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How to explain that you are entering recovery

Old 06-03-2016, 01:20 PM
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How to explain that you are entering recovery

Hello all

I am 3 days sober and attended my first AA meeting last night with the actual intent of stopping drinking. I am honest with myself and truly want to recover.

As I have said on other places I have posted, I am in a long term relationship with a fellow Alcoholic. He has been in recovery before but is currently in relapse.

We currently live in different cities due to work related things so I am not worried about being triggered by his habits during the week. We only see one another weekends right now. And this weekend we won't be seeing one another.

Anyway, I haven't discussed with him yet that I am entering recovery. How do I explain it to him?

Also, I am codependent so those tendencies trigger my drinking. Does anyone have any good resources on how to temper codependency?

My codependency is a direct threat to my recovery. Can anyone relate?
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Old 06-03-2016, 01:30 PM
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Once you are a few months sober, you might want to check out Al Anon.
In the interim, I recommend that you read that book:
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
First thing first: put your oxygen mask on first and take care of you and remember you can achieve and maintain sobriety whether your loved ones are still in active addiction or not.

You can do it!
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Old 06-03-2016, 01:34 PM
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[QUOTE
First thing first: put your oxygen mask on first and take care of you and remember you can achieve and maintain sobriety whether your loved ones are still in active addiction or not.

You can do it![/QUOTE]


That is a brilliant quote Carlotta. I hadn't thought of it that way. thank you for the support. I will check out the book.
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Old 06-03-2016, 01:59 PM
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Hi Pearlady

Congrats on 3 days!

Being in a relationship with another alcoholic and trying to get sober is pretty tough. Its good that you do have some distance right now. Is he someone you really see a future with? That's not a loaded question btw, just wondering.

Yes I am codependent. Does it trigger my drinking? Yes...and, no. When I am in a codependent relationship and I'm not totally aware of what is going on? (I love me a good Narcissist so sometimes I'm being carefully manipulated) Then yes. My codependency manifests in different ways. But usually its me losing myself completely to the needs of another person. Obsessing on the relationship. Basically I'm addicted to the person. Then I expect them to magically fulfill my needs without actually expressing them (which with men is a losing battle). When they don't, I resent them. Quietly. And continue to do more for them, lose myself more until I have no idea what's happening and I drink. And relationships that are going in this direction, which is usually not a positive one, trigger my PTSD. Once that happens (and its only happened once) its off to Madhatter town.

Boundaries. Not compromising my values. Communication. Taking care of me. I allow people to mistreat me. I'm not a victim. If I don't feel loved and valued I must have the strength to leave the relationship...not lose myself more to 'make it' into something its not.

Don't know if that is anything you relate to. Take care of you and your recovery. If he cares, he will support you and understand that your recovery is priority 1. Hang in there. Don't drink.
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Old 06-03-2016, 02:10 PM
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Congrats on 3 days. I don't think you need to get all that complicated really, just tell him the truth like you just told us. "I am an alcoholic and i'm starting my recover" should be quite sufficient. If he's been in recovery before himself he will know exactly what you meant.
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Old 06-03-2016, 02:17 PM
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Hi, and congrats on Day 3.

I'm co dependent too. And an alcoholic. I'm sober. My husband isn't. You absolutely can get sober for yourself. The last time I quit I just said "I'm done." No big announcements. And then I stuck with it, regardless of what my husband was doing.

That's where the co-dependence comes in because I want to fix, manage and control what he's doing. I've had to work on only taking care of my own stuff. It's hard, but doable and I wish you well.
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Old 06-03-2016, 03:47 PM
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I think keeping it low-key is a good idea. And, three days of sobriety is great!
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Old 06-03-2016, 03:51 PM
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I agree with keeping it low-key. You can share all you want when you're ready - but for now, be a bit selfish & concentrate on your recovery. Congrats on your Day 3.
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Old 06-03-2016, 04:28 PM
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Well I m not sure I recommend my approach ... but I said nothing ... on payday when I KNEW he would go and buy my alcohol I told him not to buy any ... slowly he realised I was not drinking ... my hubby has cut down significantly ... our marriage is in no way fantastic... but it is my recovery .. not his ... I just stopped... after tapering for EVER ... so he did realise I was cutting down for consumption I guess ... nearly 4 years sober here ... good luck ...and "Codependency No More" ... a definite read .. I have it electronically on all my electronic devices so I can read it when ever I want to ....
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Old 06-06-2016, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 View Post
Hi Pearlady

Congrats on 3 days!

Being in a relationship with another alcoholic and trying to get sober is pretty tough. Its good that you do have some distance right now. Is he someone you really see a future with? That's not a loaded question btw, just wondering.

Yes I am codependent. Does it trigger my drinking? Yes...and, no. When I am in a codependent relationship and I'm not totally aware of what is going on? (I love me a good Narcissist so sometimes I'm being carefully manipulated) Then yes. My codependency manifests in different ways. But usually its me losing myself completely to the needs of another person. Obsessing on the relationship. Basically I'm addicted to the person. Then I expect them to magically fulfill my needs without actually expressing them (which with men is a losing battle). When they don't, I resent them. Quietly. And continue to do more for them, lose myself more until I have no idea what's happening and I drink. And relationships that are going in this direction, which is usually not a positive one, trigger my PTSD. Once that happens (and its only happened once) its off to Madhatter town.

Boundaries. Not compromising my values. Communication. Taking care of me. I allow people to mistreat me. I'm not a victim. If I don't feel loved and valued I must have the strength to leave the relationship...not lose myself more to 'make it' into something its not.

Don't know if that is anything you relate to. Take care of you and your recovery. If he cares, he will support you and understand that your recovery is priority 1. Hang in there. Don't drink.

I can relate to the patterns that you expressed. Up to this point, we have always talked about marriage and a future together. We have been very happy. Our relationship was so connected and full of love and friendship. But recently we have been going through a rough period. When his dad became ill and passed away recently, he relapsed. He drank 'moderately' for a while, until he couldn't. Y'all know what I mean. Then he got into some other substances too rather than dealing with the grief. When that started happening, my codependent instincts went into overdrive. I have always been his biggest cheerleader. Believing in him but my cheerleading transitioned to obsessing over his using/drinking. And being a dormant alcoholic ( I wasn't drinking alcoholically for a long time), the stress of everything started getting to me and it was kind of just easier for me to drink too much with him.

The number one reason why I am seeking recovery is because when I drink I cannot establish and maintain boundaries, I cannot hold to my morals, I cannot make good judgments.

I am 7 days sober and I have been going to AA. Focusing on my recovery, has helped me to detach from my codependency a great deal lately. I don't know what will happen with my boyfriend. I want to be with him but I realize that his recovery is his to deal with and it is yet to be determined if we can maintain our relationship without both of us seeking recovery.
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Old 06-06-2016, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Ruby2 View Post
Hi, and congrats on Day 3.



That's where the co-dependence comes in because I want to fix, manage and control what he's doing. I've had to work on only taking care of my own stuff. It's hard, but doable and I wish you well.
Thanks for the well wishes and for sharing. I also want to fix, manage, and control what he's doing. It's hard because I worry so much about him. His mom and I are very close and find ourselves discussing his well being and potential recovery regularly. It is causing problems because my boyfriend doesn't like that. The reason I talk with her is because she is the only one that knows what I go through and I don't want to talk about this stuff with my friends. It's too private. We are support to one another. Yesterday, we talked for two hours. I want to limit the discussing because it is hurtful to my boyfriend. It comes from a place of caring but I understand why he is hurt by it.
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