Hanging out in bars
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 46
I know exactly what you mean. I still go to bars and drink , I know damn well that if I ordered a non alcoholic drink they would all look at me like I'm crazy , even though I know damn well that most of the people I drink with have drinking problems. But really well done on a year sober! 
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Acheleus 
...Positives! Almost a year sober and one month out of an unhealthy, abusive relationship. Things could be much worse if I was drinking. Right? 👿😬
Back in 2008 the housing crash I was drowning in debt but I didn`t pick up a drink. Got knocked to the ground. No blame. I didn't do the homework and paid the price.
Sounds like your going through a particularly hard time but let me tell you what someone told back in 2008, "Did you pick up a drink? No? Well, then you`re fine."
I got that because and no matter how I might spin things in my head I can never convince myself that I`m not better off in sobriety than when I was drinking.
Keep your sobriety things will change. Might take a while and a lot of effort but you can`t do the footwork if you`re drinking.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
I encountered the after-work bar thing a couple weeks ago, on an out-of-town work trip. Really the first time in many years, since towards the end of my drinking days I didn't go to bars, I drank at home. Previous bar trips since I quit drinking, only a few of them, were large advertised events, but this was three of us and the other two people were drinking pretty quickly and putting on a buzz.
I noticed a couple things. One, I had no desire at all to drink, but two, I quickly felt out of place, particularly after the other folks started becoming obviously buzzed. Not quite superior, but I did start to get annoyed by the drunkenness, and found myself wanting to leave early (which I did) - not out of fear of drinking, but just because I felt like an outsider, a stranger in a strange annoying land.
These events do come up, and sometimes there is business value in tagging along because you get an opportunity to talk to colleagues (at least for a little while, before they get drunk!) in a social setting, so I'm glad I have no fear of them anymore. I would not have gone at all 4-5 years ago, but now it doesn't bother me except in annoyance and feeling like I have to go for business relationship reasons. Fortunately I'm only spending time there on/off over the summer, so it will only come up a few more times.
I noticed a couple things. One, I had no desire at all to drink, but two, I quickly felt out of place, particularly after the other folks started becoming obviously buzzed. Not quite superior, but I did start to get annoyed by the drunkenness, and found myself wanting to leave early (which I did) - not out of fear of drinking, but just because I felt like an outsider, a stranger in a strange annoying land.
These events do come up, and sometimes there is business value in tagging along because you get an opportunity to talk to colleagues (at least for a little while, before they get drunk!) in a social setting, so I'm glad I have no fear of them anymore. I would not have gone at all 4-5 years ago, but now it doesn't bother me except in annoyance and feeling like I have to go for business relationship reasons. Fortunately I'm only spending time there on/off over the summer, so it will only come up a few more times.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
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Originally Posted by Acheleus
It bothers them that I don't drink.
Hang in, don't go with them, or go infrequently, tell white lies about why you aren't drinking if you need to - whatever it takes to stay sober. One year, right?! Do not risk losing that over this or them.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,225
archeleus it can stink. I had and sitll have stuggles intereacting with other people. I'd swear it said gullible idiot on my forhead because everyone just automatically assumed that when intereacting with me and took that stance. As an adult i swear i've been treaded like a child so many times as an adult by other adults because they talk down to me condscendingly etc.. and so on.
Like you said no one taught me how to live. no one taught me how to intereact and such. I was denyed that propert growth as a child with overbearing abusive parents.
So when i got sober it was liek a wtf fest. with many of the same feelings you got going on.
Ya know at a year sober i felt like a lost puppy. i struggled to intereact everyone kept shitting on me. I didnt know what direction i was headed in or gonna head in. I was scared. But it was also exciting knowing that while i didint know what direction i was headed in the fact that i could head in any direction i wanted and expiereience life free from addiction and what others thought of me etc..
It'll get easier. I agree with everyone else stay out of the bars. it was easy for me i was never into going otu with co workers anywhere let alone a bar so it was simple in my case. besides bars are too expensive anyhow.
Like you said no one taught me how to live. no one taught me how to intereact and such. I was denyed that propert growth as a child with overbearing abusive parents.
So when i got sober it was liek a wtf fest. with many of the same feelings you got going on.
Ya know at a year sober i felt like a lost puppy. i struggled to intereact everyone kept shitting on me. I didnt know what direction i was headed in or gonna head in. I was scared. But it was also exciting knowing that while i didint know what direction i was headed in the fact that i could head in any direction i wanted and expiereience life free from addiction and what others thought of me etc..
It'll get easier. I agree with everyone else stay out of the bars. it was easy for me i was never into going otu with co workers anywhere let alone a bar so it was simple in my case. besides bars are too expensive anyhow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
My sobriety date is June 16th. I guess I just have a lot of regrets about the decisions I made in early sobriety. An abusive relationship that I stayed in just became worse and worse. I entered another school immediately after finishing a degree and gaining teaching experience.
Why the hell didn't I just get a teaching job and focus on my own growth?
I really hate where I live. I didn't even plan the school application process I just went at it like I did everything else in my life until I got sober...chaotically.
The ending of the relationship is difficult because I was dependent on that person and I just have no one in my life to help me. No one even said good morning to me at work, but maybe that is because it is Monday.
I just felt better before I got into this relationship and moved and on and on. I don't know what to do but I do know that I am not where I am supposed to be. It just feels wrong. When I was teaching it was difficult to confront my alcoholism but I loved teaching. My ex didn't share any of my interests and we had nothing in common except alcoholism.
I just feel like I ruined my life. "Oh yea, I will marry this person and we will live happily ever after." Yea, right.
She started hanging out with other men, kissing them, drinking, sleeping with them. I got burned and tried to get out and I still went back. I think she wants me to be miserable. I think she is seriously mentally ill and evil. If she came near me I would call the police.
So I'm lost and confused. I don't know who to ask for help at work. I will go ask someone for something to do.
Why the hell didn't I just get a teaching job and focus on my own growth?
I really hate where I live. I didn't even plan the school application process I just went at it like I did everything else in my life until I got sober...chaotically.
The ending of the relationship is difficult because I was dependent on that person and I just have no one in my life to help me. No one even said good morning to me at work, but maybe that is because it is Monday.
I just felt better before I got into this relationship and moved and on and on. I don't know what to do but I do know that I am not where I am supposed to be. It just feels wrong. When I was teaching it was difficult to confront my alcoholism but I loved teaching. My ex didn't share any of my interests and we had nothing in common except alcoholism.
I just feel like I ruined my life. "Oh yea, I will marry this person and we will live happily ever after." Yea, right.
She started hanging out with other men, kissing them, drinking, sleeping with them. I got burned and tried to get out and I still went back. I think she wants me to be miserable. I think she is seriously mentally ill and evil. If she came near me I would call the police.
So I'm lost and confused. I don't know who to ask for help at work. I will go ask someone for something to do.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,225
I really hate where I live. I didn't even plan the school application process I just went at it like I did everything else in my life until I got sober...chaotically.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
achelus, what im reading ya typin about very well could have solutions in the program.
have you worked the steps?
wheres your HP in all this?
heres something I suggest:
quit kikin yerself in the arse. ya made mistakes. yer human and will make mistakes just like the rest of us, which theres solutions for.
it is said our past is a very valuable possession we have. lots of lessons of what does and doesn't work.
this is all going to be a part of your valuable possession.
so, how bout them steps?
how bout that HP?
have you worked the steps?
wheres your HP in all this?
heres something I suggest:
quit kikin yerself in the arse. ya made mistakes. yer human and will make mistakes just like the rest of us, which theres solutions for.
it is said our past is a very valuable possession we have. lots of lessons of what does and doesn't work.
this is all going to be a part of your valuable possession.
so, how bout them steps?
how bout that HP?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I did work steps 1-9 with my first sponsor. He was awesome, young in the program but I could relate to him and he was a decent human being.
Since I moved from where I was living when I first entered AA I have not connected with anyone here. AA was much more vibrant and diverse in my old place, but here it is just...I don't know. It is not the same and I have a difficult time connecting with people.
If I got out of this place and moved somewhere that wasn't god awful I would feel better about working the steps. I don't know who I could work the steps with because my sponsor is always gone off doing something.
I am very close to drinking though I will admit it. I don't want to drink but I just sit around and dwell on my mistakes.
I will attend a meeting after work and ask someone to sponsor me and take me through the steps. Yesterday I talked on the phone with a young guy with some time in the program and we could relate to different things. He said he still made mistakes in sobriety and that he still did stupid stuff even though he was sober.
I did stupid stuff sober. I just need to accept that and get on with my life.
Since I moved from where I was living when I first entered AA I have not connected with anyone here. AA was much more vibrant and diverse in my old place, but here it is just...I don't know. It is not the same and I have a difficult time connecting with people.
If I got out of this place and moved somewhere that wasn't god awful I would feel better about working the steps. I don't know who I could work the steps with because my sponsor is always gone off doing something.
I am very close to drinking though I will admit it. I don't want to drink but I just sit around and dwell on my mistakes.
I will attend a meeting after work and ask someone to sponsor me and take me through the steps. Yesterday I talked on the phone with a young guy with some time in the program and we could relate to different things. He said he still made mistakes in sobriety and that he still did stupid stuff even though he was sober.
I did stupid stuff sober. I just need to accept that and get on with my life.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,901
Ever heard the phrase Tilting at Windmills? Thinking of these people as the things you need to overcome is misdirection of effort. The people you describe sound awful. Rather than dwelling in the problem and swimming around in a swill of resentment, why not be grateful that, as you get better and move from your alcoholic perspective, you have realised these people are not healthy and that you can move on from them, and people that behave like them.
You can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition being that you trust in your Higher Power and you clean house. Those people may be at fault in many ways, but that is no longer any concern of yours - arguments and dwelling on others inventories really, truly are best avoided. Not to spare them your wrath, but to spare YOU the pain that resentments and self pity will cause you to feel. Your recovery is not dependent on other people, but on your relationship with your Higher Power. When we are spiritually fit, we can do all kinds of things that alcoholics aren't supposed to do, as long as we have a legitimate reason for being in a place where people are drinking. But, while you are still spiritual sick, or out of balance, it's probably wiser and safer to not put yourself in the way of temptation.
You mentioned reading and playing music. Why not get online and find a book club (or start one if there isn't one in your area). There are probably bands that you could get involved with as well, even if just at a local church or similar. These things aren't going to come looking for us. We are responsible for our own growth, and if we want to take opportunities we have to go out of our way to find them.
You can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition being that you trust in your Higher Power and you clean house. Those people may be at fault in many ways, but that is no longer any concern of yours - arguments and dwelling on others inventories really, truly are best avoided. Not to spare them your wrath, but to spare YOU the pain that resentments and self pity will cause you to feel. Your recovery is not dependent on other people, but on your relationship with your Higher Power. When we are spiritually fit, we can do all kinds of things that alcoholics aren't supposed to do, as long as we have a legitimate reason for being in a place where people are drinking. But, while you are still spiritual sick, or out of balance, it's probably wiser and safer to not put yourself in the way of temptation.
You mentioned reading and playing music. Why not get online and find a book club (or start one if there isn't one in your area). There are probably bands that you could get involved with as well, even if just at a local church or similar. These things aren't going to come looking for us. We are responsible for our own growth, and if we want to take opportunities we have to go out of our way to find them.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welp, the steps aren't 1 and done, as in this part of step 12
and practice these priniciples in all our affairs.
don't need a sponsor or new location to work the steps.
putting stipulations on what will help with working the steps, as in
If I got out of this place and moved somewhere that wasn't god awful I would feel better about working the steps
is a copout, don't you think?
don't you think that's blaming something that isn't at fault? don't YOU have a HUGE part in all of this?
it doesn't matter where I go or who im around, I can be happy,joyous, and free because its all an inside job.
im reading a LOT of what can be explained in the big book starting at the bottom of page 60.
I sure hope you decide to not wait until you move to get back into action with the program.
rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.
and practice these priniciples in all our affairs.
don't need a sponsor or new location to work the steps.
putting stipulations on what will help with working the steps, as in
If I got out of this place and moved somewhere that wasn't god awful I would feel better about working the steps
is a copout, don't you think?
don't you think that's blaming something that isn't at fault? don't YOU have a HUGE part in all of this?
it doesn't matter where I go or who im around, I can be happy,joyous, and free because its all an inside job.
im reading a LOT of what can be explained in the big book starting at the bottom of page 60.
I sure hope you decide to not wait until you move to get back into action with the program.
rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Bottom of 60. Heading to 8 oclock meeting.
Yes, it is a cop out. I have just been overwhelmed and I put too much on myself. But having a gf treat you like garbage when you already feel unlovable, etc, is difficult.
So yes I am going to take some action.
Thanks for your help. I think being close to a year makes me nervous. This is not easy.
Yes, it is a cop out. I have just been overwhelmed and I put too much on myself. But having a gf treat you like garbage when you already feel unlovable, etc, is difficult.
So yes I am going to take some action.
Thanks for your help. I think being close to a year makes me nervous. This is not easy.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I cant tell you how many times ive been overwhelmed myself. I was diagnosed stage 3 metastatic melanoma 13 months into recovery.
I had MANY situations I started at step 1,heres 1 of em:
had just been to my oncologist to get results of a PET scan. doc said the cancer was spreading subcutaneously( under the skin) across my upper left chest and I had 8 tumors subcutaneously on my back and was going to have to start a seriously serious regimen of chemo that was going to be very hard on me.. this after 2 serious surgeries to carve out a crapton of the cancer and a failed clinical trial.
so, it was a 150 ish mile ride back home. by myself and no cell phone to call anyone. I was overwhelmed and scrared crapless.
so I started, during the ride, at step 1.
it only took about 45 minutes and I saw the fear- I wasn't afraid of dieing- it was the timing. plus I was all " poor me I wont be able to do what I wan"t and a bunch of other character defects and shortcomings comin into play.
an hour into the ride I was at peace. I was ok with everything. i put it in Gods hands and turned my attention to something more useful. what would that be in a car with another hour of driving?
welp, i decided i was gonna see just what kinda stations were on the AM dial. that's what we had before all this xm radio and stuff, just in case any younger people reading this are wonderin what AM is!LOLOLOL
something i was told a long time ago and completely forgot until that ride:
rules to live by:
1) don't sweat the small stuff.
2) it can all be small stuff to someone else
3) if ya cant run and ya cant hide, go with the flow.
oh, i also remembered there aint much on the AM dial.
I had MANY situations I started at step 1,heres 1 of em:
had just been to my oncologist to get results of a PET scan. doc said the cancer was spreading subcutaneously( under the skin) across my upper left chest and I had 8 tumors subcutaneously on my back and was going to have to start a seriously serious regimen of chemo that was going to be very hard on me.. this after 2 serious surgeries to carve out a crapton of the cancer and a failed clinical trial.
so, it was a 150 ish mile ride back home. by myself and no cell phone to call anyone. I was overwhelmed and scrared crapless.
so I started, during the ride, at step 1.
it only took about 45 minutes and I saw the fear- I wasn't afraid of dieing- it was the timing. plus I was all " poor me I wont be able to do what I wan"t and a bunch of other character defects and shortcomings comin into play.
an hour into the ride I was at peace. I was ok with everything. i put it in Gods hands and turned my attention to something more useful. what would that be in a car with another hour of driving?
welp, i decided i was gonna see just what kinda stations were on the AM dial. that's what we had before all this xm radio and stuff, just in case any younger people reading this are wonderin what AM is!LOLOLOL
something i was told a long time ago and completely forgot until that ride:
rules to live by:
1) don't sweat the small stuff.
2) it can all be small stuff to someone else
3) if ya cant run and ya cant hide, go with the flow.
oh, i also remembered there aint much on the AM dial.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I feel very...selfish now. "We invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."
That is what I did in this relationship. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It has been difficult to get outside of myself but I had to get away from my abusive relationship because I could not think clearly and also have contact with this person.
I think I have been depressed about making too many big decisions when I first entered recovery. My counselor told me to not get into a relationship and I stayed with the person anyway. Today I want to just relax and read. At my home I do not feel comfortable or safe. I don't know what it is but I just can't relax because I feel so worried and scared all the time.
FEAR!
I drank to escape the fear. Now, I have to sit in the fear and accept it for what is. Now that I am not in a chaotic relationship I am beginning to feel better. I just wish I had escaped sooner. The regret.
But I am sober and I am going to get some sleep tonight! I worked today. Even if it is a temporary job I am still getting a paycheck. I am grateful.
That is what I did in this relationship. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It has been difficult to get outside of myself but I had to get away from my abusive relationship because I could not think clearly and also have contact with this person.
I think I have been depressed about making too many big decisions when I first entered recovery. My counselor told me to not get into a relationship and I stayed with the person anyway. Today I want to just relax and read. At my home I do not feel comfortable or safe. I don't know what it is but I just can't relax because I feel so worried and scared all the time.
FEAR!
I drank to escape the fear. Now, I have to sit in the fear and accept it for what is. Now that I am not in a chaotic relationship I am beginning to feel better. I just wish I had escaped sooner. The regret.
But I am sober and I am going to get some sleep tonight! I worked today. Even if it is a temporary job I am still getting a paycheck. I am grateful.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 12,910
Hi Acheleus,
First, congrats on almost a year sober!!! When is your one year anniversary?
Do you have a temporary teaching job right now? What do you teach? Have you been looking for positions for the upcoming school year?
Sounds like you have lots going on right now. It is great that you are still going to meetings.
The idea of a book club sounds good, or take a class, join a running club... Anything that will get you out and involved with other people.
Also, you have a whole community of people who care about you on SR. We may be a virtual group, but we are kind, concerned, and someone is here 24/7!!
First, congrats on almost a year sober!!! When is your one year anniversary?
Do you have a temporary teaching job right now? What do you teach? Have you been looking for positions for the upcoming school year?
Sounds like you have lots going on right now. It is great that you are still going to meetings.
The idea of a book club sounds good, or take a class, join a running club... Anything that will get you out and involved with other people.
Also, you have a whole community of people who care about you on SR. We may be a virtual group, but we are kind, concerned, and someone is here 24/7!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I drank to escape the fear. Now, I have to sit in the fear and accept it for what is. Now that I am not in a chaotic relationship I am beginning to feel better. I just wish I had escaped sooner. The regret."
welp, i think theres solution for this in the program. ya don't have to sit in fear and let it control ya.
pg 67 starts some really good stuff on the 4th step fear inventory( did ya dio a resentment,fear, and sex inventory first time through the steps?).
one of my favorite lines from the BB:
We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
regrets suck, but theres solutions!
the tenth step promises tell us
we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
if i forget the past ill repeat it.
if i regret it ill get drunk.
notice that that is part of the tenth step promises- some of the promises that will happen at that phase of our development, which means we have been painstaking with steps 1-9 and the promises of steps 1-9 have started happening.
welp, i think theres solution for this in the program. ya don't have to sit in fear and let it control ya.
pg 67 starts some really good stuff on the 4th step fear inventory( did ya dio a resentment,fear, and sex inventory first time through the steps?).
one of my favorite lines from the BB:
We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
regrets suck, but theres solutions!
the tenth step promises tell us
we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
if i forget the past ill repeat it.
if i regret it ill get drunk.
notice that that is part of the tenth step promises- some of the promises that will happen at that phase of our development, which means we have been painstaking with steps 1-9 and the promises of steps 1-9 have started happening.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I did write a thorough inventory during my first trip through steps 1-9.
Today I have been thinking about my experiences and I think I was trying to get everything I wanted from one source, that source being my unhealthy relationship.
When I first met her I knew she needed help but I didn't know what to do. She treated me with disdain but I did notice that I stayed with her because I loved her. I never knew why. Maybe I confuse pity and love, I don't know.
Today, however, I think I just got into a relationship instead of trying to truly look at myself and recover from years of active alcoholism. Tomorrow I will be one year sober and I don't feel happy or excited. It feels like I have so much work to do that I get an overwhelming desire to (you guessed it) drink.
So I have to go home, clean, and treat myself like a person who deserves to live in a clean place. Without my ex I feel terrible. Why? I'm sober, alone, and scared. But I can learn to get better.
Maybe I am just losing my mind and I don't know how to get healthy again. I feel like the Cheshire cat from Alice.
Today I have been thinking about my experiences and I think I was trying to get everything I wanted from one source, that source being my unhealthy relationship.
When I first met her I knew she needed help but I didn't know what to do. She treated me with disdain but I did notice that I stayed with her because I loved her. I never knew why. Maybe I confuse pity and love, I don't know.
Today, however, I think I just got into a relationship instead of trying to truly look at myself and recover from years of active alcoholism. Tomorrow I will be one year sober and I don't feel happy or excited. It feels like I have so much work to do that I get an overwhelming desire to (you guessed it) drink.
So I have to go home, clean, and treat myself like a person who deserves to live in a clean place. Without my ex I feel terrible. Why? I'm sober, alone, and scared. But I can learn to get better.
Maybe I am just losing my mind and I don't know how to get healthy again. I feel like the Cheshire cat from Alice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
No, Delilah, I wish I was teaching. I should be teaching but I went to school AGAIN...not phd.. a different degree..
except my ex gave me an std and I thought I had hiv and I was scared. She started drinking and blacking out and cheating and drinking.
AHHHH!!
I just cannot believe what happened to me.
I do want to leave this horrible place and get back to teaching. I miss researching and teaching. I was finding my happiness, getting sober, and I met the devil. OH well.
Never too late to be who we really are, right?
except my ex gave me an std and I thought I had hiv and I was scared. She started drinking and blacking out and cheating and drinking.
AHHHH!!
I just cannot believe what happened to me.
I do want to leave this horrible place and get back to teaching. I miss researching and teaching. I was finding my happiness, getting sober, and I met the devil. OH well.
Never too late to be who we really are, right?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Acheleus
I do want to leave this horrible place and get back to teaching. I miss researching and teaching. ?
Take small steps - and think of what you CAN do to help you achieve your goal. Obviously sobriety and therapy/dealing with your past will still be necessary as you need to get over the obsession/trauma of your past relationship. And you must make that a priority. But there is certainly time to at least explore job opportunities or volunteer/student teaching opportunities. Doesn't mean you have to actually move and take a job tomorrow, but no harm in starting to look right? You may find that it helps you move forward from the obsession over your old relationship and onto more positive things.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I did order some books to help me search the other day. I also bought a cheap watch as a one year sobriety gift to remind me to make better use of my time now that I don't drink. So I will have to plan something. Last summer I got offered a job in a nice town nearby but I stayed in school because my brother convinced me. I told everyone I was empty and just needed to do what I wanted to do.
I guess I have never been treated so poorly and I wonder why I allowed someone to hurt me. But mental illness is scary and mix it with alcoholism, blacking out, etc. I just feel burned out I guess and my job now allows me to save a little money but not much. Should no contact help me heal from the relationship? I feel dirty and polluted and that I will be alone forever. It is like I am tainted and I do not feel comfortable in my own skin because I was so violated and abused.
I don't know. On this day last year I was drunk and here I am a year later and one year sober.
I must still have some strength and resilience right? I need to clean and read and research some options. I always wanted to get a phd but I feel like i will have to explain my revovery and my abusive relationship and I just feel embarrassed. A doctor told me to get an hiv test when I got this virus down there. I just kind of went into shock. It sucks and I feel so abused and humiliated. I hate this woman. If she ever bothers me again I may lose it.
So, I need to take positive steps. Cleaning and then go exercise. I just felt better before I met this person. It is like they took over my life.
One year sober and I need to remind myself I am 30 and still have time to write, teach, and dream.
I guess my loneliness and feeling worthless kept me in the abusive relationship so I will work on those issues.
At least I am sober. A month ago this woman tried jumping out of a moving car and I was horrified. I suppose it takes time to heal from that kind of trauma. I will focus on healing.
I guess I have never been treated so poorly and I wonder why I allowed someone to hurt me. But mental illness is scary and mix it with alcoholism, blacking out, etc. I just feel burned out I guess and my job now allows me to save a little money but not much. Should no contact help me heal from the relationship? I feel dirty and polluted and that I will be alone forever. It is like I am tainted and I do not feel comfortable in my own skin because I was so violated and abused.
I don't know. On this day last year I was drunk and here I am a year later and one year sober.
I must still have some strength and resilience right? I need to clean and read and research some options. I always wanted to get a phd but I feel like i will have to explain my revovery and my abusive relationship and I just feel embarrassed. A doctor told me to get an hiv test when I got this virus down there. I just kind of went into shock. It sucks and I feel so abused and humiliated. I hate this woman. If she ever bothers me again I may lose it.
So, I need to take positive steps. Cleaning and then go exercise. I just felt better before I met this person. It is like they took over my life.
One year sober and I need to remind myself I am 30 and still have time to write, teach, and dream.
I guess my loneliness and feeling worthless kept me in the abusive relationship so I will work on those issues.
At least I am sober. A month ago this woman tried jumping out of a moving car and I was horrified. I suppose it takes time to heal from that kind of trauma. I will focus on healing.
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