I did order some books to help me search the other day. I also bought a cheap watch as a one year sobriety gift to remind me to make better use of my time now that I don't drink. So I will have to plan something. Last summer I got offered a job in a nice town nearby but I stayed in school because my brother convinced me. I told everyone I was empty and just needed to do what I wanted to do.
I guess I have never been treated so poorly and I wonder why I allowed someone to hurt me. But mental illness is scary and mix it with alcoholism, blacking out, etc. I just feel burned out I guess and my job now allows me to save a little money but not much. Should no contact help me heal from the relationship? I feel dirty and polluted and that I will be alone forever. It is like I am tainted and I do not feel comfortable in my own skin because I was so violated and abused.
I don't know. On this day last year I was drunk and here I am a year later and one year sober.
I must still have some strength and resilience right? I need to clean and read and research some options. I always wanted to get a phd but I feel like i will have to explain my revovery and my abusive relationship and I just feel embarrassed. A doctor told me to get an hiv test when I got this virus down there. I just kind of went into shock. It sucks and I feel so abused and humiliated. I hate this woman. If she ever bothers me again I may lose it.
So, I need to take positive steps. Cleaning and then go exercise. I just felt better before I met this person. It is like they took over my life.
One year sober and I need to remind myself I am 30 and still have time to write, teach, and dream.
I guess my loneliness and feeling worthless kept me in the abusive relationship so I will work on those issues.
At least I am sober. A month ago this woman tried jumping out of a moving car and I was horrified. I suppose it takes time to heal from that kind of trauma. I will focus on healing.