fini, you've asked me more than once how I square the notion of being powerless over the first drink. And my EGO told me that couldn't be true. Of course I have power - after all, I've been the one driving to the store every day to get my next 24 hour allotment. So if I couldn't control the first drink, how come I was the one purchasing it, literally one day at a time? I've just realized that that limiting the quantity was me giving myself the illusion of control - because I limited the quantity and so therefore I could always STOP. But oftentimes it was something external (maybe always it was something external?) that gave me the actual motivation to stop.
That leads to Dropsie's point about faith. It hit me last night that this is the missing piece; not the explanation. This is hard to articulate; I think I've approached an understanding before but you know I'm a slow thinker. For such a long time, I've struggled with feelings of personal inadequacy, particularly with regard to relationships. As the universe didn't drop the right person in my lap and in fact seemed to continue to deliver the wrong people, I think it solidified this idea I had since way early that I really didn't matter. Not really. And that's gotta be backward, because if I'm so important that the universe bothers to consider my existence whatsoever, I must matter. And continuing to hurt myself is highly disrespectful.
Hawk is like, "Cool, O - so what does that translate into in real life?"
Don't have an answer for that yet, but it's a start.
Mild withdrawl symptoms today. I should be in good shape to get to work tomorrow. Trying to decide right now if I go in or work from home like a "normal" Monday. I think the latter course is more prudent even if it does make me feel a little bit like a coward.