I did write a thorough inventory during my first trip through steps 1-9.
Today I have been thinking about my experiences and I think I was trying to get everything I wanted from one source, that source being my unhealthy relationship.
When I first met her I knew she needed help but I didn't know what to do. She treated me with disdain but I did notice that I stayed with her because I loved her. I never knew why. Maybe I confuse pity and love, I don't know.
Today, however, I think I just got into a relationship instead of trying to truly look at myself and recover from years of active alcoholism. Tomorrow I will be one year sober and I don't feel happy or excited. It feels like I have so much work to do that I get an overwhelming desire to (you guessed it) drink.
So I have to go home, clean, and treat myself like a person who deserves to live in a clean place. Without my ex I feel terrible. Why? I'm sober, alone, and scared. But I can learn to get better.
Maybe I am just losing my mind and I don't know how to get healthy again. I feel like the Cheshire cat from Alice.