Originally Posted by
Frickaflip233 
Hi Pearlady
Congrats on 3 days!
Being in a relationship with another alcoholic and trying to get sober is pretty tough. Its good that you do have some distance right now. Is he someone you really see a future with? That's not a loaded question btw, just wondering.
Yes I am codependent. Does it trigger my drinking? Yes...and, no. When I am in a codependent relationship and I'm not totally aware of what is going on? (I love me a good Narcissist so sometimes I'm being carefully manipulated) Then yes. My codependency manifests in different ways. But usually its me losing myself completely to the needs of another person. Obsessing on the relationship. Basically I'm addicted to the person. Then I expect them to magically fulfill my needs without actually expressing them (which with men is a losing battle). When they don't, I resent them. Quietly. And continue to do more for them, lose myself more until I have no idea what's happening and I drink. And relationships that are going in this direction, which is usually not a positive one, trigger my PTSD. Once that happens (and its only happened once) its off to Madhatter town.
Boundaries. Not compromising my values. Communication. Taking care of me. I allow people to mistreat me. I'm not a victim. If I don't feel loved and valued I must have the strength to leave the relationship...not lose myself more to 'make it' into something its not.
Don't know if that is anything you relate to. Take care of you and your recovery. If he cares, he will support you and understand that your recovery is priority 1. Hang in there. Don't drink.
I can relate to the patterns that you expressed. Up to this point, we have always talked about marriage and a future together. We have been very happy. Our relationship was so connected and full of love and friendship. But recently we have been going through a rough period. When his dad became ill and passed away recently, he relapsed. He drank 'moderately' for a while, until he couldn't. Y'all know what I mean. Then he got into some other substances too rather than dealing with the grief. When that started happening, my codependent instincts went into overdrive. I have always been his biggest cheerleader. Believing in him but my cheerleading transitioned to obsessing over his using/drinking. And being a dormant alcoholic ( I wasn't drinking alcoholically for a long time), the stress of everything started getting to me and it was kind of just easier for me to drink too much with him.
The number one reason why I am seeking recovery is because when I drink I cannot establish and maintain boundaries, I cannot hold to my morals, I cannot make good judgments.
I am 7 days sober and I have been going to AA. Focusing on my recovery, has helped me to detach from my codependency a great deal lately. I don't know what will happen with my boyfriend. I want to be with him but I realize that his recovery is his to deal with and it is yet to be determined if we can maintain our relationship without both of us seeking recovery.