.

Your choice here is to continue as is infinitum. Move back in with an alcoholic. Or, change your life.

I'd go for the change personally. You are only as trapped as what you are not willing to give up. What is that? its not the house, you gave that up. Its not the marriage you gave that up over a year ago (this is just a friendship now). What about the business? Is that what it is?

That's what you have to figure out - what is it that is keeping you in limbo?
redatlanta is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 06:37 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BettyRubble99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 18
I SO appreciate your comments.

Amy55, you mentioned isolation and shame.....that describes my life for the past 13 months in a nutshell. Nearly no one knows we are living seperately.....I like it that way. I often feel I am in a witness protection program...lol. My rental is in a nearby town and has a garage so no one sees my vehicle. Most of my closest friends have no idea, only a few family members know. I guess it's my years of co-dependent behavior which created the image of a happy, successful couple when the walls were burning down around me....I just don't know. I have always called it privacy but really, I guess I hate exposing the lies and misery (?).

Chicory ~ yes, peace is new to me and that is the best part. TBH, much of my time here has been a struggle to refrain from running back yet again.....but I consider the great feeling of uneasiness that had become the norm, even when I thought things were "getting to good" but my gut knew different. I don't want that....peace, although lonely plus my self-imposed isolation, is way better!
BettyRubble99 is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 06:54 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BettyRubble99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 18
RedAtlanta ~ you hit the nail on the head. Hubby DOES have it made, at my expense......all the reasons you mentioned, plus no one knows it is happening!

My post was long enough, but I left out a lot.....yes, I do enjoy his company when he is not acting like King Baby in the office. Since I left home AH has had a huge chip (Boulder) on his shoulder, and does very little to contribute to the business these days. Entitled, cold and demeaning to others, pouty. He and I are both salaried, so I guess that's yet another piece of cake for him. Coast til payday and do it all again! :-/

You're right, it IS a sh!t deal for me. Thanks for helping me to see some things.....you are entirely correct, he won't be rocking the boat. Plus, I think he has been on a personal PR campaign the past several months, he has turned into Mr. Nice Guy (joined a civic organization, volunteering at church, etc.).....he has a motive, and who knows what type of picture he paints (however subtly) of me. I shouldn't let my guard down.

I will have to think long and hard what it is keeping me in limbo.
BettyRubble99 is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 07:13 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Just remember, no pressure here. You can talk about anything that you want to. I know that I needed to do that a lot. I remember feeling isolated and afraid to talk to anyone. My ex was always so nice to everyone, except me. etc....



((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 07:22 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I was married for 25 years or so when I left, divorced after 27 1/2 years. Sometimes you really can't believe the change in their personalities. Sometimes it was there for a lot longer then you think it was.

I can look back now and see that, but when I was in it, I don't know if I was thinking survival, or that I could still change him.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 08:09 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Betty.....You say that you are an Adult Child of Alcoholic.....but, have you ever h ad contact with the organization
"Adult Children of Alcoholics" ...or, not...?

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 09:09 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BettyRubble99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 18
Dandelion ~ no, I have never had contact with that organization. I am simply referring to my experiences growing up in the home with an alcoholic parent.
BettyRubble99 is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 09:25 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Betty...you might want to search for a meeting in your area....I'm thinking that group might be specific to you needs and experiences....

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-24-2016, 09:25 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey Betty, you painted a decent picture here. Can you tell us how you are really feeling. I know that this is hard, because I think we hid ourselves away so much that we don't or can't do this. I'm listening. If you want me to go first I will, or you can just click on my name here and go to where I talked about my anniversary. Think I did that in 2013 or 2014, don't remember.

Just always know, that we do understand here.

amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-25-2016, 01:33 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Betty.....You say that you are an Adult Child of Alcoholic.....but, have you ever h ad contact with the organization
"Adult Children of Alcoholics" ...or, not...?

dandylion
Welcome. I also encourage you to attend ACOA meetings, I found them an enormous help to me. The biggest help was in spotting what was OK behaviour by others towards me and what was not.

My perception was off from growing up with A parents.
LeeJane is offline  
Old 06-25-2016, 04:51 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Betty, I'd encourage you to confide in a few close friends. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you could tap into so much support and good-will.
Think about your future in the long term, because there is a life after divorce. It must be very hard to move on when you see him every day, and even enjoy seeing him. Your arrangement at the moment is probably not going to last forever, and it would be better to make plans proactively rather than just let things coast along. Alcoholism tends to be progressive, and with it can come irrationality and hostility.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 06-25-2016, 05:00 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by BettyRubble99 View Post
RedAtlanta ~ you hit the nail on the head. Hubby DOES have it made, at my expense......all the reasons you mentioned, plus no one knows it is happening!

My post was long enough, but I left out a lot.....yes, I do enjoy his company when he is not acting like King Baby in the office. Since I left home AH has had a huge chip (Boulder) on his shoulder, and does very little to contribute to the business these days. Entitled, cold and demeaning to others, pouty. He and I are both salaried, so I guess that's yet another piece of cake for him. Coast til payday and do it all again! :-/

You're right, it IS a sh!t deal for me. Thanks for helping me to see some things.....you are entirely correct, he won't be rocking the boat. Plus, I think he has been on a personal PR campaign the past several months, he has turned into Mr. Nice Guy (joined a civic organization, volunteering at church, etc.).....he has a motive, and who knows what type of picture he paints (however subtly) of me. I shouldn't let my guard down.

I will have to think long and hard what it is keeping me in limbo.
Your comment that you are "trapped" is a feeling most here felt. I certainly felt it myself when my husband relapsed. We had put out a tremendous amount of cash prior to him relapsing. I knew he would not go easily, that I would have to exit the home in interim (which was mine previous to him), that I would most likely have to support both homes during that time (he had moved here from another state and had to make some business changes, his cash flow was tighter than mine. Plus I felt that his drinking would escalate most likely and I wouldn't be able to count on him being responsible, or caring). So, I know that trapped feeling very well.

However, no one is trapped. We are only trapped in our minds and in our perceptions. I have seen people here whose circumstances were way worse (financially) than mine, with kids, with pets, without income find their way out and go on to fine lives. You will see those posts on here fairly often "A year later". Its fascinating to me to read how they thought, then to see them overcome large obstacles.

I don't know if you will end up ending the marriage or getting back together, nor is that what I am encouraging you to solve right now. I'm encouraging you to solve the "trapped" feeling. Until you do, it will be hard for you to decide what your "true" feelings are. For now feeling trapped its as if you are in jail and there are no alternatives - you don't look for them. I assume you have probably fallen into the "hope for the best" category, hope that he will eventually decide to clean his act up. Hope that he will stop drinking. Hope that he will see the light. That you are here and discussing your situation is a good sign that you realize this isn't a situation you can stay in as is.

You and your husband are in a game of chicken, and he is winning. Who is going to swerve and avoid the oncoming car? So far its been you.

P.S. Secrecy, lies and deception are hallmarks of alcoholic relationships. That you are "hiding" his problem, and hiding your own circumstances, are hallmark codependent and enabling behaviors. Another strike in your husband's favor, and one in which you participate. It is tiring to live a lie. Its VERY isolating, as you have described. Why do you think you have hidden this from your close friends I am curious? Do you not want them to think badly of your husband? Sometimes when we live a lie its a form of denial, and a way to not to have to address our issues.
redatlanta is offline  
Old 06-25-2016, 05:06 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,371
So I think the plan for him may be keep status quo as long as possible,
then when the crap hits the fan, to have public sentiment on his side, yes?

Selling the business, or better yet, having him buy you out and start the
process of separation is one option.
Only you can know if that is right for you, but if you've had enough,
and it sounds like you have, getting the ball rolling while he still appears
to be functioning (because you are right, it won't last, and from what
you've said, it already is getting worse as he's on the hard stuff,
getting meaner, threatening suicide, etc.) is to your advantage
in that he will keep up the act and you can hopefully get you share
of assets and not lose all you've worked for over your lifetime.

I know this sounds drastic, so please take it with a grain of salt.
What I can tell you growing up with a progressive alcoholic mother
and becoming once myself, as well as an enabler to both her and now
my husband, is that it won't get better and it can get worse really quickly.

You know that from reading here.
You also know that you are "wired" from growing up with a drinking mother
to fix things, and to consider this role you are playing as normal and necessary,
so there is nothing to be ashamed of in staying so long.
That's what we were taught to do as children, as women, and as loving people
who love the drinkers in our lives.

But girlfriend, you really have to begin to look out for number one here.
You've been helping him hide the disease to the point of hiding the fact
you've moved out, and now you will look to others like you are being
unkind and totally unfair by "leaving him" and filing for divorce.
But that's what I'd do in your place.

He's made it clear he chooses drink over the relationship and now
the business you share, and he's counting on your co-dependent patterns
and public opinion to keep you in line and keep his ability to drink and be
a "terrific guy" to the public going.

Have you thought about, or are you willing to consider finding the best
divorce lawyer in your area and finding out your options?
You don't have to act, but you should know what is possible to protect yourself
because he clearly doesn't have you back, but is constructing a persona
which will make it harder and harder for you to say the truth and be believed.
It isn't your obligation to live a lie to keep him drinking.

Even legal separation may shake him out of his complacenty--who knows?
But from this one posting, it is clear you are very unhappy and don't feel safe
with your partner while he's drinking.
That's no way to enjoy your golden years.
Hugs--loving them sometimes just isn't enough to build a life on.
Hawkeye13 is offline  
Old 06-25-2016, 09:06 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've gotten great feedback here, so I'll confine my comments to the incident with the gun. I've worked in the DV field for a long time, and suicidality, abuse, and access to a gun, along with active alcoholism, are a lethal combination.

Along with everything else you are mulling over, I strongly suggest you contact your local women's shelter or the National DV hotline and talk with an advocate about safety concerns. Nobody will make you report anything or do anything you don't want to do or aren't ready to do, but they can help you get a realistic picture of any risks that you may face and offer safety planning and other suggestions that can help keep you safe during this period of time when things are in flux.

Hugs,
LexieCat is offline  
Old 06-27-2016, 09:46 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BettyRubble99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 18
Friends, I had a weekend getaway (much needed) but have been reading all of your replies, comments, thoughts. I am digesting your input and appreciate each and every one who took the time to share ESH with me. I will simply add I saw AH today and I find everything about him intoxicating. He is my addiction, truly. Feeling there is not much hope at the moment, but tomorrow's another day (if you believe Scarlett O'Hara...haha).
BettyRubble99 is offline  
Old 06-27-2016, 10:09 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Sometimes I feel that if something is that intoxicating it is toxic enough to kill you. Sometimes it is hard to differentiate between brain and heart, and heart and brain. I really don't know what went on with you and your AH. I'm just going to say that we are always here.

(((((hugs)))))
amy
amy55 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:20 AM.