Layali

Help!

I've actually been okay with not drinking for these 98 days. I had been focusing on my diet and keeping sugar kinda low and it had been helping with cravings (not to mention working very hard in therapy, getting more in touch with my spirituality, meaning, hobbies, etc). Well, in the past week, I've been having a ton of sugar and it seems to have woken up something in me.

Not just THAT, but a couple other triggers all at once have happened. Last week, I pushed my exposure work for my anxiety a lot harder than ever before....and since then have been doing more and more scary things as exposure.

Starting now, I have the house to myself for awhile, again. And tooooons of alcohol everywhere. And it's not mine to move or hide, but yet I've been offered to drink any of it while I watch house.

ALSO, it is rainy and gloomy and cold outside. That weather, mixed with the sudden aloneness, the stress I didn't realise I had put myself through, and the actual physical cravings I have from all this sugar.....and suddenly BAM!! I am so close to drinking. All day I've been crying and trying to think of why I don't want to drink....

But even with playing the tape to the end and using other skills, I'm still finding this sooooooo hard and I'm super super scared I'm going to just cave. Like without even thinking.... it's happened before. Suddenly I'm drinking and only then my conscious brain seems to kick in and be like wait! What are you doing?!?!??


I guess....I could try to read a book or watch a movie. But. This is soooooo damn hard. And I want to just order a pizza or something but I have an eating disorder AND I'm poor. And just. Help.
I don't know even writing this is a distraction....but once I'm done writing....omg I'm so scared.